My brain doesn't like all this post-kitchen free time. It'll only lead to trouble... with ninjas.

Now that my kitchen is done, I can't remember what blogging was like before I spent my entire existence having nightmares about being molested by a guy eating potted meat sammiches and writing about picking out garbage disposals.  I know you'll miss those days too.  


Right now I'm kinda rudderless in the giant see of interweb fabulosity.  Honey badger don't care.  So here's a potpourri of inspirational thingies courtesy of Simply Pi to spur me in a new direction to obsess over.  Obsess in a totally healthy way of course...

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I could spend some serious time in here obsessing about shit.  

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I would like to eat lunch on that little overhang of awesomeness but I'm pretending not to notice the photoshopping in the grass because I think we know what I would like to do to lazy sonsabitches graphic designers...

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 Wheeeee!

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I should probably know what all of these are but I don't so you can follow the caption links to investigate.  I DO know that is the most awesome fire escape/wheelchair ramp/3d maze of death I've ever seen.

Spider by Alexander Calder here

Ok technically the kitchen isn't 110% done because I'm still trying to decide whether or not the 1200 cans of diced tomatoes need to go on the second shelf or the first shelf in the pantry.  I spend a lot of time obsessing about this actually.  Also, I need to quit fucking buying cans of diced tomatoes.  Seriously.  It's like looking at the Extreme Couponing stockpile hoard except I paid full price for this stuff because omigawd what if I don't have diced tomatoes at home?!  I better stock up NOW!

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Where I wish all of my book club reading super cool hipster poetry reading would take place.  After I kick those dam pillows out of the way...

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I would fight a Honey Badger for that chair.

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I'll add it to my collection of pointless round things.  I'm pretty sure you can't actually make a rudder out of roundness but I would make a healthy attempt.

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I would find a way to trip and kill myself on those stairs but I'd enjoy every bone snap on the way down.

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Um... those are throwing star magnets and quite possibly the most awesomest thing I've ever seen.  I might have found my rudder.  And it'll cut a bitch.

"How many exclamation points are allowed in a post title?" otherwise known as "I HAVE A KITCHEN OF AMAZING AWESOMENESS"

I don't even have a witty or relevant opening paragraph to this post so just LOOK AT IT!!!!!

I'm a photography idiot so just enlarge for maximum awesomeness.

Before we squee ourselves out too early here's some never-before-seen pictures from when I first moved in!  Take a big swig of wine, bless yourself with a dusting of glitter and spritz of Febreze laced with Candice Olson pheromones and brace yourself.

For all that is holy and full of bacon, THAT SCALLOP!!  *shudders*  I can't even remember why I bought this place...

It certainly wasn't the stove because it was the filthiest thing I'd ever seen (or smelled).  We drug it out to the back patio and put it out of its misery.  The smoky glass corner shelf was a nice touch though.

And then this was the day of demo just a few short weeks ago.  Ahh memories.  Looks worse than the pics above but in person it was actually better.  Well, it smelled better and your eyes didn't have grease stains.  

Mostly...

But back to present day fabulosity:

Night pics = drama.  Also, I was busy and shit during the day.  Counters not really yellow either but see note about photo idiocracy above.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm really happy.  Sometimes I'll just be walking down the hall and see the kitchen and be like "DAMN!  How'd that sexy kitchen get in here?" and bask in some awesomeness for a second or two and then keep walking.  It's energizing.  Kitchen is the new crack.  Or meth depending on what part of the country you're from.

Charlemagne is slightly pissed that her food bowl has been moved twice in two months.  Apparently she doesn't appreciate Kitchen and the floors as much as the rest of us.  Get some design sense, already!!!

And speaking of the floors:

This is the corner of Kitchen looking in as you're standing at the entrance to the hellgate.  The way all that lines up makes me tingly.

Have you hugged a kitchen designer today?  Nick I love the cabinets on this entire wall - you did awesome.

Because I've run out of kidneys and eggs to sell for money most of my appliances are remaining.  Honestly I don't hate Mr. White Stove since there's so much white in here so until science figures out a way for me to spontaneously grow new body parts for the black market he'll just have to make nice with Mr. Sexy Hood.  In related stove news, not having an actual countertop on either side of it for such a long time makes this setup feel like I'm living in some kind of fantasy castle of luxury where I cook in a mink stole and can set bowls down on my left AND right!  Thus far I'm loving the wood (that's what she said) and can't imagine stone or a quartz in this space at all.  Currently it has about 4 applications of IKE-RA's own butcher block oil on it which surprisingly doesn't look like oil but instead looks like buttermilk.  Trying pouring that on your counters...  Weird.  

I think we just talked about birds (ahem...) but these were a Christmas present and I still like them so DON'T JUDGE ME!  But look: tile!!!  It's warm, it's cool and sometimes I like to pet it when no one is looking.  

Well hello Eva Zeisel dishes!  We'll talk about you more one day in the future but for now seeing you showcased like this makes me exceedingly happy.  However I'm still moving in and nothing is in its final place.  I started putting things in cabinets a few weeks ago but somehow the contractors managed to get sawdust INSIDE the cabinets even where they weren't working... Contractor magic.  Also, my cabinet stylist was busy this weekend (WTF?  Don't you know who I am??!) so I know he's going to take one look at my teacups and *eyeroll* and make them prettier elsewhere.  

Know what else makes me exceedingly happy?

Venuto FINALLY is in his home!  Venuto has been stuck in a closet since um... last summer when he came into our world.  He's a good sport.  And he's sexy as hell and totally pwns that sink which is pretty tough to do because have you seen that sink?!

Show that sink how it's done, Venuto.

That Magne-dock, lock and drop it technology rocks my world.  (I think I just found your new commercial deal with Huey, Brizo.  You're welcome.) It's like the soft close feature on my cabinets drawers but for faucets.  Us people of luxury in the 21st century can't be bothered with returning things to their rightful positions and rely on technology and faucet magic to do it for us.  Hey, I'm a busy Madame and thanks to Brizo for understanding my needs.

Good thing these drawers do have that soft close feature since they are stuffed to the max with NOTHING because I have so much cabinet goodness that I actually have tons of empty storage.  Better go shopping...

And look at all this space!  The microwave trim kit finally arrived after its journey through Middle Earth although not after a very harrowing ordeal in which I had to pick it up at the local FedEx hub located at the corner of Murder Ave. and Girl, You Do Not Belong Here Blvd where I had to be buzzed in through a cage, walk half a mile, go through airport security and then forced to talk to the guard for ten minutes about his potted meat lunch (because of the economy and all) eaten with the heels of bread (which he called toes) all in front of a giant industrial fan causing me to hold my hair out of my lipgloss with one hand and sign for my package with my other hand and - as elegantly as possible - tuck my skirt between my thighs so I didn't flash potted-meat man from the hurricane force winds behind me ONLY for the contractors to later tell me it didn't fit.  

Again.  

I will fuck you in the face with potted meat if you don't put that gawddammed microwave in that cabinet you lazy sonsabitches.  Apparently that did the trick because magically 30 minutes later the microwave was snuggled in nicely.  It was either my threat or Nick's help... one of the two.

Taste the rainbow!

It's not all white and beige in here!  But those can stay nice and tucked away.

I do have a bit of a thing for ugly vintage dishes...  They just want a good home!!!!

Wheeeee!!!  More rainbow!!  To reduce paper consumption I made an effort to only use cloth napkins with meals last year but having 12 of the same pattern is so boring so now I just pick up a couple of whatever's on clearance at Anthro when I'm there.  I feel like you're looking in Kitchen's panty drawer...

And finally we have the pantry and existing Mr. White Fridge.   He doesn't quite fit the space which was designed to hold a glorious counter depth fridge one day when I can afford it but in the meantime welcome to the real world y'all where everything isn't HGTV perfect all at once.

When Mr. Counter Depth Fridge gets here this view will be so much better...

Can't forget airport runway lighting!

Gratuitous kitchen porn shot

Kitchen's getting sleepy from all this excitement...

LOOK AT IT, NEIGHBORS!!

The ModSauce Ranch doesn't look so mint green at night!  Pardon the blurry picture but I was taking this perched on my car door in my neighbor's yard in the middle of the night and people were starting to wonder (more than normal) but those two windows are the kitchen overlooking the corner of my street and everyone driving by can be blinded by the awesomeness of Kitchen since I don't have shades yet but that will be remedied shortly once the summer come and the afternoon sun will turn Kitchen into the hellgate again.  But for now it's breezy and making my neighbors jealous.  Or they think I've turned into a chef/exhibitionist...

Sigh...  It is done.  It's not perfect but I'm loving it so far - I think it looks like me and suits my house and my neighborhood.  And by "suits" I mean kicks its ass of course.  So thanks to Charlie Sheen (not really) Cupboards and Brizo and jeezus and the special people that have given me advice and all my readers and tweeps who've been supportive or at the very least laughed with me (at me?) during this process and omigawd *waves hand in front of face* I might cry so somebody punch me before I show you I'm a real human!  I've got more deep kitchen thoughts coming in the future about working with contractors and possibly even a guest appearance by my cabinet daddy, Nick, but for now this:

Sink, consider yourself dry-humped tonight.

BLADOW. 

Hungry like the wolf for birds, if wolves ate birds the way I devour pointless market analysis.

Since I've been all about nesting this week I thought it would be a great time to utilize puns talk about birds.  I happen to like our feathered friends but I'm sure we've all cried a little at all the inane shit with birds on it that's everywhere just as much as we've laughpeed a little at Portlandia's Put a Bird On It.  But that kind of stuff - the retail trend - is where trends go to die a slow and poorly-thought-out infectious death.  So when I saw the world's foremost trend expert Lidewij Edelkoort talkin that special bird talk on Trend Tablet I figured it was a nice way to illustrate the birth of a real trend.  The kind that can define a decade and not one that you can find at Urban Outfitters.  Honeysuckit can, well, suck it.  


BEHOLD the 'lifestyle trend' where the word 'trend' isn't a gimmick you get to feel superior for snubbing (she says as she reclines on her Anthro pillow that may or may not have a bird on it..) but instead a socio-economic commentary in the form of pretty pretty pictures that forecaster sell to retailers for thousands of dollars only for them to put a bird on it.  Damn I want that job!

"now that we have recovered from the worst and are experiencing a new fluidity of movement, the economy and therefore culture will take us to a higher plane for a new and even better perspective. in a positive and optimistic mood, fashion and design will take flight and give us wings on the road to new colours, more texture and exalting creativity.  the world of birds is therefore our source of inspiration, with their interesting behaviour patterns previewing the society of man. living in flocks they inspire us to congregate and share, building nests and inviting us to rekindle the love and care we want to give our family and friends; transgressing borders they install in us a new sense of freedom from convention and control; gathering food they initiate the idea of local produce and seasonal harvest.  the collecting of twigs and debris to weave birds’ nests will inspire us to rekindle a keen interest in artistic and crafted weaving, with designer yarns spun from opposing and complementary matter like mohair with silk ribbons and leather and lurex.
the rituals of courting and mating by the male specimens drive us towards a more erotic experience of the night and a more exotic take on rituals, using colour, dance and sound as essential attributes."

Sometimes overanalyzing makes me *eye-motherfuckin-roll* but when it's about pretty things and feelings it makes me squee!   


More fashion and people:

"as the nerd of the birds the owl will never stop to intrigue us.  the professor of birds teaches us a lesson in endurance, dedication and perseverance.he is designed to live a nocturnal life, just like an online nerd working through the night, hunting for virtual prey."

There is so much to read at the Trend Tablet page but I had to include the online nerd owl with its virtual prey because I think she's actually talking about blogging.  I'm on the hunt, y'all!  I'm hungry like the wolf!  Wait, that's a different metaphor...

mmhhhh... red.

The home and interior trends:

"A soft and gentle universe of clear and optimistic colour is inspired by the fluffed-up downy character of endearing baby birds..... Confident without being functional, basic without being boring and tender without being tedious, these colours are the basis of our range for 2011.  An endearing start to a new period of nesting."

I didn't say you had to like it but you have to acknowledge that it's out there.  Besides, "confident without being functional" is the most geniusly crafted observation I've heard in a long time.  

"Birds of a feather flock together in inner city clans and neighbourhoods enabling different societal expressions to be recognised by the group.  Living a make-do mentality that will dominate design with sheltering sanctuaries and squatted industrial buildings.  A survival sense of aesthetics will give the creative community a chance to express more freely and without boundaries.  Therefore the end of the age of individualism has arrived, allowing us to network and cooperate.  An army of dark neutrals will revolutionise interiors, becoming abstract and minimal."

"More than ever, our focus is on authenticity, honesty and local colour.  Inspired by the revival of a rural culture and the birds that roam the farm, the colours want to be trustworthy and traditional, with a slightly frozen and whitewashed quality to make them lively and vibrant."

"Nesting has become a contemporary keyword to describe our current and crafted lifestyle; open-ended yet cosy and comfortable.... The arts & crafts movement is making an important revival, inspiring objects made by hand in timber, hide, bone, ceramics and glass. Filling the nest with unique pieces.  The creative consumer is born."

"A new and soft range of coquettish cosmetic colours meant to be used for an elegant and sexual purpose, giving a refined and genderspecific meaning to paint.  Caged birds of exotic origins are inspiring a highly-charged and erotic sense of aesthetics, drawing on the idea of the liberal bondage of beauty. Translated to the real world with the concretisation of female fantasises in private spaces like the personal bathroom, the secret walk-in closet and the remarkable revival of the boudoir—the ultimate female sanctuary."

That's pretty smart commentary for a look I find pretty blech.  But maybe that's YOUR lifestyle - we don't judge here at the Sauce.  Except when it's ugly.  Or dumb.  But most definitely when it's dumb AND ugly though...

"Highly intelligent and powerful birds have been dark symbols since the beginning of man.  Resourceful and operating with a strict hierarchy in a large flock called a murder, they have become icons of the gothic movement, living often in cemeteries and believed to assist the transition of the spirit to the after life.  Standing for dark and almost dramatic environments, so much loved by the avant-garde, and therefore introducing much darker colours for the home."

I already liked crows anyway so I'm totally trendy in my lifestyle.  But now I want to knit and paint something black.  And collect wolves.  Wolves are the new birds for emo hipsters.  You heard it hear first.  If we could somehow crossbreed them we'd be millionaires.  It worked for Dr. Moreau.

This makes me exceedingly happy...

…that this is the worst of the debris that made its way into my yard after the terrible storms and tornadoes of the past week.   My house and neighborhood are okay – many downed trees and power lines but nothing that isn’t fixable.  Many fared much worse.

Getting back to a normal routine seems harder to accomplish not only because I don’t have an internet connection and am typing this at a Starbucks with 150 of my closest neighborhood friends, but because I drive by absolute devastation every day.  It’s a wholly different thing to see tragedy in person rather than see it on the news - especially if it's a place where you spend a lot of time. My friends and family closer to the damage don’t have power and have to boil their water – still lucky.   The constant background noise of sirens, chainsaws and helicopters around my house is just now starting to lessen.   Attempting to blog feels silly (nor do I really have the inclination to do so) and blogging about a brand new kitchen when my nearby neighbors have lost everything feels grotesque.   I was supposed to be having my final inspection last week the day the storms came so obviously that didn’t happen.  In addition, my contractor works with the fire department so I know he spent several sleepless days and nights helping victims.  And you wonder why I have a hard time being assertive with him when he is a HERO!  A hero with puppy dog eyes.

Pretty much the worst thing that’s happened to me is my power went out for a day.   I lost some food in the fridge, my house smelled like a candle store barfed and my delicate ladyperson sensibilities were offended when I was propositioned by a horny neighbor looking for a way to pass the apparently impossibly long night without tv.  Dude, calm your dick down and show some respect for me and, you know, the death and destruction a few miles away.  However he did throw in option of grilling me a pork chop which, I won’t lie, was rather tempting considering all I had at home was an apple and some stale crackers but um, no thanks.  I do draw the line at prostituting myself for food until the actual apocalypse comes.

Frankly all of those things can be considered kinda good – I still have a house that has the luxury of smelling like candle barf, I get to shop and restock my fridge, I spent some time huddled in a candlelit tub and I was deemed good enough for bored sex.   I’m on top of the world. 

Actually, the hardest thing I had to do was deciding whether it was more important to donate large amounts of tampons or peanut butter.  There are some things I would gladly forego a meal for if I had to make a choice...  But I opted for both.  And contact solution.  Nobody thinks of contact solution.  

So I spent the weekend in quiet domestic service (Time to get a smartphone!  And a battery powered radio…) here at the Ranch.  Washing windows, picking up candy-colored insulation from my yard blown in from gawd knows where and gratefully cleaning my baseboards.  I never thought I’d ever type ‘gratefully cleaning’ and ‘baseboards’ in the same sentence but a little perspective does that to a person.

So please pardon me while I try to find my internet connection and my sense of normalcy again.  I imagine it’ll be spotty for a time.

The Madame has cabinet fever in Alabama

My kitchen remodel must have been so stressful that Nick had to take an immediate vacation to Vegas to recover.   He didn't invite me to go to the Kitchen and Bath Show 2011 debauchery and drunkfest of 2011 but he was kind enough to invite me to post at the Cupboards blog a few times this week.

Greige Design via Cupboards via just get your ass over there

First up is a smattering of lustworthy cabinets in steely shades that almost make me want a new kitchen.  Almost...  It's not Vegas but it's still pretty saucy so sashay on over to see how the Madame goes Alabama style.


Hope you're having a great time in Vegas, Nick, with your gambling and drinking and glittering and good gawd I need a vacation too!!!