Some saucy tidbits that the Ying Yang Twins don't care anything about.

Here are some super important things that have come to my attention this week that I want you to know about.

Because I'm a giver.

Also, I'm a bit drunk because I've discovered the best new boughie cocktail that I just made up.  It's called a Frappuccini.  It involves a Starbucks bottled frappuccino - the stuff that I was addicted to in high school but now limit it to when I get a truck stop bacon, egg and cheese biscuit which is both way too many times and not as often as I want it to be.

So if you have some leftover from your truck stop biscuit run in the morning, I would recommend pouring in some vanilla vodka that night and then your shit is on and poppin.  You can probably shake over ice in a martini shaker over just stir it all up in a mason jar.  I'll let you guess which one I did.

I don't have measurements because I don't measure anything and it's pretty hard to fuck this up.  You could also throw in some Godiva liqueur if you have some laying around...  

I might drink bottled frappuccinos from truck stops but every classy Madame has Godiva liqueur in her fridge.  Drink up, boughie babies.

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I love these little shelters built by students at Taliesen West (Frank Lloyd Wright's home and architectural studio) photographed by the dudes from BUILDblog.

Apparently, the students build them and live in them at the same time.  

I would like one for my backyard.

I don't really know how I could build around the crates of sunscreen I would need were I to attempt something like this but I guess that's part of the design challenge.

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Lonny came back this weekend after taking a break for a few months due to lack of dinero and probably just general economic fuckery thanks to our shitty financial sitch.  It's probably because I've been forcing my employer to buy my birth control pills and they can't invest in new manufacturing facilities because my vagina has needs, yo.  Slut needs.


But I was glad to see it back in my inbox - Lonny that is - even if I'm pretty sure they publish the same lucite and chintz bedroom every issue.  


But they also came back with these pages:

Notice that giant snake pillow on bottom right? Kinda hard to miss. 

I understand the need for advertisers and incoming cash and have zero problem with entire pages devoted to their wonders - hell, I just want pretty pictures and don't really care who people have to blow to get them - but that $3800 stuffed snake in the corner isn't "playful" as you describe, it's insulting.  


Check yourself, Lonny.  Fuck yourself, maker of $3800 snake pillow.

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After my kitchen remodel last year I feel like all us remodelers are part of a family.  A very large, very poor family that bond over our shared nightmares and facial tics.  So I get kinda obsessed about looking at other people's real world renovations.  Not magazine renovations with $3800 stuffed snakes but people like us!  People like us that appreciate the finer things in life like Frappuccinis.   



So I was obviously excited to see the super fresh kitchen renovation of my blog friend @CapreeK of MAIYA.


The before:

Brown explosion. 


The after:

Shout out to another kitchen that keeps the existing white appliances!

Panty Explosion.  It's amazing what some new paint, tile, countertops and thousands of hours of pain and suffering can do to transform a space.  I feel my facial tic coming on...  


Keeping the existing floor and painting the cabinets themselves (daaaang, y'all), it's nice to see someone work with what their mama gave 'em.  

Hhhmm... methinks glass tile for my bathroom? One day...

Um... girl, I hope your mama did not give you those weirdo sex toys up there on the left...?!  Or are they salt shakers?  Regardless, there is probably a Ying Yang Twins song that applies to this kitchen somehow.  


You twerked that kitchen good.


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After we went to the window and then to the wall let's go to space!!

"In order to use the litterbox, you must first create the universe."  Cat Sagan, you are so wise.

I just found the Cat Scientist tumblr.  It makes me exceedingly happy.  

Combined with a Frappuccini, the awesomeness might make my brain explode and then there would be glittery sauce everywhere.  Until it would drip down your balls...

I think the only bad thing that happened this week is that Ying Yang Twins have not responded to my repeated requests to release a new album.  Just wait'll you see my $3800 snake!  It will beat you up.  And then maybe you could nap on it.

Maybe Cat Sagan can talk some sense into them.

Saucy tidbits with goat butter on top.

Here's a saucy grabbag of important things that are in my brain and what's been happening on the interwebs this week that caught my eye.  In fairness, it's not hard to catch my eye as long as it is full of shiny goodness reflected off the glitter wings of baby virgin pandas while they are dancing in the late summer rain.

Or there's shopping involved.

Fresh.  Like Doug E. Fresh but with way more lucite.

The bloggers who you read every day and wish you had their style even if you had to murder them and steal their creativity if that was even possible has made it possible but without the homicide part.  Friend of the Sauce Susie Q of Eye Spy, Nelya of Head Over Heels and Jenny of My Favorite and My Best have scoured the Southeast for all the awesomenest shit you will want to put in your home.  This is hard - I live in the Southeast and it's a wasteland around here sometimes.  Good thing for me they've set up shop in Hotlanta!  Those who are not blessed to live in the Dirty South can shop MINTY online and follow them on twitter.  Or don't.  More for me.  Mwahahahahaha!  

You know who could have used some MINTY in their lives?!  These homesteaders circa 1909 - taking pictures of their new homes to send home and show their families.  I'm obsessed with the entire collection of photographs on Slate probably because my great great madame grandmother took a picture just like this.  I'm kidding.  I come from a long line of horse thieves and hussies.

Horse thieves and hussies who love BUTTER!  Seriously, this butter is like goat ice cream you can put on your multi-grain English muffin with flax.  I would eat a roasted baby virgin panda if I could spread this stuff on top. I accidentally left it in the car after the grocery store one day where it ruined and then had a small memorial service for it.  Such a waste.   

via Amsterdam Modern

Never in a million years did I think I would type this next sentence but...  That yellow and white striped ceiling makes my designer bits tingle with unending pleasure.  Gio Ponti made it possible.  Thanks for turning me upside down, old timey starchitect.

A few weeks ago when I formally introduced myself, I got an avalanche of responses.  Not about my victory over the crushing anxiety that prevented me from walking outside or my imaginary monsters but, gawd bless you, you went straight for the important stuff: makeup.  I don't wear a lot of lipstick because I have big lips and I feel like anything more than clear usually makes me look like a Robert Palmer whore-mouth girl and I'd rather that impression happens after I open my mouth not before.  But I was on my way out to a birthday celebration so I threw caution to the wind and put on my new favorite gloss before taking a picture.  It's $3.  I'm a fancy yet frugal whore-mouth.  That's trying to wear more lipstick lately.

Australian Vogue Living via CMV 2.0

So much rainbow goodness.  MINTY, can y'all try to get one of everything in this picture?  At the very least I'll trade you a baby virgin panda dipped in melted goat milk butter and a half-used tube of $3 lip gloss for a bit of art.  


Deal?  Deal.

Saucy tidbits and shameless self-promotion

Lately, I have the internet attention span of a toddler jacked up on Mountain Dew and Skittles.  If you're like me you can barely make it through a entire blog post what with the heat and pudding brain.  So I've conveniently divided up my most important weekly happening into easily digestible oh shut up here's some shit I've been thinking about.


First and foremost, your favorite mediocre Madame has been nominated as everyone in the world's favoritest design blog of all time ever at Modenus.  I know, right?!  Motherfuckin DUH.  

mmmhhh.... toast

There are nine other disgustingly more awesome blogs than me on the list but I'm somehow happily in the middle!  It's an honor just to be nominated, seriously.  *cue loser's forced smile and gentle clapping*  Head on over before 5 pm on Friday August 5th and cast your vote for ME - it's super easy and I might win something...  I'm not sure.  Honestly, the people in the lead deserve to win so I'll be happy to just stay ahead of Apartment Therapy - they are only 4 votes behind me but it gives me infinite pleasure to say I beat them at something.  Mwahahaha!  

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And then there's this:

not quite so Stepford in real life

Seriously y'all, I think I've turned into a pain slut for Pure Barre.  Once upon a time I was a dancer - not necessarily a good one with my over-enthusiastic jazz hands and mediocre competition styling - but I'll always have a deep love for proper turnout, blistered feet and mirrored walls.  Whether dance fostered my love for sequins or merely gave it an outlet we'll never know...  Pure Barre builds on a ballet base and throws in a little yoga, pilates and torture for maximum ass-lifting, thigh-burning, core-destroying good times regardless of your skill level.  It's my new zen space.  I highly recommend it for all you former dancers out there or just anyone who needs their ass to have its own come to jeezus moment.  I swear you won't need a safeword.

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Do you think this girl has done Pure Barre?

found here but original source?

I don't care though because I'm more interested in her color palette.  I have mixed feelings about purple and mint green by themselves and just the thought of combining them makes me *shudder* and yet I love it here.  And throw in some yellow and orange?!  Even worse and yet I LOVE IT EVEN MORE.  Ok that headdress probably helps...  I tend to wear shirts at home but I reject pants as much as this girl and enjoy an overdramatic accessory or two so I can get behind a look like this.  You probably haven't made it past the boobs, huh?

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But enough about my fake Friday nights...

These illustrations by Alvaro Tapia Hidalgo are rockin my world because RAINBOW WOLF!!!  But his portraits of tv characters and horror icons are pretty badass too.  Rawr.

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Southern Living proves once again it's indispensable for all my casserole recipe needs and in providing local hotspots that I don't know about.

image from Music City Rambling

Bluegrass Underground is a concert series held 300 feet below ground inside Cumberland Caverns in McMinnville, TN.  That's right - bluegrass in a cave known as The Volcano Room formed 3.5 millions years ago.  What are YOU doing this weekend?  I think this would be perfect for my birfday next month and I can't believe I've never heard of this - I'm such a bad Southerner.  No idea if you have to dodge bat guano but I think it's still worth it because the acoustics are supposed to be near perfect. Also there's a motherfucking chandelier in there!  If you can't make it down to McMinnville PBS is airing a series filmed there starting mid September.

Do you think it would be too much to wear a horsehair headdress to an prehistoric hillbilly concert?  I say neigh!

I better go start teasing my headdress so don't forget to head on over and VOTE FOR ME!  Spoiler alert: I'll still be here next week if you don't so it's cool...

Saucy tidbits

A smattering of things happening at the Ranch and in my brain lately:


I'm really like this staircase and kinda want to lick the paneling but in a totally normal way.

Tim Street-Porter Photography via The Rumbling

You can keep that lamp though...


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Panty-creaming awesome news: Found out this week that the MS Ranch gets a new roof!!  The storms that rolled through our areas with the tornadoes earlier this year brought some serious hail.  I know because I heard it while I was sitting in the dark in my bathtub hoping the hail would be the worst thing I got - it was.  So insurance came out and was like "Dayum girl, your roof sucks!  Here's a new one." and I was like "Aww snap, show me the money!"  Now I have to find a roofing person and punch myself for talking like an asshole.


Obviously, in keeping with the rancher style of my home I'll go for something authentic and low maintenance like a thatch roof:

here

Unfortunately the mint green vinyl siding is in perfect shape because it's INDESTRUCTABLE!  


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Anybody else as excited about this movie as I am?!

Oh, just me?!  Figures.  Yeah, I know it looks kinda terrible but it's got cowboys and motherfuckin NINJAS in it!!  And Geoffrey Rush?!  How bad/awesome could it be??  Ok it'll probably be pretty bad but I'll still force one of my friends to see it with me so I don't have to be the only girl in the dark theater with 4 other mouth breathers.  I shouldn't make fun... those are kinda my people.

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I so love red right now.

here

Note to self: pretend like it's 1993 and buy some red lipstick that you'll only wear on a few Friday nights at home in your pajamas to make up for the fact that you're at home on a Friday night because only whores wear red lipstick that color out of the house.  Whores that I need to ask where they got their lipstick...


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Next week this Madame is putting down the computer, packing up her bestest sweat pants and heading on vacation!!  But not a normal vacation where I lounge in an off-season priced beach condo that smells like the ocean's ass, I'll be going on a swanky vacation!  GE Monogram is flying a madame and some other bloggering people to Louisville, Kentucky for a few days for general fabulosity and to do top secret cooking stuff.  Well, I don't think it's top secret but I like the idea of going on a vacation AND being a secret agent of sauteing.


We'll be staying at the 21C Hotel which is all famous and stuff for being badass because it's a hotel AND museum rolled into one.  Like a pig in a blanket but more arty.  Equally delicious I'm sure.

photos via Design Milk

After I get back I'll be spending the rest of my week doing madamey things like watching marathons of Locked Up: Raw catching up on poetry reading and roasting chickens for the underprivileged (i.e. my friends).  So enjoy your week without me clogging up your internet with stupid tweets and dickalopes!  


Keep it saucy, y'all.