Monday, March 29, 2010

I should get paid to do this. Minus the Cholera.

As I’m sure you could tell from my previous decorating posts I’m a creative genius regarding decor.  Knowing about my awesome talents one of my best friends, Dr. J, begrudgingly relented begged for some sage advice regarding her guest room.  Dr. J is a lady genius who does something science-related for the government but I don't know what that is because I always fall asleep before she finishes her job description.  I think it's important.  Not as important as blogging obviously.  But gawd help her she can't tell Persimmon from Sienna though.  I know, it's sad right?  Fortunately for her I have a PhD of fabulosity.  That's a Phenomenal Diva.  Before she went off to provide clean drinking water to third world countries or do something something zzzzzzz....huh?   she told me my parameters included an Ikea Hemnes bed, some brown curtains and a psuedo-agreed upon color palette.  Game on bitch.

Now people automatically assume that because of my degree in fabulosity and amazing talent that I immediately judge their homes or will recommend outrageously awesome and expensive  decorating schemes.  Honestly I don't give a shit.   I mean Madame Sunday obviously likes looking at décor porn and getting bitchy about real decorators' shit because these people get paid an ass-ton of money, publish their work in magazines and I'm extremely jealous I love making fun of pretentious assholes.  Once your shit goes public I'm obliged by the laws of Blogland to comment on it.  

But Madame Sunday and Charlemagne don't live in a magazine, we live in the real world where the ModernSauce ranch is in a constant state of upheaval and renovation and I am frequently missing doors, have peeling wallpaper and empty rooms awaiting furniture, or piles of plaster dust in the corners that have totally not been there for three months after I drilled that hole in the wall.  I once had to sleep in my living room on the couch for 6 weeks one time because I didn’t want to make my bed I didn’t have a bedroom ceiling.  Believe me, when I walk into your house I don’t even notice how your walls coordinate with your furniture because I’m more impressed with the fact that you HAVE furniture and wonder how I too could find some seating for guests that’s not a milk crate with a towel folded on top for a cushion.  Also I'm waiting for you to pour me a damn drink already!!

However... if you ask my opinion you can be sure as hell that I have one.  I'll also be happy to give it to you once you get me another drink too.     

Like in this case.  I know that Dr. J wants will end up with something like this which I will still gladly sleep under (with nightmares) the next time I visit but since she "asked" for my help I will buy a plane ticket and fly up to wherever it is that she lives and for all that's sweet and holy I will put her nuts in her mouth if I see this on the bed.  See how that pillow sham matches the bedspread Dr. J?  Nuts.  In.  Your.  Mouth.  But if this is what you end up doing please, for Madame Sunday’s sake, add something green in there and something shiny and/or textural.  A jute ruge.  A nubby ivory throw.  Metallic candlesticks.  A mirror.  Set off some fireworks.  Anything.  But do NOT purchase any of these things at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  You've reached your quota.

In Madame Sunday's head it would look something more like this:
Your dream guest room

Now I have a feeling that Dr. J will never buy a lucite console table or a leopard print toss pillow but this is fake decorating so whatever. But the rug has a non-linear pattern which Mr. Hemnes needs and it's totally affordable.  So are all the Ikea accents.  You need a C table since this room is minute and your Prius has more floor space.  Throw some mirrors up there to bounce around the light and also because I like to look at myself in multiples.   

But I'm no fool.  Sigh.  I know that this will never happen and within a week the room will look like this: 
Your dream guest room, one week later

Yeah there's a microscope in there because I don't know what the hell scientists do but according to CSI there's usually a microscope involved.  Perhaps you should also consider buying one of these rugs from Bev Hisey I found from If It's Hip, It's Here.  They are the designs of magnified viruses and bacteria and other nastiness.  I figure most people decorate by the season but I guess scientists can decorate around their current work project!

Or you could put one in every room and then refer to each room by that name.  Like "hey that box goes in the HIV room" or "I sleep in the Cholera room".  That sounds exciting AND smart!!  Half of Ikea's product names sound like diseases anyway so I don't think anyone will notice.

Please see Charlemagne to work out all the billing and shipping information.  Madame Sunday accepts American Express black cards, Paypal and excessive (if not unwarranted) praise.  I still have to pay off those Fabulosity School loans.  That PhD ain't cheap.


  1. Madame Sunday is a design diva. It’s been said before and it will be said again. While driving home from my really boring desk job saving small children from disease and pestilence I decided to follow Madame Sunday’s advice and picked up the recommended paint color. After adding it to the 17 other colors on the wall in my 6x6 cave guest room, I realized that she was an absolute genius. The color was perfect. Not too dark, not too bright (can’t have that), not too baby poop brown (currently a lot of that on the walls). I now propose that Madame Sunday begin a second career advising the design illiterate. You’ll need to work on your vocabulary, though as we are a special population and need extra consideration. You are limited to describing colors to those found in a box of 8 crayola crayons as this was the last time any of us learned about colors. Please avoid words like “contrast”, “accent”, and anything else that can’t be found on the description for a bed in a bag. If the colors aren’t the same how are we supposed to know if they look good together? This is the level we function at. But good news for you, we’re completely okay with being told what to do. You point we’ll buy, but don’t expect us to understand why the leopard print throw pillow really adds more class than the unicorn poster we found in the garage. They both have green in them. You told me to add green!

    So Madame Sunday, please don’t forget about all the people out there who don’t understand what you do but still deserve to live in a place that doesn’t look like a box of crayola exploded or an advertisement for Bed Bath and Beyond.

    Dr. J

  2. This was not a paid endorsement. Dr. J is truly a satisfied customer (surprisingly). And it's a good thing I'm a bleeding-heart liberal and believe in design welfare for all underprivileged citizens because good decor and paint colors are a right not a privilege. It's my American duty to help those less fortunate. And I'll use whatever vocabulary you need as long as i can still say 'fuck' a lot and spend your money. Mission accomplished.

  3. grants are a little hard to come by in these economic times but we'll scrape up the money if you help us climb out of the bag. maybe there is stimulus money for this? or the republicans seem to be throwing it around right now, they wouldn't notice a little less money for their strippers I'm sure.

  4. I'd totally go fake lesbian for a discount if the GOP would pay me instead of those overpriced clubs. Leather, S&M, whatever. I like a little Michael Steele chocolate with my vanilla. All in the name of decor.

  5. do you want to be seen associating with republicans? that would totally kill your in with the gays... but it might get you into the NRA which would increase your standing in your homeowners association....what's a girl to do?

  6. Dammit. My low morals are really starting to cause problems...

  7. that's what they said...

  8. dear madame sunday. i like this. can you make it work for me?

    is it just one step up (or down) from bed in a bag? either way- i like it!