Monday, February 22, 2010

Dear Kieran Timberlake Associates,

I know that you, at Kieran Timberlake Associates, may have lurked around my blog this week after my post on the rebuilding of the lower ninth ward featuring a house that you designed. I may or may not have called the colors of your house ugly and possibly bashed the entire project and your out-of-touch designs. Too bad there’s really no way to ever tell exactly what I said since that was soo long ago and the internet is such a poor resource for keeping tabs on stuff like that.

Atwater Commons at Middlebury College in Middlebury, VT

But since you, Kieran Timberlake Associates, decided to stop by (for a half second because of google alerts) I take that as a desperate attempt on your part to get in touch with me so I can interview you. I would really like to open a discourse about this project - the good and the bad - and for you, Kieran Timberlake Associates, to school me with your fancy blueprints and ivy league educations.  Or maybe not - looks like one of your senior associates actually studies vernacular architecture but I'm guessing he must have been on vacation that week, huh? 

new sculpture building and gallery at Yale 
What a fitting (and completely relevant) juxtaposition to the building in front...

Does it piss you off, Kieran Timberlake Associates, that every article I read during the one google search extensive research for that post ripped your design a new asshole? Did you spend weeks and months coming up with that design and then some asshole like me tells my twelve readers the world your hard work looks like shit?  Do your balls just itch to tell ignorant whores like me to shut the fuck up because I don’t know the difference between a skylight and a solar panel? Or did you come up with a fabulous design (that’s a toss up – I saw the original renderings) and Brad Pitt and his construction crews totally fucked it up and you’re uber pissed about it? Are you like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men and I’m Tom Cruise (unfortunately) and I know that you want to tell me about it. You’re dying to tell me. You eat breakfast 300 yards away from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill you and nobody's going to tell you how to run your architecture firm least of all the Harvard mouth in her faggoty white kaftan uniform. I’m just going to ask a few questions and lead you right to where you want to go. Seriously I want to talk to you - email at madamesunday at gmail dot com. Tell me why I’m an asshole. Tell me (secretly) why I’m right. I’ll post it. I’ll not post it. Your call fancypants.
Loblolly House in Taylors Island Maryland

I don’t know how much time you actually spent here but I’m sure you may have come across a few cuss words or a disparaging remark or two about conservatives. Don’t let that deter you if have reservations or happen to think Sarah Palin is the second coming of Jesus – I can totally act like a professional when necessary and use smart words like “verisimilitude’ and I even know what Brutalism is.  No ‘fucks’, ‘assholes’ or references to my panties exploding. Unless you want it. Do you want it? Are you a bad little architecture firm that needs to be put in its place? Well if you don’t respond to my interview request I’ll automatically assume that you are a bunch of douchebags and you can basically lick this madame’s patent leather boots, you elitist fuckers.* You’re going to need a safeword for the verbal lashing I’m going to give you.
Cellophane House for the Museum of Modern Art modern homes exhibition

Just to further taunt you I even included pictures of other Kieran Timberlake projects that I do like because I’m complex like that. I even went to your website and read your blog and saw how you donated to Heifer International for Christmas 2009, are one of the most award-winning and respected firms in the world, have advocated sustainable design long before it was cool (you, dear readers, can buy a living house here for an easy half million) and were featured on Big Ideas for a Small Planet on the Sundance Channel. I would have liked to have seen that but alas I’m poor and can’t afford premium cable or the 1.99 to download it from iTunes (I spent all my money on the Them Crooked Vultures album). What’s great about talking to me is that I actually have a degree in designing spaces therefore can appreciate the value of architecture and sustainability AND I’m totally the demographic (not really) you’ve designed these houses for. I’m poor, Southern and ethnically diverse (I’m in a Hispanic book club and I basically live in the ghetto).  I have my finger on the pulse.  So here’s your chance, Kieran Timberlake, to practice what you preach about sustainable design for all (see bullshit about living houses above), educate a layperson and make it seem like you’re still in touch with your New Orleans "clients".  It’s obvious that your current attempts at charity and goodwill are just for marketing and to cover your raging hard-on of pretension.
Noyes Community Rec Center at Cornell in Ithaca, NY

This plea also goes for all you followers out there. I would love to know what you think about stuff even though I know it’s reedeeculously hard to click out of google reader and comment sometimes. I’m thinking you read Modernsauce for the lifelong bestest bestest friendships we’ve made and not for the mental images of me rolling around on car hoods. But if that IS the reason you’re reading this then email me immediately and I’ll tell you about my patent leather boots you dirty dirty man slut.

Respectively yours,

Madame Sunday and the Modernsauce team (it’s just Charlemagne in a wig and the same saucy Carmen Sandiego jacket)

*You’re not douchebags (I don’t think) but I’m trying to taunt you into submission. Is it working?


  1. When AD first published the New Orleans houses, the saving grace was Brad Pitt, foreground, in a stunted fedora. I was embarrassed to find visual relief in a man's attire and artfully trimmed beard. I figured I was stupid and just didn't get it. Now I know that any house is a good house when yours has been washed away, but don't try and tell me that it is pretty.

  2. Well said Katherine. You perfectly captured the "don't pee on my leg and tell me it's harvested rainwater from my roof" sentiment even if said roof was partly paid for by donations and a celebrity. I'm glad I'm not alone. And no you're not stupid - you're fabulous.

    And for your effort in commenting you are now my favorite reader. Don't tell the others. Your token bag of Sour Patch Kids and copy of I Married Adventure is already in the mail.