Monday, March 22, 2010

(Unicorns + blackheads) / perspective = giant pink snails + tequila

There’s nothing like having a blog that puts a virtual mirror in front your face and shows you every disgusting blackhead of your life.  Usually it’s the kind of blackhead that everybody else can see because they look at you in the daylight but you don't know it's there because you barely look in the mirror in the mornings anymore and have essentially given up on makeup unless it's margarita night or the gays are going to be around.  Meanwhile you're all drunk-sweaty and happy thinking you're normal-sized-pore lady until you pee for the fourth time after that last round of margaritas and stumble into the mirror and catch a close-up of your mug which looks like a methface vomited Morgan Freeman's freckles.  The horror!

Is this what I look like?  Christ on a cracker.
Like I already knew that I get an idea stuck in my glamorous little head sometimes and can’t let go of it until it crawls out bloody and defeated and devoid of any initial joy that it might have inspired.  That’s not crazy that’s just awesome dedication and a desire to understand something in absolute mind-numbing completion. Whether it’s a song I repeat for hours on end (right now it’s Fleet Foxes), an obsession with a color (ahem… green), a tired pun (do you get it? a stiletto is a knife AND a shoe!! Hahahaha!) or even a magical animal I really like to beat a dead horse. (Tee hee! That was another bad pun that alludes the theme of the next paragraph.)

What I didn’t know until this wonderful blog illuminated it for me (and because no one bothered to tell me) was that although I really enjoy a good unicorn reference every now and again, I had no idea that they were such a prominent factor of Madam Sunday's internal dialog until I reviewed some of my previous posts in the light of a dirty bathroom mirror. While I admit I had a unicorn-bordered bedroom when I was 24 8, a collection of unicorn literature (including manuals on how to find unicorns – are you jealous?), a stunning collection of Lisa Frank trapper keepers and  The Last Unicorn on VHS AND Beta I really thought I left all that in the past.

I guess not.

But since unicorns are such a played-out meme now I need to get with the cool kids, use a Biore strip and find another magical species to champion. 




Wait for 'em...



Here they come...



 A dozen 8 ft tall pink plastic snails have invaded Milan.  Designed by the Cracking Art Group the snails represent
"three different metaphors through contemporary art language : the first one is connected to hearing, since the Snail' s spiral reminds us of the human ear ; the second one can be related to living, given that this nice animal carries its home around on its back. The last one, in the end, refers to current technology, since the grafic symbol " @ " ( which is called " snail " in italian language ) is used in computer-mediated communication . Finally, considering the snails are made of recycled plastic, the Cracking Art Group' s project " RE - generation " embodies another important value, sustainability." 
And they're simply Uh-DORable!

They're sweet, friendly and you can ride them just like a horse but at much slower speeds.  Safety first.  Also they're appropriately colored for the fairer sex.  When the snails die you can also make jewelry and crafts from their shells.  Don't forget magical!  Well... only in the Neverending Story but that can cross-apply I guess.    The 36" Tony Duquette version DOES glow from the inside though!  

That's pretty magical if not slightly slimier looking.  Also part of the fantasy is the $20,000 auction price for an original.  You can buy a new reproduction at Baker but they don't list the price and we all know that if you have to ask you can't afford it.  Except in the case of flea markets.

But THESE?!  Not showing up at any flea markets I frequent.  They ARE touring the world though and making a stop in Chicago soon!  I would punch Oprah in the face if she tries to get between me and my new favorite fantasy beast.  I mean unicorns are SOO 80's - glittery, tacky, self-involved high-maintenance (hellooo?? white!) hags.  Snails promote slow food, the importance of listening and thoughtful living while still understanding technology in our world.  What have you done lately unicorns?

My point exactly.

So unicorns you are officially dead to me (except when I watch Legend of course) and I'm replacing you in my fantasies and decor with hot pink snails.  I don’t know why but you either have to decorate with animals or collect them but I’m pretty sure you have to one of the two. It’s required in interiors and design. (uh oh… I feel a cliché coming on)  So I'm totally cool with having these guys around for awhile.  They'll have to duke it out with the octopussies for dominion at the ModernSauce house.  May the best uh... slimy thing win!

It wouldn't hurt if they had one of these though...
That's a magic horn on its head not a big white dildo.  Perverts.
Just sayin.


  1. As a reader of this fine blog and my strange realization that I might have helped aid in this talk about our fav 1 horn magical horse I am jumping on the boat and loving snails. I mean really they are perfect. They have a wonderful shell that they carry around with them. I bet their shells is 100% organized and pretty and green! Whats that Uni for on that now! Plus when they are gone they leave us their house that we get to enjoy and make into great accessories. The ultimate recycling/reuse. Also I don't think the snail would every go for a photo that looks like they are violating a dolphin. ;)

  2. I've interviewed multiple snails and they are all quite reserved and courteous and assured me there would be no simulated dolphin-raping. And you're right they are big into recycling (thank gawd they're liberal!). Unicorns believe in Reaganomics fo sho.

  3. don't give up on the unicorns! they're simply a marginalized part of society that the republicans have brainwashed you to associate with homosexuality. didn't you ever see HP, they are the cure for all our healthcare problems and will solve global poverty by "donating" their horns to save Haiti. Down with the snails!

  4. Touche. I bet the unicorn-dolphin rape was just propaganda. But while the unicorns are off saving the world me and snails are going to drink some sweet tea and do some decorating which is my god-given right as an American.

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