I support gay marriage by boycotting shitty outdoor furniture.

So now that we're all properly filled with jealous shame rage inspired by last post's patio roundup, let's focus on my own little concrete slab of mediocrity.

Ok well I forgot to get a picture of it for you because I've been busy controlling my rage over Perfect Patio People.  But I can tell you it's a completely covered patio that's about 8 feet wide and a jizzillion feet long.  You can kinda get an idea of the space here during my kitchen party except in real life there's usually nothing there.

It's sad.  Rull sad. 

What's even sadder is the the thought of spending $1000 on an outdoor sofa when my upholstered one in my living room cost way less.  Nevermind the fact that all outdoor furniture comes in matching families that you can't even break up and then are forced to spend even more on shit that you don't really like in the first place.  

Guess what, manufacturers?  Not every person likes plastic rattan and families come in all different forms, assholes.  Obviously the outdoor furniture industry is a front for "traditional family values" and I refuse to support that bunch of bullshit.

Besides, I don't have that kind of money on plastic families of any description and don't even want to spend that kind of money on outdoor furniture on principle - it feels like a ripoff (and the whole conservative agenda thing).  I've been perfectly happy to sit on my soapbox on my patio up until now.

MY agenda has been to scour the tri-state area's best thrift stores and junk palaces to create my own mismatched family of misfits and spend about $500 which will turn into $700 (ok 750).  I'm ridonkulously cheap so typing that number makes my lady balls sweat but if I saw someone on HGTV say that was their budget I'd probably laugh at their ignorance.  But I'm ignorantly confident it can be done.  We all have to make some sacrifices though.  No diamond birdbath for you, Charlemagne.

So here's what the patio of the Ranch will somewhat resemble in just a few short weeks:

Click to make bigger if you so desire.

You're all invited for virtual wine and debauchery!  Let's break it down:

1. Yes, my house is mint green.  Deal with it.  Thank gawd mint is having a season right now which doesn't make this look quite as fucked up as it would have two years ago.  I am not a mint fan unless it comes in a mojito.

2. I have already bought a bench that looks almost identical to this picture.  It's 72 inches of warm teak wood and the best dollar-to-ass ratio I could find.  At $200 it seats more people than those flimsy and ubiquitous loveseats.  (I got it at Southeastern Salvage for all you local people.)  It does need cushions to protect my guests' tender backsides (and for Charlemagne naps) but I'll still come out cheaper.  High five to me!

3. Some things I got for free which is kinda like cheating my budget but you'd do the same thing.  The rug pictured isn't my exact rug but it's really close and someone gave it to me so therefore I must use it.  I've also got my eye on a coffee table that's similar to the one pictured that will also be free if I can work some magic.  Or I'll steal it.  We'll call it a crime of patio passion.

4.I picked up some ghetto planters from a juuunk store recently for a song and a bat of my eyelashes (which is equal to roughly $10).  I think I want to go back and get more because there's something about some brass planters that probably had a plastic tree in it and lived in a bank for 25 years really touches my heart.  I have a smattering of black and grey planters too.  No idea what kind of plants I can put onto a covered patio that gets only indirect sunlight but that's where you people come in: any ideas on shade-only plants you are contractually obligated to tell me.  It's in the blog by laws.  

So the main pieces are falling into place: mint house, grey concrete, teak bench, brown and white rug, shiny brass things and black things.  See some of the real items here.

I typed a lot since you saw it last. Here it is again.

On the list of things I need to purchase is accent seating.  I like the IKEA Vago chairs but they are rather large if I remember and will most likely be out of stock by the time I get around to making a purchase because making a mood board is not like Jumanji - your items don't just fall into the next room along with a stampede of elephants.  

I'm on the hunt for pillows and am rather partial to that floral set up there.  They are feeding my desire for ugly '90s floral right now.  You know what would look really good with '90s florals?  Motherfuckin hunter green, y'all.  Maybe even spruce green.  Yeah, I said it - spruce.  It's gonna look hot next to the mint - don't even trip.  Someone on twitter suggested marigold which at first made me feel yucky on the inside but then I put a yellow pillow up there and I squeed my panties a bit.  It really makes the brass sing extra loudly which is really the only way brass should be allowed to sing.

I also need to get cafe string lights because YOU CANNOT HAVE A PATIO WITHOUT CAFE LIGHTS RIGHT NOW.  Otherwise Pinterest will explode!  

I'll finish everything off with some wicker side tables maybe painted white or MOTHERFUCKIN HUNTER GREEN, maybe some basket-y things and a capiz shell something for "global" (barf) charm, a hammock for napping and some candles.  Fucking candles everywhere.  Backyard oasis of wine and debauchery and alter sacrifices.

Of course I won't forget the giant painting of a butterfly or a seashell. No outdoor space is complete without a 2D representation of the space you're presently occupying.

It's also not complete with a brass bucket full of my new favorite cocktail: boxed red wine mixed with Sprite.  

AND CAFE STRING LIGHTS.

Don't forget to put your favorite shade plants in the comments. And any other comments and suggestions about what to do - all I'm going on is a wing, a prayer and a can of spray paint.

And a large mason jar filled with wine/Sprite.

Thank gawd y'all are as weird as me! The Design Challenge Escapade winner is...

Squee!  The results are in from the First Annual (or whenever I want to have another one) ModSauce Design and Styling Challenge Escapade inspired by drunken Fourth of July playtime here at the Ranch. (Update: to refresh your memory or for new readers, the challenge was to take a common item - a piece of fruit - and "style" it like fancy people in magazines.  Except we're not fancy - we're crazy and have shitty cell phone cameras and houses full of weird junk.) I feel so inspired now to be the first street artist of merchandising - like Banksy and Martha Stewart had a saucy love child.  

Without further ado, here are all of your submitted entries of amazing awesomeness:

"Peter Piper Packed a Pretty Perky Pecker" submitted by Franco

A stunning submission indeed!  To quote the artist, this piece "features three types of peppers, Mexican wagon wheel snacks called duros, a ceramic bowl, and a lovely crochet doily hand-made by my grandmother. A mix of old world implements and geometric motifs come to life in shades of greens and orange against against the delicate white gossamer tendrils of the doily atop a stark wooden table. Also, I like peppers. The end. PECKER! PECKER! PECKER!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.  But are you sure you're not just trying to tell me your grandmother is hot?!  

And speaking of peckers...

"Come towel" submitted by D.

Ahhh... a delightful ode to summer.  Dynamic stripes are as bold as this scene's intent.  After noticing the copy of Men's Health with Bill Compton on the cover, one sees the towel is not so much a a wel-COME-ing sight as it is more likely for the happy ending just a few minutes away...  Is the watermelon for before or after??  

From fitness expert and cat voyeur, Alexandra Williams (@alexandrafunfit) of Fun and Fit

Speaking of other naughtiness, Mrs. A wrote: "Caught Ella making naughty with the fruit again! But at least she uses expensive soap for her personal hygiene!"  It must be the summer heat brings out the freak in us animals because that is definitely a guilty look on her face.  Make your own 'kitty cat' and a 'hot box' jokes - I'm way too classy for that. 

"My New Reality at 49: Breakfast"  by Ginny Powell (@GinnyPowell) from A Cracked Door

The body is a temple.  Or at least the amount of money we spend stuffing it with supplements could build one.  Or an apple a day and blah, blah, blah take another vitamin...   The appearance of the Life of an Architect mug in the background is just in case you need someone to build your temple I guess.

"I call this hump day" submitted by K.

I call it delicious.  Yes, maraschino cherries ARE a fruit just like how candy corn is a real vegetable.  I like the industrial black and white linear starkness of the air conditioner in contrast with the hippie paraphernalia; dueling personalities coexisting with a bold triangle of red at its heart.  I get a waft of patchouli, plastic-smelling frigid air, the sweet tang of candied fruit and personal journey.  I want to go reread Eat, Pray, Love right now.  Thanks for making me feel again, K.

"Goat with Key Limes and Avocado" by susie q (@susieeyeq) of Eye Spy

Susie said she channeled her "inner Hemingway and wanna-be Picasso to create my badass masterpiece."  I just want that goat to channel some guacamole into my stomach right now.  I like the spicy use of color and rustic tropical quality.  And nothing says authenticity like Ace Hardware.  That wasn't a joke - I love Ace Hardware and Susie wins points just for shopping there too.  Also extra points for the goat. 

"Plums & Cat Pot Faerie" by Slade Roberson (@sladeroberson) from Shift Your Spirits

The intense perspective brings you up close and personal with that cheeky little kitteh.  So ethereal - like a mystical window jungle for pussies in pots.  However, you lose points for spelling fairy like "faerie" because this is America, gawddamit, and I don't want your foreign British influence all up in this hizzy.  Teaparty, remember????!!!

Continuing with the mythical creatures theme is:

"A Centerpiece of Heaven" by Tammy J. Dalton (@tammyjdalton) of Tamara Dalton Design Studios

A wizard and a dragon battle for the rightful owner of Mangoshire at the center of this work table going unnoticed by the daily business of life around them.  That's pretty hard considering it's on a delightfully summery honeysuckit pink and neon orange tablecloth!  The life and death struggle hiding in plain site in front of the desensitized drones of our current world... tsk, tsk, tsk.   'Embrace your madness,' says the bottlecap, but I think that wizard and dragon just need to embrace.  They're both screaming 'NOTICE ME!  LOVE ME!' as we all are in our invisible battles every day.  *sob, sob, sob*

Extra points to Tammy for bringing the nerdiness.

"Me in a Nutshell" by Paul Anater (@Paul_Anater) of Kitchen and Residential Design

I'm going to let Paul tell you about this: "Let me explain what you see here. Starting in the back, the first item on the left is the Gold Bond powder I rely on to get through the summer in a hot climate. Next to it is a bottle of multi-vitamins because Madame Sunday told me to keep an eye on my vitamin D levels. [MS Sidebar: I did.  It's important, y'all.]  Next to the bottle of vitamins is a bottle of Mario Badescu enzymatic cleanser. That stuff erases the fact that I'm middle-aged. Really.

The level in front features an architect's rule because you never know when you going to have to scale a drawing. It's resting atop a peach. I like peaches almost as much I like mangoes. The peach is sitting in a demitasse and saucer set from my full service for eight in the 1950s era pattern Mediteranee from Mikasa. Next to my demitasse is a business card hawking my website and a deck of cards from the Venetian in Las Vegas. To the left of the demitasse is a tin of licorice pastilles I bought in Rome because I'm classy. In the foreground is a vintage netsuke that shows a dog having marital relations with a rabbit. That shows I'm classy too."

Marital relations...  *giggle*

I'm basically peeing in delight at the awesomeness of my readers.  But this next one is a real stunner and is my runner up (and will win a surprise present as soon as I find some more shit around my house to pack up): 

"The suffering" by Bri (@meyouandaweiner) of Me, you and a weiner

Bri takes my "let's keep it shitty" rules and, in true weiner style (and, I guess, MS style), gives it the middle finger and produces this stunning display of Kelly Wearstleressness.  It's exactly how I imagine K Dubs genitalia to look like: organic, brassy, gorgeously glam with a bedazzled butt plug, a complimentary color palette and a monkey that is either trying to escape or hang itself from a chain.  A suffering of blueberry, Hermez o-range and sparkle.  Well done, Bri.  Bonus points for shear fucking awesomeness but you lose points for being too fucking awesome.  Don't you know this is a blog of mediocrity?!

So the winner for me IS....

"untitled" by Alycia Wicker (@alyciawicker) of  E-decorating

This one just speaks to me.  Hello Kitty toys, Jeebus in an ashtray that says "Jesus hates it when you smoke" (except when you're burning in hell, of course) sitting next to a camera because he is ALWAYS WATCHING YOU like a soul stalker and a giant banana phallus proudly dominating this arrangment.  Who doesn't like a giant banana penis?!  A banenis.  AND the banana has boobs so it's like a transgender fruit and this blog is nothing if not trans positive, body positive, queer positive, jeezus positive and potassium-enriched yellow positive.  Then I was informed that the "boobs" were actually the caps that sit on dead people's eyes and I was all like "Awwww shit. Banenis boobs with zombie glasses!"  Instant win.  I like the freak in you Alycia.  Prepare yourself for the saucy bag of swag coming your way!

A seriously saucy thank you for everyone that submitted.  You made my year and let's face it, this year was pretty much headed straight into shitter.  Just for participating I'm going to send you all a box of three free unicorn wishes that I will dry hump HARD (with panties on because otherwise, ew.. weird.) and then drizzle with a bit of glitternaise.  [MS sidebar: note to self - omigawd!  Side business idea!]  

Now feel free to tell me your favorite in the comments!  I think it's pretty hard to top a banenis though...

The ModSauce Design Escapade: It's more fun than scurvy!

So the first annual ModSauce Design and Styling Challenge sponsored by the Pomoj was deemed a success!  We use "success" loosely around here...   People - and by people I mean readers so that could be any animal, mythological character or mineral type of non-people, whatever... we welcome all here - told me they did indeed want to join in the festivities so here's your chance!  

inspiration for you

Here's what you do: spend no more than 5 minutes - it's Friday and you're not doing anything anyway - making a small vignette with junk you have within reach.  We're doing this No Expectations style so just keep it ghetto.  Feel free to make it as normal or as absurd as you want; absurd is definitely more fun though.  I speak from experience.  A cocktail or two helps.  Let's show these magazine editorial stylists and designers that we have absolutely zero of their resources or skills but we make up for it in sheer awesomeness.  Unleash your creative beast!!!!  I think I'm going to change the name from 'Challenge' to 'Escapade' because 'challenge' sounds hard and I don't like to work but 'escapade' is way more fun just like the Janet Jackson video.


The 'secret ingredient' that everyone has to use is a piece of fruit.  Surely you all have some of that laying around and if not then you should be worried about scurvy or rickets or whatever thing you get if you don't eat fruit.  

here. Say no to scurvy but yes to silly design challenges.

And then once you have your masterpiece snap a picture using your shitty phone and email it to me at madamesunday [at] gmail [dot] com.  Feel free to add your own pretentious commentary or leave it up to me to narrate for you.  It'll be like Regretsy only you asked for it.  

Then I'll feature all the entries on the blog because you KNOW you want to be fake internet famous like me!  You're standing on the edge (the edge) The Edge (The Edge) THE EDGE (THE EDGE) THE EDGE!!!  I'm hanging on a moment with you.  It's near glory.   And fabulosity.


The winner will to be determined by ME and how many Pomojs (Pomojes?  Pomoi?) I've had to drink.  The most awesomest entry will receive a Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace because I love you so much.

Just kidding.  You'll win nothing but the prestige of knowing you're the best at a shitty made up game, probably a tweet or two and maybe even a secret present made my me that may or may not include glitter and a signed picture of my giant avatar just like the one I got when I was 7 and joined the Dolly Parton fan club.  Aren't you excited??!!!

So take a few minutes to let your creative juices flow.  You'll thank me because just a few minutes of pure unadulterated creativity will keep you saucy for hours afterwards.  You're welcome.  But if you don't feel like being creative and think this is dumb then here are some images to get your juices flowing in whatever direction that you want.  

via The Brick House

via Bathwater

The Samitaur Tower by Eric Owen Moss via The Contemporist

I'll take all of them please!!!

Keep it saucy this weekend and send me your pictures by oh... next Tuesday.  

And don't be gettin any ideas about sending me nasty pictures of you doing unspeakable things to fruit.  I'll make sure to post them on top of the blog with your name all over it so we can shame you.  Unless that's what you want and then I'll do the opposite and keep them in my special file where no one can see them but me, you bunch of nasty perverts.

There may not be enough Pomojesess in the world to disinfect my eyes from what you freaks might send me.  Surprise me!  

I better publish before I regret this...

Texas. It's the answer for everything. Except ninjas.

While in Louisville for the GE Monogram trip recently, we stayed at the 21c Hotel and Art Megaplex.  That's its full name.  Art was featured throughout the hotel and in the guest rooms and one particular piece caught my eye as I was stashing all the shampoo samples in my bag:

Well, hey there cowboy!  It's rustic AND glam?!  I love it.  I think this smells like sweat, leather and sparkle.  If you're wondering, sparkle smells like an angel shit glitter and then rolled it in a field of flowers that blossom new car smell.  This image was on a postcard in my room telling me to not steal the mint julep cups or something.  So I stole the card.

When I got home I had to do a little internet stalking.  The artist is Javier Pinon and he does dangerously squeeworthy things with some scissors and glue.  It's like I hit the motherload of all things I love. 

In addition to the whole kitschy collage angle there are SNAKES!  Y'all know I be lovin some snakes for some odd reason that I'm not even sure why.

AND there are vintage pinups.  Squee!  Javier, you are a dude with some scissors aimed straight towards a Madame's heart.  Wait - that didn't come out right...  

I wish I had a wig like that.  I'm already imagining my next Halloween costume.  I'll be Medusa circa 1965.  My fake eyelashes and kaftan haven't seen the light of day in a few years and are begging to get out!

Corral them snakes, girl, and get your duckface on because we're about to have a wardrobe 'malfunction.'  *wink, wink*

Maybe I could find two other willing participants and we could go as a group Halloween costume!

But wait - there's more!  And it's furniture related.  Even better!

Is he riding a chair twister?!  Yippee ki yay motherfuckers!  

I wish it would rain tacky furniture at my house.  But I would at least have the good sense to get out of the way.  Idiot.

If storms of ugly furniture and twisters aren't enough for you how about this?

Every cowgirl for herself!  I love this.  It's like I'm drowning in kitsch and honestly, if you're going to die by kitsch that's really the only way to go.

More from the Chandelier series:

If you really want to make an entrance I suggest chandelier swinging.  I find this to be a much more attention-grabbing way of transport than just plain old walking.  I don't know if you'll make it to Amarillo by morning but you can certainly try.  I would try damn hard if I thought George Strait would be there. 

Eight seconds, cowboy.

Ooohh with that sexy black background I think he's really getting into it...  So am I.  Check out plenty more here.

Maybe it's my Texan heritage that makes me like cowboys and snakes so much.  Actually, that also explains my white trash love for kitsch too...  Saying you're from "Texas" pretty much explains everything about everything.  It explains why I'm drawn to high heels, chandeliers, trailers, cheap booze, country music from the 80s and ninjas.  

Ok maybe not ninjas. 

Unless there is a secret sect of cowboy ninjas...  who ride CHANDELIERS!  

Now THAT'S what I'm going to be for Halloween!

Vamptastic, Prosticute and full of Fabulosity.

In honor of the True Blood season finale last night and because I need to get a life I'm hilariously fun and inspired by really dumb shit I fake decorated some rooms.  I'm not really sure why this fake edecorating phenomenon hasn't caught on because the pay is rindonkulously good and there's no budget or bitchy clients telling you what to do.  Also you get to waste a lot of time at your real job doing it so it's a win on all fronts.  First up:

Bad Things by Modernsauce on Polyvore.com

Nothing says vamp chic like a decaying old antebellum house filled with fine Southern furniture. First, to hide your nocturnal activities you’ll need a comfortable settee in a dark stain-minimizing color and blackout curtains. A delicate slipcovered chair and feminine pillow say to your lady friend that you care deeply about her sensibilities right before you feed on her and deflower her on the rug in front of the fireplace underneath the picture of your dead wife from the 19th century. It’s sweet really. First though you should put her at ease by playing a friendly game of Wii Gold and drinking some Tru Blood which is the vamp equivalent of poppin one off before a date. Try to hide the stack of files from where you are researching her family history though. Nothing kills the mood faster than learning your fairy ‘gina is the object of an investigation. That or cracking your head on that fabulous reclaimed wood coffee table.

 

ring ring hooker by Modernsauce on Polyvore.com

However gentlemanly the previous room is, I much prefer a more relaxed environment like this one that positively screams 'sex on a stick.'  Straight up trampy, tacky and prosticute this hooker knows how to throw together a room like any true drug-dealing, gay whore son-of-a-psycho-witch that can cook up a mean hamburger with AIDS. Mmmhhh tangy. The room is an eclectic mix of voodoo dolls, found vintage furniture, religious shrines, shirtless werewolves and your laptap/webcam for another kind of nocturnal activity.  And nothing says Modern Whorish Revival like the always classy Fiorentino floor lamp.   You may have found that couch on the side of the road on the way back from your trick's house but you know where to spend the real money.  Including the Room & Board dresser because that's just a good quality piece of furniture.  You didn't get that fancy car you drive by being a dummy when it comes to purchases. 


I was going to design a wicked sex dungeon too but it pretty much just consisted of a dark basement, lots of chains, a stripper pole and a throne fit for a Viking warrior.  Also, I bet all you freaks have already "decorated" one in anyway.

For K!  And special thanks to @Paul_Anater and @SaxonHenry for their overwhelming knowledge of Whorish Revival.