It's been a rough few days for the Madame this week. I had to grow a pair of lady balls and get tough with the contractor dude. This is pretty hard because despite being the HBIC of this here blog I'm kind of a puddle of sweet Southern mush. Mush with glitter. Omigawd I AM glitternaise....!!!!! Well shit.
I'll update with pictures the kitchen situation - the kitch sitch?! (barf) - next week because it was mostly a lot of us using our words to fix the "incident" as we are referring to it now. Really harsh words I don't like to use like "Weeellllll.... I guess it's okay.... uuhhhh.....*frowny face*...." I'm sorry you had to witness that. So after a few days of hurty words and bad juju I thought I'd remember the good ole days when one of the contractor dudes and the Madame were bestest friends of all time ever. Over the past few weeks I mostly communicated with my project manager (PM) via text. We're so high tech like that. During this time I learned about all the day's progress and that this dude is kinda funny. So here's an actual transcript of some of our texts over the past few weeks.
But first off - didn't I say that I didn't want to become toooo casual with my contractor because it would prevent me from ripping them a new asshole in the future should the need arise?? Yeah. I know myself too well. This is like watching a bus full of happy kids with sparklers and one liners right before it crashes into a brick wall. It was all going too well...
|I'm illustrating this post with images from Living Architecture: India via but does it float because why the fuck not?!|
On Day 2:
MS: Can you make sure to turn on the breaker to the guest room? I can't find where you put the panel and I need my internet!
PM: I know what you mean. I cry when my phone doesn’t have 3G.
Ok. I like where you're going, dude. Carry on.
On Day 3 the ceiling fell. On Day 4...
MS: No accidents today? [editor’s note: foreshadowing?]
PM: So far. I’m hiding under the floor to be safe.
And then the shit hit the fan with the plumber. Actually we should change that phrase to "and then the plumber's face hit the grinder" because damn y'all...
MS: Is it bad form to buy the plumber something because um seriously…?!
PM: No you can get him something. I don’t know if there are any social rules for having a grinder blade break and hit your face.
MS: What’s the plumber’s name for the card?
TB: Jimmy The Plumber. That’s his first middle and last name by the way.
|they should be thankful I'm not asking them to build this|
MS: Did you and the inspector make nice today?!
PM: Oh yeah. Best buds lol
MS: Now you can give him the other half of your friendship locket.
PM: Oh I already gave it to him.
MS: Will Jimmy The Plumber be jealous?
PM: He will understand.
MS: Heads up! I’m coming home to grab my tile and run to the tile store!
PM: I’ll make sure I’m not asleep then.
MS: Turn off the pay per view too please.
PM: Well, I’d have to be awake to watch that.
MS: Touche. One at a time.
PM: It’s fine. I’m not even there right now anyway.
Because color is my LIFE I needed a weekend (ok and the two weeks before while they were doing other things) to make my paint decision. Specifically I needed the morning light on a Monday after a rainstorm before the vernal equinox but it's not like I'm picky or anything. But I'm a dumbass and waited til the Monday Daylight Savings Time started and it was dark in the mornings again before I went to work. Fuck. I just had to go with a color...
MS: Stupid time change! Please use BMoore Soft Chamois OC-13
TB: Yeah it’s a little dark still.
MS: It’ll be fine. I’m just neurotic. I AM a designer after all! ; )
TB: It will be fine. As long as it’s not a really bold color.
MS: It’s a really bold beige.
TB: Oh no!
TB: Be prepared when you get home today. It may look a little sufferer.
MS: Was “sufferer” a Freudian slip or a sadly timed autocorrect? I’ll hope for the latter… ; )
TB: It was an autocorrect error. It was supposed to be different.
MS: Good! I’m excited about different!
TB: Good. It’s better than sufferer.
And then the glorious cabinet install...
MS: Everything going as planned?
TB: oh yeah. We are on schedule to finish sometime
MS: As long as I can cook a meal by Christmas… ; )
TB: It may be Christmas dinner but definitely before we have a new president.
Ahahahahahaha *wipes away tears* ahahahahahaha! Remodeling is so fun I can't believe people complain about... Boom. Countertop fuck up. Sadness. I cry for real.
It couldn't last forever. Next week see how my tears are dried. Hopefully. In the meantime, this weekend text a friend a smartass remark. It shows you care. You never know when the plumber's face will hit the grinder.