A brief visual interlude. (dirty bit)

Sometimes I forget that there are rooms that make up a home other than a kitchen with all its damn garbage disposals and grout colors and other boring shit that I'm totally consumed with right now.  The designy part of my brain needs to have a weekend at a sweat lodge where I'm cleansed and then dance in a drum circle.   I need dirty and gritty and found-in-the-garbage-dump and vintage bohemia and hippies.

Aaahhh....

Ok maybe grown-up hippies live here but I'll take it.  I bet they still don't spend hours calculating the correct amount of lumens necessary for their kitchens.  

Note to self: do not climb those stairs after a box of wine.

Hippies sure know how to carve the shit out of some mountains to make a bathtub.

You thought antlers and taxidermied birds were edgy?  How about a motherfuckin ALLIGATOR?

I don't care what you say I'm putting a jar of feathers in the kitchen!

SHIT!  I totally forgot about window treatments!  Well, neighbors will just have to watch the renovation happen and then bask in the afterglow.  I don't have the brain capacity to care about window shades right now. (dirty bit)

I bet if you are in this space and you start talking about the CFM range for vent hoods a hippie will fly through a window and punch you in the lady balls.  

Yeah those are painted mattresses as art.  I bet you couldn't make that look good. 

Oh wait - we're getting to the badlands.  My eyes feel dusty just looking at this...

all images via inside inside

Damn, hippies.  You win.  I'll get back to my boring things. (dirty bit)

Public schools are failing our children OR How to set a kitchen budget Saucy Style.

In an effort to keep my promise to discuss every agonizing detail of my kitchen remodel I thought I'd start by talking about budgets since I think about mine 24/7.  People say the first step to starting a remodeling project is establishing a budget.  WRONG.  It's fantasizing!! 

lusting via Head Over Heels

But I already do that in spades so Step 1 is accomplished!  I'm already batting a thousand on this project.  Awesome.  Except when it comes to finding a contractor...


So after you daydream a lot about things you aren't going to get then you really do have to set a budget for your own little slice of heaven or hellhole.  I'd like to tell you that I did shit tons of research about budgets before I set my own but I did the opposite.  I did absolutely zero research and used a revolutionary concept called "I figured out what I could afford and what feels appropriate for my house and neighborhood."  I actually did more research compiling this blog post and even that was only during the commercials of a Law & Order: SVU marathon.


During those commercial breaks, most of what I found was condescending or so generic as to be a waste of a url.  Articles directed you to ask yourself a lot of really tough but insightful questions like how long are you planning on staying in your home?  Are you renovating to sell the property quickly?  What are your needs for the the space?  Are your goals realistic?  *eyeroll while stabbing self in face with fork*  This is not helpful in setting a budget.  These are vague questions nicely enumerated to fill an article with lots of buzz words but very little information - much like listening to Sarah Palin speak.  In ModSauce Ranch land, these questions are already answered and set the framework for every paint color, every project and every decision I make.  If you need someone to prompt you to think about those things then I'm not so sure you need to be owning a home in the first place or be allowed to dress yourself.  Are you being realistic?  That's like asking a liar if they're telling the truth - who the fuck knows?  Way to really enlighten homeowners about the process, you obtuse jackholes.   

Sigh... just a fantasy via automatismc

I think what most people are looking for is what comes AFTER these questions are answered. Remodelers probably want guidance for what is appropriate to spend for their area, their home value and their income which unfortunately can't be summed up by a generic and neatly packaged bar graph.  At least not one that I could find in the two pages I looked at in the Google search results.  Some articles go a step beyond pretty buzzwords and at least help you determine your Debt-To-Income ratio for you to see what you can afford by offering a complex formula that you need wizard magic to solve.  Wizard magic or tricky tricky multiplication...  Seems an acceptable DTI ratio is about 35-45%.  Mine is 30%.  Suck it.  It took me an entire episode of Law & Order to figure that out.  This number is just an easy indicator for someone else to evaluate your financial situation but you could also accomplish this by being aware of your monthly budget.  You know, the one that you should be pretty damn familiar with because that's where your grocery money and shoe allowance comes from.  The bank should confirm what you already know.  If you wait to see what the bank tells you what you can afford or are actually surprised at the rejection when you apply for a loan because you have too much debt then you have bigger problems than an ugly kitchen.  (This doesn't apply to people who live in big cities where the "rent is too damn high!" and sammiches cost $25.  I don't know how y'all survive - your  COL is the probably the highest in this galaxy and your DTI must average 107%.)

Apparently I'm still not done with the fantasizing part.  Gitte Kjaer via Desire to Inspire

Upon even further research after more commercial breaks it sadly seems most people have no idea how to set up a budget for themselves which I blame on stupid kids and their public education.  Being a product of a public education system of a state regularly ranked in the bottom 5 in the nation I can assure you our economics class consisted of Jerry Springer episodes, Mountain Dew breaks and finger football.  Good thing I was blessed with something called common sense.  In addition to an extra helping of fabulosity of course.  


Here's where I enumerate all the super smart things a Madame did (or highlight all the ways my education failed me):


Numero uno:  I established a rough spending cap to the fabulosity.  This is where things get fuzzy (read: drunk).  I interrogated neighbors and friends who have done remodels in the area and kept a loose eye on home sales.  Possibly peeped in some windows but whatever... they didn't see me so it doesn't count.  I then just arbitrarily picked a percentage for what I felt comfortable paying for a kitchen as it compared to what I paid for my house. Not the appraisal value but the value of my original mortgage - I don't bank on fake numbers and I certainly don't do it after the housing crisis.  So that number was 18-20%.  I'm a rather conservative madame.  Only when it comes to finances of course!  *wink*  Somehow a quarter of my home's value invested in one room (not taking into account the future higher appraisal rate of course) seems excessive.  If the Ranch was perfect (it is in spirit) except for the kitchen then that number might have been higher but I doubt it.  Other shit - hello roof, windows, bathrooms, real furniture, gift wrapping room, nail salon, etc - needs to get done in the near future and I can't have my resources maxed out.  Nor would any respectable Madame want to be maxed out in any regard.  Except when it comes to glitter and snark.  Half of the remodel would be paid from my special kitchen savings fund collected after I sold some of my eggs, half from a loan and half from selling crafts made from Charlemagne's hairballs, Rit Dye and sequins.  


My "research" shows me that national averages for a low end kitchen remodel are $22,000 and a mid to high end remodel can be anywhere from $40,000 to $80,000.  I'm definitely at the low end or below because I aspire to one day be lower middle class.  However, these figures are pretty meaningless to me because I have no idea the value of the houses these kitchens are in or where they are located.  Living in the South has its benefits such as a steady supply of biscuits and gravy, redneck charm and a cost of living that is ridonkulously cheaper than anywhere else in the country.  None of those numbers seem appropriate for my own little piece of the ghetto.  Especially when I learn that the low end remodel usually consists of just refacing the cabinets and putting in new vinyl floors and laminate counters.  That is not inspiring considering I have to completely gut my kitchen.  Despite my ass-kicking DTI ratio I feel permanently broke so I need this project to be less than the low end number and preferably a lot closer to $458.79 (my eggs weren't top of the market apparently) which is my real budget.  There weren't any bar charts on the internet that included that number.  Or ones that showed how to pay in biscuits and gravy.

via digsdigs

Thing 2: Next, I made a fake budget.  This is also known as a 'working' budget or just a spreadsheet that I still change all the time depending on what pretty tile I find.  Before I found a contractor or made the material selections I had no idea what any of this stuff would cost so I faked it.  I guessed at how much labor and installation would be, roughed in some cabinets prices based on previous plans and then pretend-shopped for everything I would need making sure to account for overages and extra bottles of wine I'd probably be imbibing during the process.  I might have thrown in a few pairs of shoes for good measure.  Because I'm a genius that number was pretty damn close to my 18-20% number.  My estimates were further confirmed by the final cabinet plan and contractor bids I received so I may be cheap but I'm not unreasonable.  Guesstimation was a skill I excelled in during school because I hate studying so in that regard public education served me well.  Or maybe it was my laziness paying off rather than the school system...

Lili Diallo via If the Lampshade Fits

Step C:  Against the advice of probably everyone in the world I adjust my budget all the time. It's still changing today.  My end number is relatively the same but shit happens so even though I have a safety net if I go over budget based on unforeseen circumstances - like we discover a band of goblins living in my crawlspace - I'm not too worried.  Except if they've placed a curse on the house because then I'm fucked.  If I was building a giant addition (like the future nail salon) I might be a little more strict about numbers and vigilant of possible goblin happenings. 
But this project is small and a few hundred dollars here or there isn't a dealbreaker for my budget and especially not over the years this kitchen will be in use.  Nothing in this project seems to be a fixed number anyway until I actually hand over one of my fat checks with the teddy bears on it.  Sometimes I find myself just staring at the spreadsheet like I'm trying to unlock the secret Code of Excel thereby saving me thousands of dollars.  But it never happens.  Everything is a big tangled orgy of changing decisions and ebay availability.  I make a decision in one area and it changes another - I save $200 here and omigod now I can afford that sink I wanted rather than having to use that bucket!  

via House and Home

So the good thing is I can afford a real sink right now and the rest of the budget is on point and still under my spending cap.  People say that remodeling your kitchen can only help the value of your home but they haven't seen a lot of the shitty kitchens I have.  My kitchen can only be improved upon so although I can only gain value it is NOT true for everyone.  Sucks to be you, people with shitty taste.  Turns out the national average for the ROI is only about 70% for kitchens.  What say you about that HGTV??   I'm just going to go ahead and guesstimate my ROI will be about 153%.  My guesstimations haven't been wrong so far so there's no way I could be off on that.  


Unless there's a goblin curse involved.

This makes me exceedingly happy.

via Behance

Almost like what the living room of ModSauce Ranch felt like in the early days...  

Denial is a river of moody blues and emerald waters...

I like to think that I'm an open-minded Madame and use this blog to discuss a variety of thought-provoking and culturally significant topics like cheese and haircuts and design trends.  In reality though, it's all just to promote my own personal agenda.  Sometimes that agenda is, in fact, cheese and haircuts.  But today I'm totally going to abandon my agenda to talk about one such culturally significant topic like a color movement I'm witnessing that is in no way related to what I personally like.  

Apartment Therapy

It's about jewel tones.

And feathers.

Things Organized Neatly via Head Over Heels

Ok not the feathers (this time) but I just happen to think their colors are important.  Like, for the world.  They could bring peace to Egypt I think.  Just like these:

Yuuuuuum.  For you. via Studio Toogood

The future of color right there.

But I'm not showcasing these shades because I've had the below image on my personal inspiration board for the last 2 years.

Possibly from C magazine...  ??

Or that I want to eat every meal for the rest of my life in this room

via Head Over Heels

It's because I'm an impartial journalist of color and design.  Only the facts, y'all.

via Studio Toogood

dishes via elephant ceramics

Just like how my birthstone is sapphire which is soooo opposite this dreamy Lapis ring.

Billy Bride Jewelry found via Head Over Heels

via House and Home

Lawd knows I hate some beautifully dramatic interiors - I'm just doing this to show you what's hot  so you can impress your friends with your infinite knowledge of rooms you'll never visit.

Solid Frog

I'm thinking these deep blues are starting to get a little more cobalt.

via Busy Being Fabulous

And definitely work well with some other bright colors.  Not like I would care or anything...

New Zealand mushroom via oddee

I hate mushrooms so it's safe to say this heart-exploding cuteness was completely for you and to show I'm a fair and balanced reporter. 

via Solid Frog

via The Flavor

I assure you I did NOT squee when I saw that vintage magazine cover.

the Paul Smith store via Just Above Sunset

Uh oh, let's steer away from the Honeysuckit.  We've already had our fill of this year.  Apparently House Beautiful didn't get the message since the March issue came in the mail today and it's all about the "power of pink."  And so it has begun...

photography by Jed Root

That's better.  Indigo on roller blades.

Let's bring it on home...

Ann Sacks Aura tile

via Eye Spy

via Full House

I'm sure these shades of emerald are in no way related to my deep and undying love for this masterpiece.

I'm not joking.  I adore this movie.

And certainly not Romancing the Stone either...  

Vogue UK via Fashion Gone Rogue

Rydeng's blog

Studio Toogood via What Makes Us Blog

Or the fact that my previous avatar background was deep green because I look awesome in that color since it matches my piercing eyes.  Up until the age of about 15 I wanted to go to college at Notre Dame soley because I would look good in their colors.  Until I learned they don't have biscuits and gravy up there.  I can't live in a state where that doesn't exist within 5 minutes of any place I might be.

Gravy aside (it's always good on the side), I'm thinking this Spring will have a lot of citron and chartreuse that are completely not the shade of Charlemagne's eyes nor the new shade of her avatar.

via myles henry blog

two from Studio Toogood

Include in this year's hotness yellowed ochre which is no where near similar to my living room wall color.

Jed Root

And it's all definitely, DEFINITELY, unrelated to how much I like jazzy tutus and big hair.

Extreme Makeover: Saucy Edition (spoiler alert: it's not extreme)

I got a haircut.

And a makeover. 


Yeah, it's purple eyeshadow.  I make it look hot.  And I just can't seem to give up the pearls.  I feel positively naked without them!  If there was a way to surgically implant my bump-it and weave then I'd do it.  Until then it's just me, a couple of empty coke cans to roll my hair on and a can of hairspray every day.   I'm practical like that.


Even Charlemagne got in on the action

Meow.