Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Nick and glitternaise can fix anything. Except countertops.

It's time for another installment of Sad Rags to Rich Bitches: the ModSauce Kitchen Remodel of Amazing Awesomeness and Pizza Roll Fabulosity!  But first I'd like to welcome all of my recent new readers!  Thanks to the snark mama herself, Raina Cox of If The Lampshade Fits for her generous mention as well as the gang at Remodel Crazy.  Your fraudulent checks are in the mail.  You've all jumped into the middle of a remodel so make sure to catch up here if you're so inclined.  Or not.  It's not like you haven't witnessed Charlie Sheen unleashed from the depths of Hades to spread disaster and destruction upon a crappy 60's rancher before, right?  

Anyway, this week we started turning an empty room into a room that actually has a function!  That function is to house all my boxes of wine of course.  The gorgeous Kraftmaid cabinets from my friends at Cupboards (that's their fancy button over to the right) arrived and are making themselves comfortable in the ModSauce Ranch. 

Click images to enjoy larger amounts of fabulosity
So purty.  It smells like freshly painted wood in here and whatever intoxicating scent Kraftmaid sprays on their products.  I think it's Mario Batali pheromones or something.

These tongues are my secret corner rotating storage thingies.  I can fit a lot of pots and pans I won't use on those bad boys!  Nick, my cabinet designer, was able to put all kinds of fun rollout tongues and handy storage around the place - I just told him I'm cheap but really lazy so make it work.  And he did.  Oh, he did.

That broom needs to get all Fantasia from 1940 (not the Fantasia from American Idol 2004) and starting sweeping some shit up!  It's dirty up in herrr.

This is the stove wall.  How sweet of the contractors to stack their tools in the stove cubby so I can dance and twirl at night when they're gone.

OH COME ON!!!  Could you at least flatten them for me??!!  Guess what I'll be doing for the next six weekends...  Somebody just send me a case of hand cream now.

So in preparation for the light at the end of the kitchen tunnel, this past weekend I dug out of my hovel, borrowed a giant pick up truck and went to meet Nick in person at IKEA in Hotlanta to pick up my countertops.  It's the place that brings people together.  Specifically real people and people that are cartoon avatars.  It's like the Swedish "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"  Guess which one of us was Jessica Rabbit?  Since it was the first time I'd ever actually met someone from the internet I was pretty freaked and my face decided to grow a giant zit because of COURSE it did.  Thanks a lot, asshole face!  But in between cinnamon rolls, dirty jokes and Ektorp encounters we had a great time and he helped me finalize my countertop and hardware choices.  Pro tip: IKEA does NOT carry everything in stock at all times.  I've had plenty of furniture pieces be on backorder and the counter options I wanted were out of stock too.  Big blue box fail.  So I came home with the oak butcher block which I'm still totally happy with and: 

BLADOW!!!!!  Shit fire that looks good!!  Even Charlemagne couldn't help but snoop around.

The angled cabinet at the entrance of the room looks so cute and adorable I want to violate it with my love.

The cabinets on the fridge wall aren't installed but you get the idea.  The hole is for the microwave where the pizza rolls will be prepared for the fancy guests.

And then we move to the sink.  The glorious glorious sink.
Full body squeegasm.  Where's the Fantasia broom for support when I need it??

Knowing that I was getting butcher block I assumed I would get a drop-in sink to protect the wood.  Not my favorite but, hey, I have a budget.  Trying to find a contemporary single bowl, single hole drop-in sink for $12 is nearly impossible.  I know, right???!  So weird.  I found this one which was pretty damn hot in terms of drop-in sinks but if I decided to change out the counters in a few years I figured I'd want to switch to an undermount thereby wasting the significantly larger than $12 I'd just spent on said sink of hotness.  Enter Nick to save the day.  He sent me a link to a stainless steel farmhouse sink for about $300.  I pissed my pants.  Flushmounted it'll help protect the wood a little more and the apron front will eliminate possibly damaging the wood there too.  But every sink in that style I'd seen was about a jizzillion dollars so I didn't even think it was a possibility lest I start whoring (again!) and that's really inconvenient and the hours suck.  But after a bit of internet stalking we were able find one at the perfect size - 33" long and 10" deep - at the same price.  I don't know if I can handle that much steel but I was willing to give it the old college try.

Holy hell on wheels that's pretty.  But something's not quite right...

Gawddammit.  That's a pretty big gap.  And why is it sitting so far back?  Can I even fit my faucet behind it?  How awesome does that wood look though?  Do you think if I fill it with a paste I make of glitter and mayonnaise anyone will notice??

So I call Nick.  We talk daily anyway and by this point he's become my guidance counselor and self esteem coach in addition to being my design snarkfest partner.  He reminds me I'm the one with the money and to put on my big girl panties and tell them to fix this shit because it looks like my contractor is Edward Scissorfuckclaws.  (Ok he didn't say that but I used artistic license.)

On the back of the sink.
I bet I could drop an entire pizza roll down there!!  No amount of silicone or wood filler or  glitternaise paste is going to make that almost 1/2" gap look good.  Fuck.  

After a few texts the contractors aren't seeing the problem (I guess they think their glitternaise is better than mine) so I'm meeting with the guys in the morning to discuss why I think they are going to drive two hours down to IKEA to buy a new butcher block top.  In the meantime has anybody seen my big girl panties??  And do you think glitternaise gets rid of zits?


  1. That's a lot of sink for $300 smackers!!

    I'm trying to figure out why the sink isn't pulled out to the front edge of the counter...

    ...still working on it....

  2. Gaping gaps aside - GURL! - it's looking better than Brad Pitt circa Legends of the Fall (why did he cut that mane?!).

    You and Nick make a helluva kitchen dream team!

  3. Oh man is it great to see this taking shape. Just remember that it's the little frustrations and set backs that make us the resourceful, well-rounded grown-ups we hope to be some day. I love your floor, I love your counters, I love your cabinetry and I love the faucet that I know will make its appearance as soon as your contractor fixes his boo-boo.

  4. Orson - I know! I want to lick it. It looks (from sticking my head in the cabinet) that there is a natural resting place inside and the sink is sitting on that... but they may need to build a frame or something. I can't lift the sink by myself to investigate further!

    Raina - oooh that looks a whole lot better than Brad with the billy goat beard. High praise indeed! Maybe Nick should grow long hair...?! ; )

    Paul - You're right. I'm an "adult" and a professional uh... something and this is a minor issue. Thanks for the pep talk. Venuto can't wait to come out to play either!

  5. So are you going to share where this fabulous sink came from? It's a gorgeous piece of hardware you got there.

  6. EbArchDesign - Thank you! I got it at Overstock of all places! It's a Ticor if I remember correctly - 16 gauge - and 2.95 shipping. You can't beat that with a stick.

  7. I have asshole face from time to time but from previous experience any fat based product would not help said-situation. As magical as glitternaise (tm) sounds...

  8. It looks gorgeous, with the exception of the screwed up gap, but I have faith that you will make them see the error of their thinking.

    The pix look great!

    Brenda Lynn

  9. Yeah, I know where your big girl panties are...they fell down into that huge canyon between your sink and counter top!

    And I love the pile of hobo sleeping bags...er, I mean cardboard boxes out back. Reminds me of home! :-)

    Otherwise, things are starting to look great. Love to see it all coming together...

  10. Maybe your skinny hobo friends can sleep in the gap and not take up a whole room. That way the room will be free in case you decide to take whoring back up in order to pay for a new broom that actually flies.

  11. Looking good! :) It's pretty obvious that they messed up the sink placement, so I'd get them to replace it for you straight away.. and watch out for color differences in the woodwork between the old and the new countertops. You MIGHT have to replace everything thats connected, not just the piece they destroyed.

    Good luck! ;)

  12. Man was I glad to see the sink incident. I mean when you think about these guys starting on time, making good progress, everything looking good and staying within budget. I know you must be thinking that you found the perfect contractor.

    I found it bothersome to think there might be another. I'm sure they'll make it right for you just to bother me even more.

    It's coming together very well. Thanks for the updates.

    Good Luck

  13. *sigh*

    How am I supposed to leave a witty comment when you took my Edward S. statement already?!

    Better than you said it anyway, as I cannot violate the designer/client privilege.

    Looking good! Minor bump in the process. It'll be done before you know it!

  14. Alex - glitternaise makes sense in my heart but not my head. You are right, friend. Sigh...

    Brenda - I hope so too!

    John - ahahaha! I'll look there. ; ) Bet that pile of cardboard boxes is nice and toasty warm...

    Alexandra - good idea! If I stuff the crack with hobos they can help with dishes too! This ain't a free ride over here! Get to work!

    Kristian - I HOPE we don't have to replace everything but now that's all I can think about.... THANKS!!! ; )

    Dave - How inconsiderate of them to be so good! I kinda hope (not) that they just walk out on the job just to boost your ego... ; )

    Nick - designer/client privilege trumps ALL! Can you mail me some big girl panties?

  15. Me likey, but pull the damn sink forward allready and fill the rear gap with the same species of wood as the new top. You know, I have found that when things are going really smooth, it's time to take a step back and try and figure out just what the hell is gonna happen around the corner. It's a time to be vigilent with carefulocity.

  16. Whenever I find myself correcting a contractors "artistic license" I find referencing the installation instructions tried and true. It's a good "neutral" way of saying, "you're going to install this correctly right?"

    The advice may be a bit tardy, given the time difference between there and here, but I figured I'd offer it just in case.

    BTW - The kitchen's looking more awesome every post.


  17. Brad - I'm TRYING to pull it forward! Just gimme a sec... ; ) And yes you're right - things were going too smooth and every time I kept saying how good things were that little voice of reality in my brain kept saying but WAIT! Carefulocity indeed. (I'm totally stealing that btw.) And welcome to the Sauce Brad!

    Izzy - Ha! Installation instructions??!! Yeah, the sink didn't come with any. Wah wah waaahhh... And advice is NEVER too late! This whole thing is a learning process for me - and possibly some people reading! Nice to hear that you are liking the kitchen. ; )

  18. I Love it all! I have the same countertops and once I sealed them with Waterlox, I was even more in love. I found a similar sink at overstock and paid twice the price. What a steal! Can't wait to see it done!

  19. Ginger - no way!! Do you have pics? We need to talk Waterlox - I think I'm going to just use oil for right now but it seems like a lot of people I read about online used waterlox and loved it...

  20. I'm hearing "Violate with my love" to the tune of Madonna's "Justify My Love"- damn, that's one hot kitchen. Plus, fluffbutt. Meeeeeow.

  21. Kim - what a coincidence since I'm reenacting the video in the kitchen when it's done. Meow!

  22. Well, I'm officially jealous of your "secret corner rotating storage thingies". Those are freaking fantastic and I wish my kitchen had those. Instead I have to blind my animals with the unsightly vision of my fat ass while I wedge myself into the back of my cabinet of doom.

  23. Alycia - seriously, for the sake of animals everywhere, no kitchen should ever NOT have those. Good gawd, think of the kittens!!!!!!

  24. I don't know where I've been for the last week, but I'm so glad I have finally caught up with your kitchen adventure. That sink, oh, that sink! Is it possible to be in LOVE with a sink. Overstock?! I'm so shopping the O from now on. And I know you'll figure out a way to get the contractor to see the error of his ways on that bad gap. Don't you dare let them convince you that they can CAULK it! I am very extremely jealous of your kitchen, and happy for you too. It's going to be great!

  25. Don't be ashamed Tammy, for I too am in love with a sink. I think they wanted to caulk it but I was all 'nu-uhh" so we are replacing everything now.

    I'm so happy that you like the space!! Yippee!!

  26. I have a couple of sayings:

    "When in doubt, get the instructions out". And if it's too late for instructions, "when in doubt, get the sledgehammer out"
    Seriously though, you have created a real nice looking kitchen there and if you aren't proud of it, then you can just turn around, and get the hell out of here right now!

  27. I'm going to steal those sayings Brad, just an FYI. And YES I am pretty proud!! Walking into the space even though not even complete feels awesome (and it smells all fresh and new too) and I'm so happy y'all get to be here for the process as voyeurs AND my moral support! ha!