Sunday, February 12, 2012

Design Escapade: Shine some light in your ugly corners...

One of my goals this year is to be more open (shut up) about the goings on at the Ranch.  I know there's a fine line between being transparent and being a narcissist and I hope I can find that line and then do magic tricks on it like Madonna's levitating carnie from the Super Bowl halftime show.   

I like to 'keep it real' as the kids say (in 1997) so after mentioning my childhood dresser last week I thought I might swallow my embarrassment and post it.  Just to prove that because I'm a "design blogger" it doesn't mean I don't have awkward, messy and ugly corners of my house.  That was pretty much my entire house 3 years ago but I wasn't blogging then so you'll have to take my word for it.  But you saw my kitchen before the remodel right?!  Oh you're still having nightmares?  Well TOUGH SHIT!

So to own some of my remaining ugly corners I give you my dresser:
BOOM!  It's so faux-Empire '80s clunky and smells like the back of James Spader's neck.  It makes me want to put on some leg warmers RIGHT FUCKING NOW!  

And this is exactly how it looked - no styling - to honor the realness.  However, I did remove a bra from on top but I don't consider that 'styling' so much as 'not being a disgusting slutbag.'  

If you're wondering, everything was thrifted for under $10 (horse head was 50 cents) except for the old pre-Urban Outfitters Ashley G print and the candle.  I could probably make it work with better styling but why commit?  Let's just enjoy the shit I rescued from Goodwill five years ago before I return to Goodwill in a few more years.

I always keep my eye out for a replacement dresser and have stood in the corner of IKE-Rah for hours deciding which color Malm to get but I just can't make myself do it.  I don't really like this dresser but it weighs as much as a Motley Crue tour bus and will probably survive the nuclear apocalypse.  Fuck dovetails joints, this POS is put together with cocaine and the discarded carcasses of Shrinky Dinks.  There's just no good reason to spend money on a poorer quality dresser just because it's more stylish.  Everyone has their hard limits and I guess this is mine. 

When my parents first got married they went buck wild in the furniture store in some small Texas town and bought this dresser and its 6-drawer sibling and enough matching furniture to fill a late '70s beige split-level.  And they never bought another piece of furniture ever again.  The end.

Fortunately I don't have that problem but I do have the problem of finding a reasonably-priced, roomy, MCM Danish dresser in the TN valley.  So here she sits - Barbie sticker and all.  My "shameful" design blogger secret that I'm not really ashamed of.

In an effort to break the stigma of good taste and internet credibility of bloggers everywhere, I think it's time for us to all bond over our ugly corners!  So I propose a DESIGN ESCAPADE AND GIVEAWAY!  Yay!!  *mass panty explosions* *angels crying* *glitter fireworks*

So y'all - bloggers and non-bloggers - snap a picture of the most non-styled, ugly, embarrassed-if-another-design-blogger-showed-up-at-your-door piece of furniture or corner of your house and send it to me.  

It could be anything: that cheap faux oak (Fauxk?) computer desk from college you bought at Wal-mart even though you pretend you have never in your life shopped at Wal-mart. 

CPU tower on the floor! I had one of these.  For 8 years.  But I got it at Office Depot so I'm better than you.

It could be the Queen Anne's-style cherry coffee table or floral wingback chairs that you inherited from your aunt:
Hurts when confronted with past, huh?
Whatever your ugly corner is, take a picture and send me your shame.  If any enough brave souls submit I'll post them here, let the random number generator thingy select a winner and send that lucky winner a gift basket of awesomeness.  Remember how awesome the last giveaway was?!  Just wait til you see what nonsense I scrounge up this time!

So bring me your ugly corners!  I promise to skewer them on the internet for the world to see with the respect and delicacy your shitty Wal-mart furniture deserves.


  1. My couch is pretty embarrassing. After receiving 9 years' worth of near-constant farts, it deserves to be put out to pasture. But until my 2 year old learns not to use furniture as a napkin, this b*tch is staying put. And I'm really starting to hate that f*#king floor lamp. It looks like it went fishing and caught a diaphram.

    1. Ahahahaha! Diaphrams... how '90s. Thanks for sharing Jill! NO SHAME!!!

  2. Hey that was your design style doesn't mean it was ugly, that was the stage you were in ;-)

    1. Touche, Tonia. You don't have to inherit ugly - sometimes you actively chose it. Maybe we should say "Less than desirable corners" rather than "ugly pieces of shit?" ; )

  3. You don't mention if "early-onset Hoarders" corners filled with random stuff from the last time you moved but you just can't be arsed to deal with them are eligible. Have I said too much?

    1. Of course those are eligible for public non-shaming! It's not like I have any space in my house that looks like that. Nope. Nada. *nervous laugh* *shuts closet doors...*

  4. "Smells like the back of James Spader's neck"...what an odd comment!?!?!

    1. Don't judge my '80s fantasies, Anonymous! Besides, you're the one who's been googling James Spader...