Monday, February 1, 2010

Run! It's the return of the vagina chair!

I was just tooling around Desire to Inspire today minding my own beeswax and crushing on this chandelier when all of a sudden this:
photography by Karl Anderson (he's not responsible for this fuckery)


It's less wrinkly somehow and I didn't notice all the hardware the first time but it is definitely the SAME CHAIR.  The same fugly labia chair that was in kdubs' beach house.   At this angle we can see even more fugness like the weird diaper-like upholstery job that's bolted down and has a handle.  A fucking handle?  Do you just clip it to your key chain?  And it looks like it's about twelve inches off the ground so you can't actually get up or down in heels like a classy madame  you pretty much just have to drop straight down and hope you aimed correctly.  To get out you roll sideways off of the chair onto all fours and then crawl to the table to drag yourself up trying not to break the overpriced art vase collection.  In the process you've just flashed your spanx-wearing ass to the party and lost your cocktail.  FUCK YOU CHAIR!  You look like a sideways cameltoe that ate a bracelet!

I'm ignoring the matching couch in the background.  It's just too much to handle right now.

Since this chair is forever burned into my soul I figured I needed to get a little more background information before I start the exorcism.  Turns out it wasn't crafted out of some old crackhouse curtains and wrecked bicycle parts it was designed by Tobia and Afra Scarpa in the 70's for Cassina and named the Soriana chair.  Well Madame Sunday likes designer Italian furniture and disco but I'm still going to call it the Wrinkled Vagina Lips Chair with Braces from Labia Hell.  The interweb says it won awards although for the life of me I can't find out what.  I wonder what the furniture equivalent of the Razzies is because I bet it won that.  The Soriana chair is to design what Lindsey Lohan is to cinema. 

More fuckery in even worse colors:

Oh gawd.  It's a giant turd grimacing at me.

*dry heave*

from the original advertisement found on imodern 

It comes in red.  Just looking at it makes my insides feel dirty.  I think it's actually sticking its tongue out and laughing at us for being such dipshits in giving it an award.  I don't care if it's made with minimal materials and feels like a cloud of baby angels that your ass is resting in Jesus should have made a better looking vessel for his furniture cherubs.  I can't believe in a universe where Jesus would create such beauty as the tulip table AND this!   It HAS to come straight from the fiery bowels of the underworld!!  You probably float across the river Styx on the elongated version above.  

If somehow you think that these are the essence of perfection and must purchase one of these *dry heave* then get ready to drop at least 3 grand.  You might as well go ahead and get the matching ottoman and couch to complete your room for Hades God of the Underworld to lounge on.  At least you'll know when flash your ass getting out of the chairs then you won't be flashing Jesus. 

That would just be soo wrong.

1 comment:

  1. Well evidently you know nothing about design, and it is clearly stated in your post. This is one of the most Iconic piece ever made in the History of Italian Design. It won the Compasso D'oro in 1969 because its concept was absolutely new and avant grade, a bundle of fabric or leather hold together by a steel clamp, without giving up extreme comfort. Have you ever seen this sofa or just pictures? Have you ever slide your hand over the gorgeous original leather ? This sofa is now a big collector piece sold at auctions and very rare and it is not even comparable to the Tulip collection that being new it looks so old already and people buy just because they saw in magazines, and hope to replicate magazine pictures and end up doing a mess in their homes, and often too often buy the chinese copies paying a lot for poor very poor quality. This is simply IMPOSSIBLE TO COPY because only the finest upholsterer would be able to perform such a skilled job on the leather and replicate the folds and very few upholstery would be able to pick the correct leather for this model without making the effect look like plastic. Oh and by the way these sofas range today in the 10k range so as you se the more time passes the pricier it gets. I can suggest some books about the history of Italia Design if you'd like....