Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Charlie Sheen attempted fabulosity on Monday. Utter destruction ensued.

After the glorious success of the demo party this past weekend, I had a glorious meeting with my contractor on Monday morning to hand over the keys and get this party started.  I was giddy with excitement, they laughed at my jokes, we bonded over our mutual love of Ikea, I didn’t drop an f-bomb and all was right with the world.  Tra li la li la…   By afternoon though, my remodel high was wearing off as the Chattavegas area began experiencing some pretty severe weather.  I wasn’t too terribly worried because I remembered to place the bucket under the leaky spot in the roof that morning and went on about my day like normal.  But then the tornado tweets started popping up in my twitter stream and buildings elsewhere in the city were collapsing. Again, it’s a good thing I remembered to place that bucket!!  I’m so smart to plan ahead!

Until I drove home and saw this:

Yes the MS Ranch is mint green and yes I have a mini barn in my yard.  We have bigger things to discuss but feel free to make fun of me in the comments. 

This freshly budding weeping willow was my absolute favorite tree in the yard.  It was one of the reasons I bought the Ranch actually.  I cried.  You can rebuild a shitty kitchen but you can't replant a 50 yr old tree.  I had hoped the White Witch would manifest as Mother Nature to come and magically tornado my old cabinets to the dump like a kitchen Dorothy (I DO live in The Gayborhood for chrissake) but I need to work on my conjuring abilities because the cabinets are still there and I killed a tree.  Fuckin A.  I think the White Witch of Earth Goddessness might actually be Charlie Sheen rather than Candice Olsen like I thought.  The cabinet fragments are all soaking wet now (meh, they’re trash) because Charlie Sheen pissed all over them.  Lemme tell ya, wet 50 year old cabinets pulled from the mouth of hell STINK.  My entire backyard smells like a wet dog had dirty sex with a 50 years’ worth of cigarettes and bacon grease.  Or rather, they smell like Charlie Sheen.  (How many lame Charlie Sheen jokes do you think I can work into this post?)

So it looks like lightning struck my tree.  Or possibly Charlie Sheen thought my weeping willow was a porn star (they are pretty sexy trees) and decided to either have sex with it or kill it.  The results kinda look the same. But because my tree is a professional it had the courtesy to not fall on anything of value.  

It narrowly missed my house and the new rose bushes my landscaper I planted last year.  It didn’t land on my shed although I kinda wish it would have.  I guess that demo party will still be on the schedule this year.

Fuck you beautiful blue skies.
This branch is the only one still upright and would have taken out power for the entire block if it had fallen.  You're welcome neighbors.

Here's the money shot on my driveway.  Also just inches from my 145 yr old neighbor's fence.  She's 145, not the fence.  And I doubt she knows what a money shot is.

But that wasn’t good enough for Charlie Sheen.  Oooh noooo.  His crazy ass wasn’t through yet because the biggest tragedy of the evening was the fact that because of the storm my internet didn't work.  FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD HOW CAN I GO ON???!!!!!  So there I was enjoying being disconnected from a computer screen by watching Intervention reading a book and crying about my tree when the devilish winds o’ Charlie Sheen picked up again and slammed open my front storm door so hard it split the frame.  
The Ranch was getting it from both ends that day and not in the sexy way.  There's no sexy way if the Sheen is involved I guess.  I mean, damn, Charlie!!  I know the Ranch is good but back the fuck off! Do I need to get another restraining order?

Well poo.  I'm officially out of real cuss words.  So I said fuck it (oh I found one!) and put a paint can to keep the door closed from further windiness until I can convince my contractor to add this to the list of things he'll be doing.  Speaking of Mr. Contractor I'm tickled Honeysuckit with how it's going so far.  It's been two days but we're BFFs already and text each other all day long.  He'll never replace Nick of course.  

Here's today's update.

I swear you won't be getting pics like this every day but hell, you're already more intimately acquainted with way more of the Ranch over the last few days than you ever wanted in the first place.  I was going to ease you in to the mint green but this was an emergency.  We'll be back to the regularly scheduled fabulosity for a few days after this.

And just to round out the days activities, the rain bucket was two inches to the left of the ceiling drip so my floor still got wet.  WINNING!


  1. I am so sad about your poor tree :-( Are you going to replant one there in its place?

  2. Looks like the storm also coated your neighbor's house in Pepto Bismol. I threw up a little just typing those words. Can't stand that stuff.

    Very sorry about your tree...

  3. Zrzuce - not sure yet... The shed will come down eventually so I will probably relandscape that entire corner. A tree will probably make its way into there somehow!

    David - I think it's a poor picture because her house is fire engine red. My mint green house makes me far more nauseated than Pepto Bismol. ; ) Thanks for your condolences.

  4. WOW, when you call in an air-strike you really call it in!

    While I'm no arborist that willow's guts look all rotted out; Not that it's any consolation, a dying willow tree to your internet umbilical is likely better than to your house, or car (or skull).

    With this dis-proportionate misfortune, just think how kick-ass the kitchen will be as an offset.

    Hang in there MS.

  5. Izzy - I need to learn to harness my powers for good! You're right, the willow didn't look its best and I know they have short life spans anyway. But now I can't use it to hide the ugly shed!!

    The universe better pay me back tenfold for this mess! Thanks for your thoughts. ; )

  6. Madame, I used to live in a neighborhood where the first house was seafoam green. Everyone knew the house so we never had trouble giving directions to ours. To add to their interesting choice of colors, if they had the front door open, which thy frequently did, the foyer was cotton candy pank!!!

    Sorry about your tree and internet, that sucks! On the bright side, you are going to have a gorgeous kitchen, really soon!

    Brenda Lynn

  7. I laughed, hard. I cried, almost. In the annals of unmitigated remodeling stress, this is becoming a classic.

  8. Well alright then. A fire engine red house is much better to have next door. :)

  9. Brenda - I am often the focal point for directions!

    Leah - I feel like I just have to share this stuff! Thanks for your comment and glad you enjoyed!

    David - Pink would be rather interesting... My block would look like ice cream!

  10. You picked a fight with a warlock, Madame.

    I am so sorry about the tree. The rest I have faith can be fixed. Doesn't Charlemagne have tiger blood?

  11. Kim - she probably has something more powerful but trying to get a donation is about a thousand times worse than just trying to give a cat a pill.

  12. If you actually do run out of cuss words, I can teach you a whole bunch in Russian. Some Dutch and German ones too. Would that help?

  13. AFF - YES! I like to sound fancy and sophisticated in multiple languages!

  14. Like everyone else, I feel terribly sorry about the loss of your tree.

    On the other hand, I heard that there's an Excalibur-like sword sticking out of the trunk. Alexandrafunfit and I will be heading over to see who's the strongest and can pull the sword out of the tree.

    Of course, once that's accomplished, not sure what we're gonna with that silly sword. Maybe bring it to a Ren Fair in the fall, or something.....

    - John

  15. John - Thanks John. That tree will be missed! I think whoever pulls the sword out becomes king (or queen) of the Guest Room of Hobos and Drifters. *fingers crossed* right?! ; )

  16. твоя мать . Dear Saucy, use this to sound fancy, sophisticated, bilingual and potty-mouthed all at once. It basically means "yo mama." Pronounced tvoya mats, sort of.
    And I have no idea what John is talking about. He's pulling a sword out of his what? And I've been to quite a few Renaissance Fairs in my day - some sober.

  17. AFF - consider it done! The "cussing" part that is.. the Renaissance fair I'm leaving up to you guys.

  18. Ok save the wood from the willow. Make a great piece of furniture to go with your end table so that the willow will live on at the ranch. The rest of the wood save and we will use it to start a fire the next time I am in town as a sacrificial offering to the designer gods to help us rid you of Charlie Sheen and his warlock

  19. Shannon - there is already a cleansing ceremony in the works!! Great idea to use the willow wood - it'll probably work nice with the uterus of a raccoon and eye of newt we're using.