Thursday, March 10, 2011

Kitchen Updates: You just have that hobo glow about you!

We're a week and a half into the remodel and after the orgy from hell courtesy of Charlie Sheen's pact with the devil we're finally moving along.  However that first week was pretty rough.  Good thing I was too high on remodeling adrenaline and meals consisting only of microwavable soup and crackers to notice.  Let's recap:

Last Monday the tree took it's final walk of shame, the frame to the front door cracked and I had no internet.  The Ranch pretty much got spanked.  Tuesday I think everyone was still in a state of shock so the leaking plumbing vent pipe we discovered was nothing.  Wet and moldy insulation?  Puh-lease.  I'm a veteran of disaster now.  But then Wednesday came and shit started gettin real, y'all.

On hump day the ceiling in my kitchen just couldn't take it anymore and decided to say her final farewells in a dramatic style (such an attention whore) and collapsed.  I was planning to give it a fresh new sheetrock layer for support - kinda like a new bra for your ceiling - but instead it was all "I don't need your rules and judgment!" and ended with a dusty and dangerous flourish.  (Note to the Madame: you can never have enough air filters.)  The ceiling is like a borderline alcoholic middle-aged redneck divorcee that is trying to look hot again but it mostly comes off as gross and desperate.  This ancient plaster ceiling has been around the block -  it's full of cracks and tape and shoddy repairs and too much eyeliner and it might weigh a billion pounds and be tough as nails but one little hole for a recessed light proved too much for such a delicate beast. She crumbled like she was left alone at last call again.  Fortunately no one was hurt because the men were smart enough to avoid her traps before the real damage was done.  

Hello rafters!  It's so spacious up there...  Also really damn cold.
This wasn't too much of a surprise since this had already happened in another room of my house and is not uncommon in our neighborhood.  This is all mostly likely due to the fact that everyone’s houses are possessed like mine it's not a good idea to gently nail a billion pounds worth of diamond-hard plaster upside down to ceiling joists and then run ceil heat through it.  If you don’t know (I didn’t when I moved in) ceil heat is radiant heat in the ceiling hence the really clever name for a really stupid idea.  Nothing makes a material last forever like constantly heating and cooling it almost every day year upon year. 
That's almost 1.5" thick.  My PM said it might actually contain pieces of the Berlin Wall.
The heated wires run between the two layers - a sheetrock-ish layer and the thicker plaster-ish layer which combine to create a material with the density of a black hole and the heating efficiency of tiki torch.  Gosh, I've lost all feeling in my feet because of the frigid temperatures but my retinas feel like they're touching the sun!!  Fucktards.

But we weren’t done with Wednesday yet.   One of my super nice neighbors called the inspector to come pay us a surprise visit.  How considerate of them!  If you’re an uptight stickler for rules you might want to turn away now…  Like most normal people in the country I did not get a permit for this project because, um… this is the real world and it's a small project and *shrug* who gives a shit.  It's not like I'm adding a second story addition here...  Feel free to rail on me in the comments if you like.  So of course we had a permit the next day and nailed it to a tree facing the offending neighbor because IN YOUR FACE, asshole. 

Thursday we had high hopes.  I didn’t have a tree or a ceiling or a kitchen or the internet and was spending my nights at Starbucks so I could do really important things like tweet and read dlisted so what else could possibly go wrong, right?!  Here’s what:  that afternoon I get a call from the project manager telling me ‘not to be alarmed’ which is the international phrase for get alarmed right fucking now.  The plumber had an accident and “busted his lip” on a tool and there was a lot of blood.  An ambulance was called.  

I'm sure this clusterfuck had nothing to do with the accident...
Fortunately he was alright and didn’t even need the ambulance - just a few stitches.   I may not believe in permits but I’m hella glad I believe in hiring insured contractors because my kitchen is CURSED!   Cursed I tell you!!  When the plumber returned from the hospital to get his truck I saw that his lip wasn’t “busted” but was, in fact, completely sliced open from upper lip to cheek like the Joker decided to visit half his face.  Christ on a cracker!  He explained that while grinding my pipes (shut up) a goblin suddenly possessed the grinder, breaking the blade and sending the entire grinder ricocheting backwards from the force and slicing his face open like butter.  Ok I made the goblin part up...   It’s a good thing my guardian angels were at home recovering from a bender and were able to protect his EYES and JUGULAR because OMIGAWD HE COULD HAVE DIED!  Two near death incidents in my house is enough to send a Madame straight to the bottom of a bag of Sour Patch Kids.  Sugar make the hurt go away.

I felt pretty shitty that my plumber was now permanently disfigured even though a dangerous looking scar will probably get him laid a lot more.   I thought I should get him a gift of some kind but since Mrs. Manners has yet to tackle the “sorry your face was almost cut off in my house and I’m hoping you don’t sue me” dilemma I’m on my own.  A gift certificate to a restaurant seemed cruel since he can’t really eat so I settled on a gift card to a movie theater.  I figured he could take a bunch of narcotics and then go see some horrible movies.  Sounds like an awesome day to me.  My smartass project manager said to address the accompanying card to Jimmy The Plumber since that was his first, middle and last name.  I just stuck with the more casual Jimmy.  Also, I think I chose the right contractors.

Honestly I can’t remember what happened on Friday.  I think I might have PTSD and I blacked out for a while but I don’t remember anybody dying or finding any blood trails anywhere so it must have been a good day. 

So here's where we are today:

Sorry for crime scene style photos. I have zero light inside or outside.  And zero skills at photography.
Squeee!  I have a ceiling and walls!  It's the little things in life...

According to a super smart and saucy psychic I know there may have been some negative energy released as a result of the demo.  I think you're right about this one, psychic dude.  Something was certainly released and it wasn't bunnies and sunshine.   However, considering a tree fell but not on anything important, a ceiling fell but not on anything important and a tool of death exploded but missed everything that was important I feel like the White Witch WAS here spreading her sparkle bubbles and unicorn essence.

White Witch is that you??!!!  Maybe it's just the lamp glow from the Guest Room for Hobos and Drifters.
As of today I passed inspection so IN YOUR FACE AGAIN asshole neighbor.  Your nosy non-scarred face which I hope you appreciate because it could be taken away from you at any time by goblin possessed tools.  We're over here just cruising along ahead of schedule.  I may not have a real sink or a warm dinner every night and I live in a ghetto box coated entirely of dust and we haven't even started finishing the sheetrock but I feel smiley and tingly every day when I see the progress.

I've got that special hobo glow of remodelers everywhere! 


  1. Wow! You have great remodeling stories. I can't wait for the cabinets to show up. Will we get a guest appearance by Nick?

  2. About 15 years ago I got hit with a racquet just below the left eye while playing racquetball. (It wasn't my own racquet - do you think I'd tell the story if I'd hit myself?) A trip to the emergency room and 15 stitches later, my wife tells me how hot it looks. Really? If I live to be a million I will never understand women. I would have bet my left... I would have bet something precious that my wife was immune to such things. Unfortunately, they did such a good job at the hospital that the scar is barely noticeable. Bastards. Anyway, I hope you plumber finds of gaggle of chicks who dig scars and make him forget all about the pain.

  3. Paul - Thanks! Sometimes I wish I had boring remodeling stories but then you'd have nothing to read! Nick will be back for sure! I won't let him go that easy....

    David - I would totally tell that story if I hit myself. It'd be in my top 5 story rotation! And yes, us ladies think scars are hot. All kinds. Acne scars, appendectomy scars, whatever. I can't explain it but it's HOT! And let's bet to keep all of you intact - we've had enough bodily harm at the Ranch lately. ; )

  4. Is it evil that I find your remodeling fiasco stories so damn entertaining?

  5. Raina - Absolutely not! I share because I care. Feel free to laugh and to thank gawd it's not you!

  6. With all that tragic near-miss (yes, literally) death-defying action, I'm inclined to believe that, even if your house is cursed, you've actually got some seriously bad-ass Guardians watching out for you and everyone visiting the scene.

    Thanks for the mention (and the divorcee ceiling metaphor verges on Literary, lady authoress).

  7. Slade - I'm pretty blessed right?! I'm happy to introduce you to the readers now so they'll know you when you come back for the blessing ceremony. ; )

    And thank you. Slut metaphors just come naturally go me.

  8. Madame, this is so much better to read than just a plain old remodel with everything going smoothly, not that I have experienced a plethora of them. Like Rosanna Rosanna Danna said, "it's always something!" I could tell you stories that would curl your hair! Maybe I will save those for when I get around to starting my own blog, hopefully in the near future.

    A little bird told me that your cabinets are to be delivered next Monday! I love cabinet delivery days! Keep the stories coming. Sorry that you did not make it to the home show. I think it went well even though Nick didn't make it either!

    Brenda Lynn

  9. Brenda - I hate to jinx it but this week has gone rather smoothly!! But I think we definitely need to hear some of your horror stories on your own site!

    My cabinets are being delivered next Wednesday as far as I know so I need to check with the birdies. Ha! Glad the show went well!

  10. I think it's awesome how they downplayed the severity of the injury. Because a Glasgow Grin (or half of it even) is a wicked injury no matter how one get's it.

    I've been cut as badly once. It involved a scoring tool, my left thumb, and a friend's white dress shirt (which was no longer so after the incident). I'll leave it at that. The thumb survived in working order (like DM's eye cut, the scar is barely visible anymore).

    It's equally awesome to see a room turn into itself! Bask in that hobo glow MS!


  11. Izzy - Modern medicine is killing me with their perfectly clean scars! I kid. Sorry about your accident but glad to hear everything's in working order again. Except for that poor poor shirt.

    Yes, I'm excited! I know the architects and designers who read this are used to new spaces but I'm not! I'm going to milk it for everything it's worth. Mwahahahahaha! *basking*

  12. Its the hunt, not the kill right?

    And the beat goes on
    La dee da dee dee, la dee da dee da.

    I wish you a happy ending.

  13. Paul - it's been fun and then interesting and then not fun and then maaaaybe fun again... I'm wishing for a happy ending too. ; )

  14. It's looking so good! I can't wait to see how everything turns out.

  15. We're so close Carol - stay tuned this week!!