Design Escapade: Shine some light in your ugly corners...

One of my goals this year is to be more open (shut up) about the goings on at the Ranch.  I know there's a fine line between being transparent and being a narcissist and I hope I can find that line and then do magic tricks on it like Madonna's levitating carnie from the Super Bowl halftime show.   

I like to 'keep it real' as the kids say (in 1997) so after mentioning my childhood dresser last week I thought I might swallow my embarrassment and post it.  Just to prove that because I'm a "design blogger" it doesn't mean I don't have awkward, messy and ugly corners of my house.  That was pretty much my entire house 3 years ago but I wasn't blogging then so you'll have to take my word for it.  But you saw my kitchen before the remodel right?!  Oh you're still having nightmares?  Well TOUGH SHIT!

So to own some of my remaining ugly corners I give you my dresser:

BOOM!  It's so faux-Empire '80s clunky and smells like the back of James Spader's neck.  It makes me want to put on some leg warmers RIGHT FUCKING NOW!  

And this is exactly how it looked - no styling - to honor the realness.  However, I did remove a bra from on top but I don't consider that 'styling' so much as 'not being a disgusting slutbag.'  

If you're wondering, everything was thrifted for under $10 (horse head was 50 cents) except for the old pre-Urban Outfitters Ashley G print and the candle.  I could probably make it work with better styling but why commit?  Let's just enjoy the shit I rescued from Goodwill five years ago before I return to Goodwill in a few more years.

I always keep my eye out for a replacement dresser and have stood in the corner of IKE-Rah for hours deciding which color Malm to get but I just can't make myself do it.  I don't really like this dresser but it weighs as much as a Motley Crue tour bus and will probably survive the nuclear apocalypse.  Fuck dovetails joints, this POS is put together with cocaine and the discarded carcasses of Shrinky Dinks.  There's just no good reason to spend money on a poorer quality dresser just because it's more stylish.  Everyone has their hard limits and I guess this is mine. 

When my parents first got married they went buck wild in the furniture store in some small Texas town and bought this dresser and its 6-drawer sibling and enough matching furniture to fill a late '70s beige split-level.  And they never bought another piece of furniture ever again.  The end.

Fortunately I don't have that problem but I do have the problem of finding a reasonably-priced, roomy, MCM Danish dresser in the TN valley.  So here she sits - Barbie sticker and all.  My "shameful" design blogger secret that I'm not really ashamed of.

In an effort to break the stigma of good taste and internet credibility of bloggers everywhere, I think it's time for us to all bond over our ugly corners!  So I propose a DESIGN ESCAPADE AND GIVEAWAY!  Yay!!  *mass panty explosions* *angels crying* *glitter fireworks*

So y'all - bloggers and non-bloggers - snap a picture of the most non-styled, ugly, embarrassed-if-another-design-blogger-showed-up-at-your-door piece of furniture or corner of your house and send it to me.  

It could be anything: that cheap faux oak (Fauxk?) computer desk from college you bought at Wal-mart even though you pretend you have never in your life shopped at Wal-mart. 

CPU tower on the floor! I had one of these.  For 8 years.  But I got it at Office Depot so I'm better than you.

It could be the Queen Anne's-style cherry coffee table or floral wingback chairs that you inherited from your aunt:

Hurts when confronted with past, huh?

Whatever your ugly corner is, take a picture and send me your shame.  If any enough brave souls submit I'll post them here, let the random number generator thingy select a winner and send that lucky winner a gift basket of awesomeness.  Remember how awesome the last giveaway was?!  Just wait til you see what nonsense I scrounge up this time!

So bring me your ugly corners!  I promise to skewer them on the internet for the world to see with the respect and delicacy your shitty Wal-mart furniture deserves.

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Tequila makes the sun rise in my soul.

The ModSauce Ranch had guests this weekend to celebrate an early Christmas.  We celebrated by making tacos and margaritas because that's what the baby jeezus would definitely have opted for over frankincense and myrrh had it been available.  People in olden times certainly had it hard.

To be completely honest, someone else made me the delicioso tacos and margaritas because even after all these months the kitchen of amazing awesomeness still inspires people to create culinary masterpieces.  That was the real purpose of renovating the kitchen...  So other people would want to cook for me.  That's what good design is - manipulative and saucy.

During this party weekend the Satsuma Sunrise was invented.  It's like a regular pitcher of margaritas but had about a dozen satsuma oranges blended into it.  It was so good I almost forgot who I was and celebrated the birth of jeezus.  Or maybe that was the tequila...?

And then of course we had to have an impromptu Design and Styling Challenge because it's a tradition now to create a cocktail out of whatever kind of booze and other drinkable liquids I have at the house and then photograph it looking sexy for maximum legitimacy.  I hear it's what all the cool bloggers do.

Also, it makes it taste better that way. 

And yes those are all things I had laying around the house.  It looks like we're celebrating the Day of the Dead at a Z gallerie in 1976.

Which would be AWESOME.

All I have is a ceramic cat, a lot of costume jewelry and time.

After last week's call for color and pattern I realized I have no idea how to actually incorporate a lion-killing warrior princess vibe into a room.  Some things are better left on the internet.  But then I found this apartment and figured I could settle for a little addition of color and some subtle - *gulp* - uh... "tribal" influences.  Don't worry - I just punched my left lady ball for that.  But still, look!

Well, helloooo blanket.  I don't care if there is a touch of Honeysuckit pank in there I still squeed a bit when I saw this room.   And I'm not sure why that stool is just floating in the middle of the damn floor...?  Stylist fail or is this actually a bedroom-slash-obstacle course?  I did NOT sign up for the new series Design Star Internet Celebrity Amazing Race, y'all!  I just want to lay in that bed and have beautifully serene (and hopefully filthy) dreams!  I'll probably have serene (and hopefully filthy dreams) about this bedroom tonight because I would punch my right lady ball to live there.  The right one is obviously the extra sensitive one in this fake lady ball scenario.

Ok maybe I can avoid violence and just make the Ranch look like this.  It's not mind-blowingly fuckawesome interior design of the century but it seems attainable to me and that's what we like around here - the Sunday side of life.  This place is 600 square feet and my house is more than three times the size of it so that means like 5 times the fabulosity!  Math is not my strong point.  Neither is Amazing Race Design Star challenges.  I already have white painted brick and somewhere I have black floor tile!  I know I can find a stool like that at a thrift store around here...  Books and magazines to excess?  CHECK.  Omigawd I think I already live here.  Or at least in this place's ugly inbred cousin house.

Ok so I think this just turned into the black, white and brown places I was just complaining about...  But I still like it and would still punch somebody somewhere to live here.  Kuba cloth pillows make it jazzy though, right?!  Or is it Wisteria from two years ago?  I don't care, it's still about five years ahead of my house.

Flowers and wine?  DONE.

Here's the super cute owner/designer with her jazzy haircut doing exciting designy things (as evidenced by the tilted photo) or whatever it is she's doing (reading this blog?!) while barefoot.  Jealous.  Oh wait - that IS what I do.  And I do it barefoot too.  We're like soul sisters.  I dig the stainless steel desk-slash-kitchen table-slash-autopsy table combo unit and I'm pretending to avoid the white, black and grey color scheme for the sake of this discussion...

Welcome back blanket!! I guess when your apartment is only 600 square feet having only one colorful piece really goes a long way.  I'm also liking the rest of the bedroom area even though it's very grey...  I think the glass inserts in the doors are smart as hell for this space.  

I have a table that's pretty similar to that console too.  Hhhmmm.... this apartment is becoming increasingly attainable!  Three cheers for the cable cord that's just laying on the floor too.  THIS IS REAL WORLD Y'ALL!  I'm in lesbian love with this lady.  She can tie me up with the cable cord, I don't care.

Aw hell.  Ok the patio kicks my patio's ass.  Maybe I have a long way to go for attainable.  However, if this were the ModSauce Ranch's fantasy patio I would probably toss one or twelve pillows covered in wax prints fabrics on that custom couch thing but maybe that's just me.  I might also add some chili pepper string lights for a bit of sophisticated fun.

Ok you can put the feet away now.

Look how staged yet still classy this is.  Just a fun lady enjoying some wine and a shelter magazine and THIS IS TOTALLY ME.  I think this entire place is simple, accessible and more importantly *I* could duplicate this look and live happily ever after.

Until I remember that I usually prefer to be surrounded by a bit more idiocy as evidenced by the spontaneous mini Design and Styling challenge that happened at the Ranch again this weekend.  You can't stop it - it's a movement.  There was a party and I may or may not have crafted bedazzled sweatbands for some of the guests...

click to enlarge for maximum goodness

After knocking back a couple of beers in fancy Cupboards koozies, the kitteh decided to join in the fun and modeled one of my creations.  Based on the success of these feathered and rhinestoned headbands I think I will be able to start a new business that the drunks at the party named Headcase.  I can't lose!!  I'll be able to get a sassy haircut, practice fake lesbian bondage and be surrounded by coolness all day!

Maybe one day I'll even be able to afford my own jazzy colorful blanket or ANY kind of furniture for my patio.  

Any at all.  

I'm not even picky.  

Just something.  

In the meantime all I have is a ceramic cat, a lot of costume jewelry and time.

*If you happened to receive this post in email but a half-assed version of it, I apologize.  My fingers might have been cursed by a group of bumbling witches and hit 'publish' on accident before I was done squeeing about things.  My apologies but at least my face isn't rotting off so it could have been worse.

Thank gawd y'all are as weird as me! The Design Challenge Escapade winner is...

Squee!  The results are in from the First Annual (or whenever I want to have another one) ModSauce Design and Styling Challenge Escapade inspired by drunken Fourth of July playtime here at the Ranch. (Update: to refresh your memory or for new readers, the challenge was to take a common item - a piece of fruit - and "style" it like fancy people in magazines.  Except we're not fancy - we're crazy and have shitty cell phone cameras and houses full of weird junk.) I feel so inspired now to be the first street artist of merchandising - like Banksy and Martha Stewart had a saucy love child.  

Without further ado, here are all of your submitted entries of amazing awesomeness:

"Peter Piper Packed a Pretty Perky Pecker" submitted by Franco

A stunning submission indeed!  To quote the artist, this piece "features three types of peppers, Mexican wagon wheel snacks called duros, a ceramic bowl, and a lovely crochet doily hand-made by my grandmother. A mix of old world implements and geometric motifs come to life in shades of greens and orange against against the delicate white gossamer tendrils of the doily atop a stark wooden table. Also, I like peppers. The end. PECKER! PECKER! PECKER!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.  But are you sure you're not just trying to tell me your grandmother is hot?!  

And speaking of peckers...

"Come towel" submitted by D.

Ahhh... a delightful ode to summer.  Dynamic stripes are as bold as this scene's intent.  After noticing the copy of Men's Health with Bill Compton on the cover, one sees the towel is not so much a a wel-COME-ing sight as it is more likely for the happy ending just a few minutes away...  Is the watermelon for before or after??  

From fitness expert and cat voyeur, Alexandra Williams (@alexandrafunfit) of Fun and Fit

Speaking of other naughtiness, Mrs. A wrote: "Caught Ella making naughty with the fruit again! But at least she uses expensive soap for her personal hygiene!"  It must be the summer heat brings out the freak in us animals because that is definitely a guilty look on her face.  Make your own 'kitty cat' and a 'hot box' jokes - I'm way too classy for that. 

"My New Reality at 49: Breakfast"  by Ginny Powell (@GinnyPowell) from A Cracked Door

The body is a temple.  Or at least the amount of money we spend stuffing it with supplements could build one.  Or an apple a day and blah, blah, blah take another vitamin...   The appearance of the Life of an Architect mug in the background is just in case you need someone to build your temple I guess.

"I call this hump day" submitted by K.

I call it delicious.  Yes, maraschino cherries ARE a fruit just like how candy corn is a real vegetable.  I like the industrial black and white linear starkness of the air conditioner in contrast with the hippie paraphernalia; dueling personalities coexisting with a bold triangle of red at its heart.  I get a waft of patchouli, plastic-smelling frigid air, the sweet tang of candied fruit and personal journey.  I want to go reread Eat, Pray, Love right now.  Thanks for making me feel again, K.

"Goat with Key Limes and Avocado" by susie q (@susieeyeq) of Eye Spy

Susie said she channeled her "inner Hemingway and wanna-be Picasso to create my badass masterpiece."  I just want that goat to channel some guacamole into my stomach right now.  I like the spicy use of color and rustic tropical quality.  And nothing says authenticity like Ace Hardware.  That wasn't a joke - I love Ace Hardware and Susie wins points just for shopping there too.  Also extra points for the goat. 

"Plums & Cat Pot Faerie" by Slade Roberson (@sladeroberson) from Shift Your Spirits

The intense perspective brings you up close and personal with that cheeky little kitteh.  So ethereal - like a mystical window jungle for pussies in pots.  However, you lose points for spelling fairy like "faerie" because this is America, gawddamit, and I don't want your foreign British influence all up in this hizzy.  Teaparty, remember????!!!

Continuing with the mythical creatures theme is:

"A Centerpiece of Heaven" by Tammy J. Dalton (@tammyjdalton) of Tamara Dalton Design Studios

A wizard and a dragon battle for the rightful owner of Mangoshire at the center of this work table going unnoticed by the daily business of life around them.  That's pretty hard considering it's on a delightfully summery honeysuckit pink and neon orange tablecloth!  The life and death struggle hiding in plain site in front of the desensitized drones of our current world... tsk, tsk, tsk.   'Embrace your madness,' says the bottlecap, but I think that wizard and dragon just need to embrace.  They're both screaming 'NOTICE ME!  LOVE ME!' as we all are in our invisible battles every day.  *sob, sob, sob*

Extra points to Tammy for bringing the nerdiness.

"Me in a Nutshell" by Paul Anater (@Paul_Anater) of Kitchen and Residential Design

I'm going to let Paul tell you about this: "Let me explain what you see here. Starting in the back, the first item on the left is the Gold Bond powder I rely on to get through the summer in a hot climate. Next to it is a bottle of multi-vitamins because Madame Sunday told me to keep an eye on my vitamin D levels. [MS Sidebar: I did.  It's important, y'all.]  Next to the bottle of vitamins is a bottle of Mario Badescu enzymatic cleanser. That stuff erases the fact that I'm middle-aged. Really.

The level in front features an architect's rule because you never know when you going to have to scale a drawing. It's resting atop a peach. I like peaches almost as much I like mangoes. The peach is sitting in a demitasse and saucer set from my full service for eight in the 1950s era pattern Mediteranee from Mikasa. Next to my demitasse is a business card hawking my website and a deck of cards from the Venetian in Las Vegas. To the left of the demitasse is a tin of licorice pastilles I bought in Rome because I'm classy. In the foreground is a vintage netsuke that shows a dog having marital relations with a rabbit. That shows I'm classy too."

Marital relations...  *giggle*

I'm basically peeing in delight at the awesomeness of my readers.  But this next one is a real stunner and is my runner up (and will win a surprise present as soon as I find some more shit around my house to pack up): 

"The suffering" by Bri (@meyouandaweiner) of Me, you and a weiner

Bri takes my "let's keep it shitty" rules and, in true weiner style (and, I guess, MS style), gives it the middle finger and produces this stunning display of Kelly Wearstleressness.  It's exactly how I imagine K Dubs genitalia to look like: organic, brassy, gorgeously glam with a bedazzled butt plug, a complimentary color palette and a monkey that is either trying to escape or hang itself from a chain.  A suffering of blueberry, Hermez o-range and sparkle.  Well done, Bri.  Bonus points for shear fucking awesomeness but you lose points for being too fucking awesome.  Don't you know this is a blog of mediocrity?!

So the winner for me IS....

"untitled" by Alycia Wicker (@alyciawicker) of  E-decorating

This one just speaks to me.  Hello Kitty toys, Jeebus in an ashtray that says "Jesus hates it when you smoke" (except when you're burning in hell, of course) sitting next to a camera because he is ALWAYS WATCHING YOU like a soul stalker and a giant banana phallus proudly dominating this arrangment.  Who doesn't like a giant banana penis?!  A banenis.  AND the banana has boobs so it's like a transgender fruit and this blog is nothing if not trans positive, body positive, queer positive, jeezus positive and potassium-enriched yellow positive.  Then I was informed that the "boobs" were actually the caps that sit on dead people's eyes and I was all like "Awwww shit. Banenis boobs with zombie glasses!"  Instant win.  I like the freak in you Alycia.  Prepare yourself for the saucy bag of swag coming your way!

A seriously saucy thank you for everyone that submitted.  You made my year and let's face it, this year was pretty much headed straight into shitter.  Just for participating I'm going to send you all a box of three free unicorn wishes that I will dry hump HARD (with panties on because otherwise, ew.. weird.) and then drizzle with a bit of glitternaise.  [MS sidebar: note to self - omigawd!  Side business idea!]  

Now feel free to tell me your favorite in the comments!  I think it's pretty hard to top a banenis though...

You could win this saucy bag of swag!

Just a reminder that the deadline for the ModSauce Design and Styling Escapade Challenge of Amazing Awesomeness is today/Tuesday.  Or Wednesday morning.  I'm not really going to enforce a deadline on a fake competition but I do have to bring order to chaos.


To further entice you (and possibly to clean out some junk drawers) I've put together this saucy bag of swag with all the must-have items people will be fighting over this fall.  I know, right?!  I'm so generous!  Here's what you might win:

yeah, you want it

The big draw for this gift basket of unfathomable amazingness is the UPOPENED Howard Lederer Tells All DVD that will teach you how to win big at No Limit Hold Em.  I'm basically giving you the tools to become a millionaire and what other blogger is doing that besides all the other scheming bloggers trying to get you rich quick??!!  No one, that's who!!  Don't ask me how I came by this DVD...

Starting from the left we have a "pewter-esque" vase of some kind that would look stunning holding a single quill that you can use to caligraphy me a thank-you note for making you a millionaire.  Next to that is a shell animal of some kind playing the... drums?  I'm not really sure but he's famous now after being featured in last week's 4th of July competition AND he comes with his own sleeping bag courtesy of the Anthropologie gift-wrapping station last Christmas.  Behind him is a piece of log.  I don't know... it could be a coaster or you could bedazzle it or something...  I've also included a fine collection of stolen found travel size bottles of Malin + Goetz body products I recently acquired at a fine establishment in Louisville, KY.  The body wash might be emptier than the others...

All of this is sitting on top of a scrap of fabric that's pretty.  You can pet it - that's what I do sometimes because it's soft.  On top of the luxurious fabric sample is a Buffalo Bill magnet.  Use it to tack important things to your fridge like shopping lists and early drafts of ransom notes to Ryan Reynolds' family.  I believe dental hygiene is really important so I'm including some Oral-B Brush-Ups for those times when you really really want that extra large slushee but you know it coats your teeth in red sugar fuzz.  Or you could use it after you destroy that entire (miniature) bottle of Crown Royal next to it.  You could even put it in your slushee - I won't judge!  This is YOUR prize!  I'll also throw in some ModernSauce business cards to pass out to your friends.  I'm professional.  Just like Howard Ledererererer.

Over there at the end we have a partially used Benjamin Moore sample in Manchester Tan that could be a good neutral for you.  It washes me out.  To create ambiance I'm also including 5 rose-scented tea lights that you could burn while you admire the rest of your gifts and bask in the afterglow of your styling skillz.  Pat yourself on the back.  You deserve it.

Oh I think I hear the Oscars calling - I'm sure they want me to put together next year's gift baskets.  I have a talent for swag is what they say.

Update: I forgot to include some koozies from Cupboards!  You will most certainly get some of that Alabama swag as well.

The ModSauce Design Escapade: It's more fun than scurvy!

So the first annual ModSauce Design and Styling Challenge sponsored by the Pomoj was deemed a success!  We use "success" loosely around here...   People - and by people I mean readers so that could be any animal, mythological character or mineral type of non-people, whatever... we welcome all here - told me they did indeed want to join in the festivities so here's your chance!  

inspiration for you

Here's what you do: spend no more than 5 minutes - it's Friday and you're not doing anything anyway - making a small vignette with junk you have within reach.  We're doing this No Expectations style so just keep it ghetto.  Feel free to make it as normal or as absurd as you want; absurd is definitely more fun though.  I speak from experience.  A cocktail or two helps.  Let's show these magazine editorial stylists and designers that we have absolutely zero of their resources or skills but we make up for it in sheer awesomeness.  Unleash your creative beast!!!!  I think I'm going to change the name from 'Challenge' to 'Escapade' because 'challenge' sounds hard and I don't like to work but 'escapade' is way more fun just like the Janet Jackson video.


The 'secret ingredient' that everyone has to use is a piece of fruit.  Surely you all have some of that laying around and if not then you should be worried about scurvy or rickets or whatever thing you get if you don't eat fruit.  

here. Say no to scurvy but yes to silly design challenges.

And then once you have your masterpiece snap a picture using your shitty phone and email it to me at madamesunday [at] gmail [dot] com.  Feel free to add your own pretentious commentary or leave it up to me to narrate for you.  It'll be like Regretsy only you asked for it.  

Then I'll feature all the entries on the blog because you KNOW you want to be fake internet famous like me!  You're standing on the edge (the edge) The Edge (The Edge) THE EDGE (THE EDGE) THE EDGE!!!  I'm hanging on a moment with you.  It's near glory.   And fabulosity.


The winner will to be determined by ME and how many Pomojs (Pomojes?  Pomoi?) I've had to drink.  The most awesomest entry will receive a Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace because I love you so much.

Just kidding.  You'll win nothing but the prestige of knowing you're the best at a shitty made up game, probably a tweet or two and maybe even a secret present made my me that may or may not include glitter and a signed picture of my giant avatar just like the one I got when I was 7 and joined the Dolly Parton fan club.  Aren't you excited??!!!

So take a few minutes to let your creative juices flow.  You'll thank me because just a few minutes of pure unadulterated creativity will keep you saucy for hours afterwards.  You're welcome.  But if you don't feel like being creative and think this is dumb then here are some images to get your juices flowing in whatever direction that you want.  

via The Brick House

via Bathwater

The Samitaur Tower by Eric Owen Moss via The Contemporist

I'll take all of them please!!!

Keep it saucy this weekend and send me your pictures by oh... next Tuesday.  

And don't be gettin any ideas about sending me nasty pictures of you doing unspeakable things to fruit.  I'll make sure to post them on top of the blog with your name all over it so we can shame you.  Unless that's what you want and then I'll do the opposite and keep them in my special file where no one can see them but me, you bunch of nasty perverts.

There may not be enough Pomojesess in the world to disinfect my eyes from what you freaks might send me.  Surprise me!  

I better publish before I regret this...