Thursday, March 24, 2011

It's all funny fun times til someone forgets how to use a table saw.

It's been a rough few days for the Madame this week.  I had to grow a pair of lady balls and get tough with the contractor dude.  This is pretty hard because despite being the HBIC of this here blog I'm kind of a puddle of sweet Southern mush.  Mush with glitter.  Omigawd I AM glitternaise....!!!!!  Well shit.  

I'll update with pictures the kitchen situation - the kitch sitch?! (barf) - next week because it was mostly a lot of us using our words to fix the "incident" as we are referring to it now.  Really harsh words I don't like to use like "Weeellllll.... I guess it's okay.... uuhhhh.....*frowny face*...."   I'm sorry you had to witness that.  So after a few days of hurty words and bad juju I thought I'd remember the good ole days when one of the contractor dudes and the Madame were bestest friends of all time ever.  Over the past few weeks I mostly communicated with my project manager (PM) via text.  We're so high tech like that.  During this time I learned about all the day's progress and that this dude is kinda funny.   So here's an actual transcript of some of our texts over the past few weeks.

But first off - didn't I say that I didn't want to become toooo casual with my contractor because it would prevent me from ripping them a new asshole in the future should the need arise??  Yeah.  I know myself too well.  This is like watching a bus full of happy kids with sparklers and one liners right before it crashes into a brick wall.  It was all going too well... 

I'm illustrating this post with images from Living Architecture: India via but does it float because why the fuck not?!
On Day 2:
MS: Can you make sure to turn on the breaker to the guest room? I can't find where you put the panel and I need my internet! 
PM: I know what you mean. I cry when my phone doesn’t have 3G.

Ok.  I like where you're going, dude.  Carry on.

On Day 3 the ceiling fell.  On Day 4...

MS: No accidents today? [editor’s note: foreshadowing?]
PM: So far. I’m hiding under the floor to be safe.

And then the shit hit the fan with the plumber.  Actually we should change that phrase to "and then the plumber's face hit the grinder" because damn y'all...

MS: Is it bad form to buy the plumber something because um seriously…?!
PM: No you can get him something. I don’t know if there are any social rules for having a grinder blade break and hit your face. 
MS: What’s the plumber’s name for the card?
TB: Jimmy The Plumber.  That’s his first middle and last name by the way.

they should be thankful I'm not asking them to build this
MS: Did you and the inspector make nice today?!
PM: Oh yeah. Best buds lol
MS: Now you can give him the other half of your friendship locket.
PM: Oh I already gave it to him.
MS: Will Jimmy The Plumber be jealous?
PM: He will understand.

MS: Heads up! I’m coming home to grab my tile and run to the tile store!
PM: I’ll make sure I’m not asleep then.
MS: Turn off the pay per view too please.
PM: Well, I’d have to be awake to watch that.
MS: Touche.  One  at a time.
PM: It’s fine. I’m not even there right now anyway.

Because color is my LIFE I needed a weekend (ok and the two weeks before while they were doing other things) to make my paint decision.  Specifically I needed the  morning light on a Monday after a rainstorm before the vernal equinox but it's not like I'm picky or anything.  But I'm a dumbass and waited til the Monday Daylight Savings Time started and it was dark in the mornings again before I went to work.  Fuck.  I just had to go with a color...

MS: Stupid time change! Please use BMoore Soft Chamois OC-13
TB: Yeah it’s a little dark still.
MS: It’ll be fine. I’m just neurotic.  I AM a designer after all! ; )
TB:  It will be fine.  As long as it’s not a really bold color.
MS: It’s a really bold beige.
TB: Oh no!

Oh yes.
TB: Be prepared when you get home today.  It may look a little sufferer.
MS: Was “sufferer” a Freudian slip or a sadly timed autocorrect?  I’ll hope for the latter… ; )
TB: It was an autocorrect error. It was supposed to be different.
MS: Good!  I’m excited about different!
TB: Good.  It’s better than sufferer.

And then the glorious cabinet install...
MS: Everything going as planned?
TB: oh yeah. We are on schedule to finish sometime
MS: As long as I can cook a meal by Christmas… ; )
TB: It may be Christmas dinner but definitely before we have a new president.

Ahahahahahaha *wipes away tears* ahahahahahaha!  Remodeling is so fun I can't believe people complain about...  Boom.  Countertop fuck up.  Sadness.  I cry for real.

It couldn't last forever.  Next week see how my tears are dried.  Hopefully.  In the meantime, this weekend text a friend a smartass remark. It shows you care.  You never know when the plumber's face will hit the grinder.


  1. I hope you set him straight, Madame. Accept nothing less than perfection! I know that you are ready for this to be over and finished. Let me know if you need back up, I am just down the road...

    Brenda Lynn

  2. I want to text him too. And can you text me the recipe for glitternaise? I want to make a special gifty-poo for Nick. Wait. Are you going to publish texts with Nick? Because if so, can you trick him into giving out his lavender ice cream recipe or whatever the hell it's called?
    BTW, wouldn't a half, broken grinder fix the counter space problem?

  3. You. slay. me. Here, have a tissue. And a strong drink.

  4. I think your guy is related to my stone installer guy who told me my bath job would take a week three weeks ago.

  5. Brenda - Actually talking to everyone here and on Twitter was pretty helpful. So nice to have your support - morale booster indeed!

    Alexandra - Mine and Nick's text are not appropriate for this blog. And that's saying a lot... I'm kidding. They're not appropriate because it's just me whining a lot and him telling me to grow some lady balls. Glitternaise is a secret family recipe btw.

    Kelly M - I need both! I've been cutting back on my drinking so I can have my wits about me during this process so I can't wait to get shitfaced when it's all over! Ahhh....

    Raina - oh no! We hadn't heard why the bathroom was taking so long but that sucks! I had to grow some balls - I hope you're already well-equipped. ; )

  6. I'm laughing my tail off. I'm glad you grew a set and set him straight. It's your $$ they are working on, I mean wasting!

  7. Ginger - oh yeah. I set him straight after 3 days of phone calls and emails! Growing ball is hard! ; )

  8. So the detail encrusted palace of stone is the future plan for the ranch?!

    Using words (hurty or not) to fix the "incident" was a good call. I've noticed that contractors get nervous and jumpy when you start taking pictures of the work, in silence, as they're working on it. It's still fun to do though, keeps 'em on their toes :)

    You've got an extra Hermes box to store that new "pair" you've got now right? :)


  9. Izzy - Yes after the kitchen we will begin work on the stone palace exterior!

    I'm in love with the idea of taking pictures while they're there! Just a lone camera click as judgment... *click*

    I'm fresh out of Hermezz boxes. Can you knit me a cozy bag for them though?! ; )

  10. Maybe there's a market on Etsy for knit "lady ball" coozies :)

  11. Izzy - I think you're about to find out...

  12. I remodeled a kitchen years ago and don't want to revisit the uncomfortable moments of total exhaustion and omgshouldIgoantiquebronzeorbrushednickel. Those are near death decisions. Much like sufferer paint colors. BUT. tell them to fix your effing counter (= they buy a new one and start over). Don't they know it's measure twice cut once? And also remind them righty tighty, lefy loosey just in case.

  13. Seriously - these near death decisions are trying to kill me! The countertop situation has been resolved and I'll update everyone tomorrow though it almost killed me too. Regardless, with this remodel I'll be dead soon. Thanks for stopping by Julie! (it might be my last post since I'll, you know, be dead soon)