Kitchen Tawlk

Soooo....  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I've got a kitchen to remodel.  I'm still searching through the dregs of Chattavegas to find a contractor so while my days are spent hiding sharp objects from myself so I don't slit my wrists once the constant wine buzz wears off let's talk about other prettier things to distract me.   

Specifically kitchens with white cabinets... 



absolute panty explosion via Desire to Inspire

Cuz I want one.  There are tons of white accents in the ModSauce Ranch (including but not limited to Charlemagne) and white seems to always blend nicely in an older home or look crisp for a more contemporary feel and works for anything in between.  There's also no way in hell you can nicely coordinate my purty hardwood floors and wood trim in the rest of the house with anything my kitchen budget can afford.  So white it is. 

And I'm gonna get one with the help of this dude:




Look how cute we are together!

Meet Nick from Cupboards.  You might already know him because you probably found this blog through his Twitter @cupboards.  Even though Nick is three hours away in Alabama he assured me that long-distance kitchen design is not as impossible as my wormhole diagram illustrated.  In fact it's rather common which was a surprise to me because I'm scared of kitchen "showrooms" and had resigned myself to a bland Home Depot kitchen a long time ago.  Not that there's anything wrong with a Home Depot kitchen because broke ass beggers like me can't be choosers.  Or CAN we...???!!!!  Nick is showing me the way of kitchen designers that don't wear aprons and that schmucks like me CAN afford them. 

Coburn Architecture via Desire to Inspire

MS: Hey Nick I know I live in the ghetto but can you throw in that fridge for me too?! kthanxbye

Look at all that yummy whiteness Nick!  LOOK AT IT!!!!


2 from Hus & Hem via Desire to Inspire

MS: Hey Nick don't forget to include the brick oven fireplace in the center of my 100 square foot kitchen. 

Nick: Sure.  You can use it to burn that wallpaper.

Skona Hem via Desire to Inspire

MS: Ok I know this kitchen isn't white but can we hold hands and bask in its sheer awesomeness for a minute?

Nick: Stop touching me.


2 from kitchendesigner.org's photostream





here

MS: Hey Nick guess who....

Nick: Candice Olson.

MS: Damn you're good!  I'll take this but with 87% less Candice.



The Estate of Thing's photostream

 But I'll take 100% of this.



here

MS: Fucking fuck I need to laminate this picture because this is straight up kitchen porn for me.  Can I have everything in this picture times twelve?

Nick: You said your budget was $50...

MS: So we need to subtract .50 for the laminating and then we're good to go right?

here

MS: Hey Nick can we...

Nick: No.

Boston Design Guide here

MS: Ok but what about...

Nick: No.  But I'll throw in the flowers.

MS: SQUUEEEEE!!

Stay tuned as the process unravels. 

Or one of US unravels first.  My bet's on me because I'm barely hanging by a thread as it is.

Carpe Diem: The Sunday Glitter Gulch Story.

Despite the fact that I post about a lot of collage on this blog I do appreciate all kinds of art because I'm well-rounded and edumicated.  But this post is not about proving to you that I am those fancy things.  It's about collage.   

Cool collages with vintage-y things by Robert Mars via Notpaper.   

He also has a book for purchase which is such a coincidence since Christmas is about two days away, y'all.  START SHOPPING SLACKASSES!!!!

If collages don't do it for you L@@K!!  

A nipple!!  

Also, I'm changing the name of this blog to Sunday's Glitter Gulch.

Have you bought that book yet?!  WTF??   All my presents are already wrapped in coordinating packaging and under my impeccably decorated glitter tree that smells like little baby jeezus and cinnamon pinecones!!  

Every day I used to pass a great vintage sign at an abandoned seven room hotel known as the Peach Motel (best sleazy hotel name ever).  Trees and weeds were growing unfettered all around the sign until eventually all you could see was 'Pea Mo' which made me love it even more and I vowed to bring the Camera of Amazing Awesomeness to document it.  I vowed for about a year but before I could actually get my slackass out of the car and do it someone tore it down to sell the lot.  Sadness.  

Moral of the story: never put off tomorrow what you could do today whether it's Christmas shopping or hugging your sleazy neighborhood crack whore hotel like it's the last.  

The Madame is like a Southern archeologist of weird shit: Part 2

Continuing on our journey from yesterday we are slowly trying to make our way up to the bell tower.

I want to go to there.

We don't know how to get there but we can see it.  I will not be bested by a tree house!

Oh look a kitty...!!

In a sitting area with nice carpet floors.  So relaxing and...

OMIGOD IT'S A FUCKING WOOD BURNING STOVE!!!  The art is a nice homey touch but won't help when you're BURNING ALIVE IN A HOUSE MADE OF FIREWOOD!!!!

In a closet room next to the little "living room" is the other kitty.  He looks pissed but I find this scene infinitely awesome.

And a matching doggie.  But this one's alive.  I think...  He was pointing the way up to this:

Just a normal bathtub on a deck about 7 stories up.   A bathtub painted with an OCTOPUSSY!!  I'm not sure how it got there but I bet it was the exact same way the pyramids were built....  SCIENTOLOGISTS!!!  Don't tell Horace because I bet it would really cramp his Jesus style. 

But look we're so close now!!  

Ok just a few more steps up this narrow hallway of possible doom...

I don't even know if I'm looking up or down but I still smell that damn camp fire and it makes me nervous...

Black and white is artsy fartsy

??? but I like it and it's real high so I know I'm closer to jeezus.

Ta daaahh!!  We made it!  Up in the bell tower it's breezy (you can tell because the whole thing sways like it's rocking you to sleep) and peaceful because you can't hear the redneck kids yelling way down below.  It really did feel like a secret tree house now.  And in the last few stairwells and specifically in the tower itself much of the graffiti was memorializing lost friends and loved ones.  Much nicer than the "Ashley sux dix" variety in the chapel area.  

But what's this...??

Just the best landscaping you've ever seen.  I think that's an American flag that some volunteers are helping to maintain.  I'm putting one in the ModSauce ranch immediately.  

You could then climb a tiny ladder to ring the bell but I think everyone was motion sick from the swaying and wanted to get down immediately...


So now what...??


TO THE BASEMENT!!!

There were a few floors below the chapel on the ground where the materials were housed until future use.

B&W for artsy basement contemplation...

I squee hard for abandoned furniture and things...


And so we move to the backyard...

5 story lawn chair swing

I didn't get a chance to ride because the hippies were being stingy and it also looked like a chair of death.  And that's saying a lot considering I just survived a 10 story fire hazard.

Nothing makes Jesus happier than graffiti in a doorway that opens onto a 3 story drop straight to the ground.  But it's easy to make fun of all this until you look at those balconies and remember that every single piece of wood in this 10,000+ square foot place was specifically placed by hand in each position for a reason known solely to the builder.  It all feels rather awesomely insane.  

But a thoughtful type of insanity where windows line up on a wall that is supported by a rock foundation. 

Being that this is a church I would have liked to write a stunning essay on the idea of sacred space and the rapture of buildings but I was mentally exhausted and really sweaty from the fear of dying, still distracted by redneck kids running around like heathens jacked up on Mountain Dew (ok that was me...) and somewhere somebody was hammering really loudly in an ongoing push to keep adding on to this place.  I didn't really have a moment for reflection because I spent a lot of time trying to find the nearest exit in case of emergency.  (It was usually a running leap off of the nearest balcony you could find.)  But it does boggle the mind to think about a man building his tree ark with no plan (that I'm aware of), no schematics, just a hammer and a few hundred thousand nails as a constant prayer for the last 17 years.   Awesomely insane or not that is a dedication to be respected and rewarded with an extra bag of combos and Mountain Dew.

The Madame is like a Southern archeologist of weird shit: Part 1

The Madame took a field trip for my recent birfday staycation (it was within 200 miles so the "stay" part still applies) inspired by this post about the world's "largest" tree house right here in Tennessee.  Largest is in quotes because you can't really measure crazy in quantifiable numbers.  To recap, some dude named Horace got a message from gawd in about 1993 to start building a tree house and so he did.  Just like anybody would do obviously.  With no construction background he just started building.  He says it's held together by faith.  He ain't shittin you.


Located two hours from Chattavegas it's just a quick trip through this:

to get to this:

Wheeee!!

It doesn't look that crazy... 

yet.

Until you step out of the car and see this:

Southern fried jeezus.

The first thing I noticed (other than all the rednecks having picnics and the sweet reminder about everyone's favorite savior) was that the entire place smelled like campfire which is not something you want to smell when entering a 10-story tall house made of matchsticks that could burst into flames just by the heat emitted from your thighs rubbing together while walking up a spiral staircase to meet my impending doom in this rickety house.  OMIGOD I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE HERE BECAUSE OF MY FAT THIGHS!!!!

"Enter at your own risk."  Yeah - it said that.

This towering staircase is the main entrance to the circus of delights.  There is a certain sense of awe when you stand at the base of this thing and marvel at its sheer size and "craftsmanship" while actively disregarding your body's primal fear response for even thinking of stepping into a space that looks like it was built by a hurricane using rotting wood and jeezus spit.  Just ignore the flop sweat.  It'll pass.  Eventually...

In the meantime you can rest at this bench on your way up the stairs.  This staircase wraps around a tree and is completely sheathed with these haphazard scraps that are all vandalized by idiot tweeners like a booth at a dirty pizza joint.  Or at least the good ones I eat at.  


Eventually, after you're nicely dizzy and disoriented you kind of wander into an open area that is the chapel.

Look at that tree "support beam"

You can tell it's the church part because it's got a giant cross in it.  Apparently rogue campers are also using the space for the weekend.  Blessed be.  Tents were everywhere and the pews - yes there were church pews - were littered with Patagonia jackets, sleeping bags and drying bathing suits (Bikinis 4 Jesus?!) from the swimming pond nearby.  Homeless people sometimes sleep here too.  I bet they don't have Patagonia jackets.

The pulpit.  And a velvet Jebus displayed non-ironically.

Detail of the carved wooden pulpit.

Do you see the plywood arch detail near the top center?

Here's a closer look at the stadium seating from the chapel picture above.  I don't think I would set Charlemagne on those things to take a nap let alone invite a few dozen people on there to listen to a sermon.  That horizontal band of wood at the top is the front balcony of more seating.  Seating that is completely SUSPENDED those three stories up so your feet can dangle and you can feel like an angel flying.  Sometimes that might come in handy here.

Looking up from the chapel floor (which is on the 2nd or 3rd story) you can see the main roof up another few stories.  I use these numbers loosely because I really have no idea which areas count as real stories because I was already lost and "walls" and "floors" are really such a vague terms.  After the claustrophobic climb in the spiral of death to get here this view was quite breathtaking.  

Standing in one of the mezzanines looking over the central chapel (I can't even tell you how I got here) you can see some of the details - the "board and batten" railing was quite pretty especially for a man who knew nothing about building.  Even the curve of that corner echoes the curved pew I saw that sat in the shadows behind it.  This guy is either completely batshit insane or an absolute fucking genius.  Both I think.

I don't even know...

I believe most of the materials and furnishings are donated or found so there's a real thrift store/junkyard chic feeling about this place.  Probably why I liked it so much.  This picture makes me exceedingly happy.

Part of the ModSauce road trip posse included an architect although I wouldn't recommend inviting one if you visit here unless you would like to be told in horrifying detail exactly how you will plummet to your death at every step or watch in helpless horror as the weight of a squirrel collapses the roof on top of you due to the lack of building code compliance because of things like this:

Roof fail.  Or WAS it??!!! 

???????



The underside of some stairs.  I think...

 Of course we're all still alive so show's how much you architects know about miracles building things!!  AHAHAHAHAHA! 

Or designing floor plans because this entire place is like an awesome maze.  All of these pictures might be visually confusing and lack a sense of spatial depth because that's exactly how it felt to be inside.  We wandered around for hours because there is no way to get yourself oriented correctly.  There are no hallways or logical entrances or exits or continuous staircases but instead there were lots of dead ends and trap doors and secret spaces that kids kept popping their heads out of.  Every corner was a surprise and a puzzle.  It was exhausting and exhilarating.  However there was a general feeling of wanting to climb higher to visit the bell tower but hell if anyone knew how to get there.  


Oh look - some steps going up!!

I'm guessing this doorway led to one of the balconies that encircled each story for when you wanted to some fresh air but only for a minute because the roughly 2-foot wide balcony had large gaps of daylight peeking through the slats in the floor and I knew if I hit a rotten piece I would plummet to my death just like my architect friend told me I would and I did NOT want to prove that fucker right.  So I tried to step on the "joists" only...  They were not 16 inches on center.  More like 2-3 feet.  If I was lucky.

Uh oh... we're getting high...

Alright, I'm dizzy and tired so come back tomorrow for Part 2 of the MS adventure...  Squeeee!!