Thursday, February 16, 2012

Whatever you, your donkey and a Victorian chair do on your own time is none of my concern.

When I started blogging I wanted to make sure everyone knew how cool and 'down with the hipness' I was so I put 'modern' in my name.  See above.  You may have to tilt your head...  I did it because I'm a 'modern' girlchild woman/madame, enjoy the kind of 'modern' that usually follows the words 'mid-century' and wanted to be on the cutting edge of vagina jokes with my 'modern' comedy.  

Well, I think we can agree those are all true.  But I have realized over at my part-time job pinning things on Pinterest and zhushing up the olde ModSauce Ranch that I might be a bit more traditional than I realized.  

via Little Green Notebook
I have no shame in saying I give mad props (although I should feel shame for using that phrase) to Celerie Kimble.  I don't know if I could live here forever but I would visit the fuck out of this place. 

via Inspired Design
Maybe I could do a little more simple.  It's a traditional I could handle even if it didn't have the more "modern" gold donut art. I might eventually put up a gold croissant or cruller piece of art because overall I like the vibe... Of gilt breakfast pastries.

In related news (not related to donuts - although I MOTHERFUCKIN WISH! - related to traditional interiors...), I finally hung some curtains back up this past weekend after taking them to the dry cleaners.  Three months ago...  And I realized "hot damn, I love curtains!"  And truly modern people aren't supposed to like curtains I think. 

I like them not only because I won't be forced to put on pants when I go into the dining room anymore (that really ruined my Sundays) but also because they frame a window and are just plain pretty.  Also, the weather can be a real dick.  Thermal shades really ain't cutting it here in the bible belt where Jesus's watchful gaze burns with the intensity of a thousand suns.

Thank you, Instagram, for making my dining room seem cooler.
Some ranchers don't need curtains but mine really does.  It's the kind of house that is modern in thought but has crown molding.  Perhaps it has a small personality disorder as well.... 

Nuevo Estilo via Full House

Also nice curtains in here.  And table.  And appropriate number of decorative accessories to make this "traditional."

You know what other traditional-esque things I like?
Brooke Shield's apartment in AD via Coco Cozy
Murals.  Like this one by Zuber.  I like all the other stuff too - a lot LOT - especially the lamps.  Although a different black chandelier might be wickedly nice. 

via Apartment Therapy
Some people might lose their shit over Ryan Gosling but bergere chairs are much more likely to incite dry humping and tears from me.  I like that they are still comfy upholstered but done so neatly and crisply without looking like an Ashley Furniture store vomited up some leftover pleather for you to cry and dry hump your Pinterest board dedicated to Ryan Gosling in.  

It's also virtually impossible to find a nice bergere - let alone a pair - at my local junk stores.  So weird, right?!  That's another reason I like them - they belong in pairs because they are friends with each other.  Who doesn't like friends?  If you buy only one it's like adopting one sibling out of a family and WHAT KIND OF HEARTLESS MONSTER DOES THAT????!?!?!?!

I think I've blogged this before but I don't care. But I forgot where it came from... source?
Look at those curtains AND settee!!  Sex on a stick.  In front of a window.  But they can do that BECAUSE OF THE CURTAINS!!

 from Bijou and Boheme
Giant busts of historical peoples are traditional and let people know you are smart and shit.  Or that you steal from archaeological digs.  Just kidding - you probably steal them from Z Gallerie.  

Rue mag.  I think...
I squee til I break in half over chandeliers.  The tackier and crustier the better.  

I don't have the source for this either... ??
Just cuz I like it.  And by 'it' I mean velvet upholstery.

source?  I'm sucking at blogging today, y'all.  Sorry.
Everything that is sessy about this room is almost ruined by the ridonkulous puddling of the drapes on the floor.  I fucking hate puddling.  It's dirty.  Even the word puddling sounds dirty.  Puddling. *gross face*  Like something you and a Mexican donkey might do in an above-ground pool.  

But I will admit to loving bedskirts.  Ruffled, pleated, tailored or any combination of those things are good for me.  I like tall beds (I prefer standing to get out of bed not rolling onto the floor first like a drunk hobo waking from a platform bed) and super tall bedskirts are necessary for hiding my junk.  They also hide the fact that Charlemagne has destroyed the lining to the box springs while playing hide and seek.  DESTROYED.

Gubi catalog via Solid Frog
Hello, architectural moldings on the wall.  I love you too.  I'll stand on a bergere and make out with you.  The bedskirt can watch as long as there's no puddling involved.

Jackie Astier via Design Crisis
But I think I prefer my traditional with a little edge.  There's still grasscloth on the walls (not at my house - I'm still recovering from removing the old wallpaper from 3 years ago) but there's a fur rug on the floor with some brass legs on that table and that's pretty damn nice.  Maybe even a whimsical headboard if I'm feeling drunk one day.

Or 'traditional with an edge' kinda like when Traditional Home magazine interviews RADICAL people in the back of their magazine as to why they're traditional with their insane wingback chairs in their LOFTS for chrissake!!  Can you stand it???!?!??!  Remember when they interviewed Jesse James and he explained he's traditional because he fucks anti-Semites on button-tufted camel back sofas?  

I could have sworn that was what he said...  I want less edgy than that.

And maybe less edgy than this:
awesomeness by Kennedy James via Design Milk
Zoinks!  Just some light Japanese bondage with your antique chair.  No big thang.  But I would buy a dozen if they were bergeres, of course.  Another reason they come in pairs is because they're doing kinky things with each other all the time.  DUH.  


They're a pain in the ass to clean up after.

(Apparently I'm on the cutting edge of vagina jokes AND donkey puns!)


  1. Honey... we all had you figured out after the post about alien dildos. Just sayin'

  2. I'm sorry, but did you just use the words "velvet" and "mural" in the same post? Bury me in your curtains. You for sure must reconsider your uebermodern status. K

    1. I'm modern in that I understand "traditional" so I can then piss all over it.

  3. You know... if you liked the tied up chair... you should see the Queen Anne crotch bearing chair on my boudoir post.

    1. Ooohhh I must pay a visit to your blog then...!

  4. "Look at those curtains AND settee!! Sex on a stick. In front of a window. But they can do that BECAUSE OF THE CURTAINS!!" // I would agree with all that if it was a window the settee was sitting in front of but alas it is a pair of doors. A door to a gorgeous garden that is full of pretty flowers and greenery (at least in my mind). Don't block the door ;)

    1. I think the real issue is how can people have sex in the garden then...

  5. You find the most amazing photos, Madame! (But I noticed that not all of them have circles.)

    1. Thank you. But your flattery will not distract from the fact you noticed that they do not contain any circles! *sob, sob, sob*

  6. The Sauce is extra spicy! I will never look at donkeys or pools the same way again. Guaranteed!