Thursday, April 26, 2012

I support gay marriage by boycotting shitty outdoor furniture.

So now that we're all properly filled with jealous shame rage inspired by last post's patio roundup, let's focus on my own little concrete slab of mediocrity.

Ok well I forgot to get a picture of it for you because I've been busy controlling my rage over Perfect Patio People.  But I can tell you it's a completely covered patio that's about 8 feet wide and a jizzillion feet long.  You can kinda get an idea of the space here during my kitchen party except in real life there's usually nothing there.

It's sad.  Rull sad. 

What's even sadder is the the thought of spending $1000 on an outdoor sofa when my upholstered one in my living room cost way less.  Nevermind the fact that all outdoor furniture comes in matching families that you can't even break up and then are forced to spend even more on shit that you don't really like in the first place.  

Guess what, manufacturers?  Not every person likes plastic rattan and families come in all different forms, assholes.  Obviously the outdoor furniture industry is a front for "traditional family values" and I refuse to support that bunch of bullshit.

Besides, I don't have that kind of money on plastic families of any description and don't even want to spend that kind of money on outdoor furniture on principle - it feels like a ripoff (and the whole conservative agenda thing).  I've been perfectly happy to sit on my soapbox on my patio up until now.

MY agenda has been to scour the tri-state area's best thrift stores and junk palaces to create my own mismatched family of misfits and spend about $500 which will turn into $700 (ok 750).  I'm ridonkulously cheap so typing that number makes my lady balls sweat but if I saw someone on HGTV say that was their budget I'd probably laugh at their ignorance.  But I'm ignorantly confident it can be done.  We all have to make some sacrifices though.  No diamond birdbath for you, Charlemagne.

So here's what the patio of the Ranch will somewhat resemble in just a few short weeks:


Click to make bigger if you so desire.
You're all invited for virtual wine and debauchery!  Let's break it down:

1. Yes, my house is mint green.  Deal with it.  Thank gawd mint is having a season right now which doesn't make this look quite as fucked up as it would have two years ago.  I am not a mint fan unless it comes in a mojito.

2. I have already bought a bench that looks almost identical to this picture.  It's 72 inches of warm teak wood and the best dollar-to-ass ratio I could find.  At $200 it seats more people than those flimsy and ubiquitous loveseats.  (I got it at Southeastern Salvage for all you local people.)  It does need cushions to protect my guests' tender backsides (and for Charlemagne naps) but I'll still come out cheaper.  High five to me!

3. Some things I got for free which is kinda like cheating my budget but you'd do the same thing.  The rug pictured isn't my exact rug but it's really close and someone gave it to me so therefore I must use it.  I've also got my eye on a coffee table that's similar to the one pictured that will also be free if I can work some magic.  Or I'll steal it.  We'll call it a crime of patio passion.

4.I picked up some ghetto planters from a juuunk store recently for a song and a bat of my eyelashes (which is equal to roughly $10).  I think I want to go back and get more because there's something about some brass planters that probably had a plastic tree in it and lived in a bank for 25 years really touches my heart.  I have a smattering of black and grey planters too.  No idea what kind of plants I can put onto a covered patio that gets only indirect sunlight but that's where you people come in: any ideas on shade-only plants you are contractually obligated to tell me.  It's in the blog by laws.  

So the main pieces are falling into place: mint house, grey concrete, teak bench, brown and white rug, shiny brass things and black things.  See some of the real items here.

I typed a lot since you saw it last. Here it is again.
On the list of things I need to purchase is accent seating.  I like the IKEA Vago chairs but they are rather large if I remember and will most likely be out of stock by the time I get around to making a purchase because making a mood board is not like Jumanji - your items don't just fall into the next room along with a stampede of elephants.  

I'm on the hunt for pillows and am rather partial to that floral set up there.  They are feeding my desire for ugly '90s floral right now.  You know what would look really good with '90s florals?  Motherfuckin hunter green, y'all.  Maybe even spruce green.  Yeah, I said it - spruce.  It's gonna look hot next to the mint - don't even trip.  Someone on twitter suggested marigold which at first made me feel yucky on the inside but then I put a yellow pillow up there and I squeed my panties a bit.  It really makes the brass sing extra loudly which is really the only way brass should be allowed to sing.

I also need to get cafe string lights because YOU CANNOT HAVE A PATIO WITHOUT CAFE LIGHTS RIGHT NOW.  Otherwise Pinterest will explode!  

I'll finish everything off with some wicker side tables maybe painted white or MOTHERFUCKIN HUNTER GREEN, maybe some basket-y things and a capiz shell something for "global" (barf) charm, a hammock for napping and some candles.  Fucking candles everywhere.  Backyard oasis of wine and debauchery and alter sacrifices.

Of course I won't forget the giant painting of a butterfly or a seashell. No outdoor space is complete without a 2D representation of the space you're presently occupying.

It's also not complete with a brass bucket full of my new favorite cocktail: boxed red wine mixed with Sprite.  

AND CAFE STRING LIGHTS.

Don't forget to put your favorite shade plants in the comments. And any other comments and suggestions about what to do - all I'm going on is a wing, a prayer and a can of spray paint.

And a large mason jar filled with wine/Sprite.


22 comments:

  1. Hosta and huechera spring to mind. A friend of mine owns greenthumbsgalore.com and is very helpful with such stuff as choosing pretty shade plants....and I LOVE your planters. We keep our change (read: savings) in one of those plastic-tree-bank-lobby-living brass planters. In the living room...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Dava! I will definitely check out your friend - I am so nature-challenged I need all the help I can get.

      Viva la brass!!

      Delete
  2. What about this: http://www.eastvalleytribune.com/article_f190052b-18c5-5b70-94db-cdf5ddb556b2.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the worst thing I've ever seen! But it's definitely not plastic rattan so at least it celebrates non-traditional outdoor furniture even if in a bit of a Communist-housing way...

      Delete
  3. Hostas are good for shade, but I don't know how much water they need. I think succulents would be cool. Plus, according to pinterest they are very trendy. Aloe is a good one to have around, and its hard to kill. If you're looking for color lantana doesn't mind the heat and can handle going without water.

    When you're looking for plants the biggest thing you need to look for are the words 'drought tolerant'. It's *really hard* to be good about watering containers all summer long. We try, but life happens.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely need 'drought tolerant' plants as well as 'Lacy tolerant' ones. I love lantana but thought it needs a lot of sun? If it doesn't then we are in business!!

      Thanks, Emily!

      Delete
    2. It will bloom better in full sun, but it should do well in indirect sun. My mom (my garden expert) picked some up for me yesterday to go in an indirect sun spot, and think it will do fine. A little miracle grow and you'll probably never know the difference.

      Delete
    3. Thanks for the input - you (and your mom) are awesome!

      Delete
  4. Emilys think alike! Succulents are the shit and love to be abused. Ice plants are sweet succulent ground covers with sessy pink flowers and none of the side effects of meth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good cuz I love to abuse things! Wait...

      I've never heard of ice plants so I will definitely check them out. My meth days are long gone so hopefully it won't trigger any benders...

      All you Emilys are awesome with the sweet plant hookups!

      Delete
  5. Japanese maple - good color spring, summer, fall and good structure in winter. Heuchera- great colors, see here - http://www.terranovanurseries.com/gardeners/heuchera-c-82_23.html - Home Depot and lowes also has them but not many colors. Some dwarf conifers. see this site for ideas - http://www.iselinursery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=55. Mondo grass - regular, dwarf, and black.

    aka deb

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, and any house plant will do fine on the patio as long as you bring it in in the winter. I do not bring mine in if I keep them close to the house and our temps drop to freezing. I recommend kaffer lily (aka clivia), zz plant, and ponytail palm. I had a ponytail palm that I bought in 1982 but the cat liked to eat it so I put it on the patio and it did fine. They like to be root bound and only like water once a month. Same with the zz plant. The ponytail palm got so big that one winter the wind blew it over and broke the pot so I just stuck it in the ground. When I left that house three years ago, it wad seven feet high and very happy.

    aka deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aka Deb, you are a wealth of info! I looked up the ponytail palm and it looks like a Dr. Seuss tree! I need to check the zone b/c I know you're in California but that would be so cute on my patio. As long as Charlemagne doesn't engage in any kind of debauchery...

      Thanks for all your awesome suggestions!

      Delete
  7. I have a whole bunch of dead plants that would love to come live with you. I think you need a tiki torch or two. And perhaps a birdbath. And a rock labyrinth. In green.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could be the graveyard of dead plants everywhere! I'm already a graveyard for my own so I could extend the favor to my neighbors...

      Tiki torches are a must and I do have a birdbath already on the other side of the yard that Charlemagne terrorizes. Rock labyrinth? Only if David Bowie is at the end.

      Delete
  8. I'm definitely going the succulent route. Plants are just plain too needy... water, water, that's all they think about. So succulents are perfect my cruel kind of love.

    I love your moodboard. I'm raising my virtual cocktail to your design prowess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks susie q! I love to meet another plant murderess - makes me feel not so alone. As long as succulents don't mind shade I think we'll be juuust right.

      Girl please, I know you don't have a virtual cocktail in your hand right now... ; )

      Delete
  9. I just discovered your blog, and it is love at first sight. *GUSH* I LOVE how you calls it as you sees it !!! Fantastico !!!!!
    You rock out loud !
    Dear Plastic chair manufacturers.....you can suck it.
    Lynne xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lynne! Welcome! Gush all you want, we're used to excessive sauce around here and are easily hosed off. Like outdoor furniture. Except prettier.

      Delete
  10. Remember, your patio will create a different micro climate than your normal zone. It is protected from freeze and wind so you will be able to grow plants from other zones. The sun requirements will be the hardest thing to meet. I always move plant around until I find their "happy place". I also do this in the garden. I have been known to move a plant five times until it tells me it want to live in its newest location. Oh, and I live in northern California where we get temps from 29 degrees in winter to 106 in summer. We do not have th humidity that you have, though.

    aka, deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know your patios, Deb! You may be the plant whisperer. Thanks for all the helpful tips - awesome!

      Delete
  11. cafeteria chairs manufacturers doesn’t have to be as stark and plain as school cafeterias from the past. The general idea is to be able to seat larger groups together for family style dinners.

    ReplyDelete