Thursday, December 24, 2009

Stuff that in my stocking*

Dear Santa - I know it's kinda late but as you've been peeping on me all year you know that 1)I'm a procrastinator and 2) I haven't kicked any kittens.  And you're magic so if we're in agreement that you exist period then we can definitely agree that you possess the magic to get me everything on my list below within 24 hours. You also magically see from your north pole handicam that I've been good ALL year (see aforementioned kittens) if you consider good NOT throwing up on your friends' furniture after getting shitfaced.  Your welcome bitches.  I even gave a bunch of change to those annoying-as-hell salvation army people ringing those ear-raping bells.  I hope you noticed the gigantic amount of coins that I tried to stuff in that little tiny canister that kept falling out because the hole was too small* while the volunteer just stood there ringing his fucking bell and watching me chase after dozens, DOZENS I TELL YOU, of dollars in coins go rolling all over the parking lot in my haste to deposit as much good will and cheer to people in need.  I'm pretty sure you're going straight to hell you dumbass holier-than-thou volunteer for being a selfish prick and not "volunteering" to get on your knees for that money** because everyone knows that Santa is totally down with Jesus. 

Oh shit.  Jesus I have some explaining to do.  We'll talk later.

Back to the dude in the red suit - here's what I want to be deposited under my tree this year.

1. Anything on this list.  And after watching Julie and Julia I MUST have a stunning rainbow collection of Le Creuset. 

Yes that makes me happy too Julia!  Squeeeeeee!

Actually this leads me to...

2. How about being awesome enough to turn a blog into a million dollar book deal and inspire tons of people??  Drew Barrymore can TOTALLY play me in the movie. 

I'm FAAAAABULOUS. Let's blog.

If that's not working for you Santa how about...

3. The balls, talent or 6-figure income of any of these talented people.  I'll take one of those neck warmers to. Also...

4. Please make Susan Sarandon and Andy Dufresne get back together!!!!  I think I'm more upset about this breakup than my parents divorce so like every Christmas movie from the 80's I want to be a family again!!!  I feel lost in this strange world!!

5. The style and panache to create beautiful table settings like this.  Wait - what am I saying?  Of course Madame Sunday has the style and panache to pull that off.  What I'm really in need of is the MOTIVATION to get off my ass to do it.  Or the occasion.  Or the kind of friends who don't talk with their mouths full and enjoy more than just a fish filet.  Oh wait - I think I'm talking about me...  But next time I see old house numbers like those I will knock a bitch over at the flea market to make them mine.

6.The release of Gucci Mane from jail. Just another example of the Man trying to bring down an honest brotha oh wait... he may have been involved in hiding a dead body (ALLEGEDLY - thanks Kathy Griffin) behind a middle school??  um best of luck to you Gucci Mane!

Madame Sunday you're a 5 star chick.

 7. In a related want - I definitely need more swagger. Not the personality kind because I'm dripping with charm and sex appeal but more the diamond kind. And fancy clothes kind.

8. Also swagger for my house. A 50 inch plasma tv to be exact. Right above my fireplace to fully appreciate artistic cinema such as Tough Love 2 and Hoarders.

9. Tulip table.  Still waiting Santa - get your shit together.  Bring those candlesticks while you're at it.

from here

*That's what she said!  (I didn't want to go there but it was too easy.)

**This stuff just writes itself.

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