Charlie Sheen attempted fabulosity on Monday. Utter destruction ensued.

After the glorious success of the demo party this past weekend, I had a glorious meeting with my contractor on Monday morning to hand over the keys and get this party started.  I was giddy with excitement, they laughed at my jokes, we bonded over our mutual love of Ikea, I didn’t drop an f-bomb and all was right with the world.  Tra li la li la…   By afternoon though, my remodel high was wearing off as the Chattavegas area began experiencing some pretty severe weather.  I wasn’t too terribly worried because I remembered to place the bucket under the leaky spot in the roof that morning and went on about my day like normal.  But then the tornado tweets started popping up in my twitter stream and buildings elsewhere in the city were collapsing. Again, it’s a good thing I remembered to place that bucket!!  I’m so smart to plan ahead!

Until I drove home and saw this:

Motherfucker.  

Yes the MS Ranch is mint green and yes I have a mini barn in my yard.  We have bigger things to discuss but feel free to make fun of me in the comments. 

This freshly budding weeping willow was my absolute favorite tree in the yard.  It was one of the reasons I bought the Ranch actually.  I cried.  You can rebuild a shitty kitchen but you can't replant a 50 yr old tree.  I had hoped the White Witch would manifest as Mother Nature to come and magically tornado my old cabinets to the dump like a kitchen Dorothy (I DO live in The Gayborhood for chrissake) but I need to work on my conjuring abilities because the cabinets are still there and I killed a tree.  Fuckin A.  I think the White Witch of Earth Goddessness might actually be Charlie Sheen rather than Candice Olsen like I thought.  The cabinet fragments are all soaking wet now (meh, they’re trash) because Charlie Sheen pissed all over them.  Lemme tell ya, wet 50 year old cabinets pulled from the mouth of hell STINK.  My entire backyard smells like a wet dog had dirty sex with a 50 years’ worth of cigarettes and bacon grease.  Or rather, they smell like Charlie Sheen.  (How many lame Charlie Sheen jokes do you think I can work into this post?)

So it looks like lightning struck my tree.  Or possibly Charlie Sheen thought my weeping willow was a porn star (they are pretty sexy trees) and decided to either have sex with it or kill it.  The results kinda look the same. But because my tree is a professional it had the courtesy to not fall on anything of value.  

It narrowly missed my house and the new rose bushes my landscaper I planted last year.  It didn’t land on my shed although I kinda wish it would have.  I guess that demo party will still be on the schedule this year.

Fuck you beautiful blue skies.

This branch is the only one still upright and would have taken out power for the entire block if it had fallen.  You're welcome neighbors.

Here's the money shot on my driveway.  Also just inches from my 145 yr old neighbor's fence.  She's 145, not the fence.  And I doubt she knows what a money shot is.

But that wasn’t good enough for Charlie Sheen.  Oooh noooo.  His crazy ass wasn’t through yet because the biggest tragedy of the evening was the fact that because of the storm my internet didn't work.  FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD HOW CAN I GO ON???!!!!!  So there I was enjoying being disconnected from a computer screen by watching Intervention reading a book and crying about my tree when the devilish winds o’ Charlie Sheen picked up again and slammed open my front storm door so hard it split the frame.  The Ranch was getting it from both ends that day and not in the sexy way.  There's no sexy way if the Sheen is involved I guess.  I mean, damn, Charlie!!  I know the Ranch is good but back the fuck off! Do I need to get another restraining order?

Well poo.  I'm officially out of real cuss words.  So I said fuck it (oh I found one!) and put a paint can to keep the door closed from further windiness until I can convince my contractor to add this to the list of things he'll be doing.  Speaking of Mr. Contractor I'm tickled Honeysuckit with how it's going so far.  It's been two days but we're BFFs already and text each other all day long.  He'll never replace Nick of course.  


Here's today's update.

I swear you won't be getting pics like this every day but hell, you're already more intimately acquainted with way more of the Ranch over the last few days than you ever wanted in the first place.  I was going to ease you in to the mint green but this was an emergency.  We'll be back to the regularly scheduled fabulosity for a few days after this.

And just to round out the days activities, the rain bucket was two inches to the left of the ceiling drip so my floor still got wet.  WINNING!