The lamest giveaway in the history of the internets.

Hey Madame, weren't you, like, remodeling a kitchen of amazing awesomeness just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  We're like 95% done but still waiting on a few details to arrive.  Apparently these special items are located in Mordor and require a mythical journey of warehouse pickers to find the only microwave trim kit that fits my cabinet in all of middle earth.  Paying for expedited shipping doesn't apply to how fast this magical journey takes, only how fast the UPS man drives once they find my special part.  Good to know.   I think we will be done - for serious done - at the end of this week.  SQUUEEEEE!  


So at the end of this process I'll get a shiny new kitchen (and a few love burns from all the mad sink love that's been going down) but what do you get, dear reader, other than a sore neck from watching this trainwreck?  It's time for me to give back!!!  Because I'm a giver.  Of things.  To you.


Specifically this:

click on images for hot up-close wood action

No, it's not trash.  Well not really...  It's an 8 foot section of butcher block counter all chopped up into varying pieces.  You may remember its brief role in the countertop debacle of 2011.  So now that I have a new countertop I have no idea what to do with all this old wood.  My contractor has already made me two cutting boards, I've set aside a couple for gifts and hopefully to pay bills with (Nick, what was your address again?) and I still have about a thousand pounds of wood just laying around.  It's a shame to let all that sessy wood go to waste.  So I'm giving it to YOU!!!

For everyone who wanted a full picture of Charlemagne there ya go.  This post is full of giving!  Giving is the new winning.

It's wo-oood, wo-oood, it's better than bad it's good!!  Even Charlemagne can't get enough!  Also, she's an attention whore when the camera comes out.  So I'm giving away one free piece of wood to one of you fabulous readers do with as you please!!  Have you ever seen this kind of lameness generosity before??!!  Surely the Make-A-Wish Foundation will be calling me shortly to make other dreams come true...  All you have to do is leave a comment below (isn't that how these things are done?) and let me know you want it and I'll use one of those random number generator thingies or possibly a hat with some numbers written on post-its inside and pick someone.  You don't have to tweet it or subscribe or donate to a charity (although that's just nice anyway) because that ain't this kind of blog.  It's the kind of blog where I give you things out of my trash pile.  

But it's a sexy 1 1/4 inch thick piece of wood trash in a trapezoid shape for all your contemporary kitchen displays of geometry or a skinny piece to chop one carrot at a time on.  Big pieces, small pieces, whichever one you want.  You tell ME how to make your woody dreams come true.   Use it as a cutting board or door stop or use it as a giant plate and pretend you're a caveman when you eat dinner.  You can read tarot cards on it or use it as a stage to enact your miniature civil war reenactments with your toy soldiers or carve my avatar on it to hang in your house, WHATEVER.  I don't judge what you creepy ass stalkers do in your spare time.  What I will do is hug it tight and give it as much fabulosity by osmosis as possible and then package it lovingly in old newspapers and a shoebox and send it your way.   Fuck, I'll even sign it if either of us are actually that lame. 

Seriously, my back patio needs to be cleaned off and y'all better leave a comment even out of pity so I can get this mess out of here.  

And for all you losers who don't get a giant slab of wood here's a kitchen teaser!

Venuto is in its home at last. 

Mwahahahaha!

(pssst...  don't tell the winner but I'll totally send y'all pieces of wood too - seriously, these are nice cutting boards if you sand the corners a bit - but I can't pay for all the shipping because this wood weighs a ton and I think we've already established I don't shit glitter or money but we can work something out.  It's better than bad, it's meh.)

Support the arts! And Merpeople.

I wanted to finish off the week with some super ill paintings like this:

Nicola Samori

But then I remembered that there's been so much gloomy serial killer madness around here lately that I'd just drool over this nugget by myself.

Instead, SWIMMING!

via ISO50

It's a fun way to celebrate the upcoming warm weather while completely trying to bypass the part where my lungs are coated in pollen and my Neti pot has to violate each nostril every night.    

via ffffound

Floaty...

ffffound via Dethjunkie so I'll never be able to find the real source...

That looks nice but it also looks like a lake and I don't swim in lakes because bad things usually happen to people that go to summer camp and swim in lakes (also the water is icky and filled with beer cans) and when you pee in a lake I don't think it just disappears like it does in the ocean because human pee is what mermaids drink.  That's a fact.  Swimming in lakes kills mermaids and if you have any compassion left in your bladder you'll do the right thing.  I'm going to design bumper stickers that say "Save a mermaid, pee in the ocean." 

Also, I think Sharktopus can live in freshwater too so you can't escape that...

Except if you're in a pool!

here

I'm a bit obsessed with these paintings by Sarah Harvey because they make me all floaty-feeling in a non pee cloud kind of way.

here

Time stops when you're underwater.  It's true.  A mermaid told me.

This is exactly how my BFF and I spent the entire summer after our 7th grade year while we developed our synchronized swimming routine.  I still have a tan in a gradient from head to toe.

last images via Booooooom

See even more here and then make sure to go straight to the "Save the Merpeople" website I'm starting right now and buy a bumper sticker for your arm floaties.  It's the least you could do.  Well, other than peeing...

Just me, helping you, be the best Madame you can be.

Attempting fabulosity is hard and an ongoing battle against haters and, well, your own laziness and inability to arrange flowers.  I have a few standout tools in my arsenal that have made this Madame's life like buttah.  Glittery buttah.

You can control me anytime Mario.

First off: THE FACE!  Despite most of my clothes coming from the clearance rack at the Gap Outlet (if I'm feeling fancy...) I can be a bit of a product whore sometimes.  Once a Madame hit 30 my skin went to a bad place.  A scary place.  A place of flakes and blotches and OMGwhatisgoingonhere?  At the advice of a friend of the Sauce who's an expert on girl things and after reading Door Sixteen's recommendation I started using Mario Badescu products. This shit is cheap and did things to my face I didn't think possible.  I feel I'll soon be not just any product whore but a whore for Mario.  The Madame gives this 4 out of 5 pizza rolls on the scale of fabulosity importance.

Now something I probably won't be doing any whoring for:

When you live in a shithole (with a fabulous kitchen!) things are always in various stages of decline.  My bathroom is a particularly scary place that I'll totally get to right after I finish moving back into the kitchen...  Specifically I need to replace all - ALL - of the caulk because it's so degraded I think I saw a mushroom growing out of it the other day.  Also, there are parts of it that stay black no matter HOW much I clean.  UNTIL I discovered the above product!  I was enticed by the "PENETRATOR" claim and let me tell you I'm a very satisfied Madame.  Spots that no amount of bleach, industrial oxiclean, an actual exorcism by the ghost of Billy Mays himself or large amounts of cussing would whiten were gone in a few seconds with zero labor on my part.  Granted, I now have cancer of the nostrils where I inhaled the fumes because this. shit. does. not. fuck. around. but my caulk is white again probably since the first time since 1985 so I think that's a fair trade. 4.5 pizza rolls.


I also strongly recommend getting one of these:

Technically you're on Wall Street Mr. Patrick Bateman but I don't care because you're pretty and I needed a picture of a man in a suit.  You might also need the cleaner above...

Being a Madame doesn't mean you have to be good at everything, it means you have to know how to find good people that can help you.  For instance, I may be awesome at mood boards but I suck at arranging tchotchkes in my house so I have gays that do that for me.  I kick ass but can't lift heavy furniture so I have strong gays that do that for me.  I'm a master of internet shopping but I dress from the Gap Outlet so I have stylish gays that help with that  (sometimes...  I don't like their judgey eyes!).   I can't weedeat my giant yard so I have a gay that does that for me.  (I pay that one.  I pay the others in hugs and with the honor of being in my presence.)  One area that I definitely need help with my retirement and financial stuffs.  I think this dude is straight.    I hate thinking about retirement because math is hard but I do not understand people my age that do not have a retirement plan.  Y'all.  Get on this!  So I've had a financial advisor since I was about 23 when all I had was $17 and a dream of not eating cat food when I turn 65 and together we're making that dream come true.  When I remember to return his phone calls...  So I'm a big promoter of getting yourself a financial plan other than your 401k and if you happen to find an advisor that looks like Christian Bale but doesn't act like Patrick Bateman then I might want to trade with you.  Unless he acts like Christian Bale too...  I give financial planning 4.9676768787 pizza rolls.


Now that my face, shower and portfolio are in order it's time to get all science-y.  I would say I'm a health conscious person but that's pretty much where it stays - in my head - because unfortunately the universe was constructed in a way where all of your body's nutritional needs are not met with quesadillas, red wine and dark chocolate.  As a Virgo I know everything about everything particularly as it relates to health but, also as a Virgo, I'm a hypocritical harpie so I like to lecture other people about what they should do while doing the exact same thing.  "You know that Diet Coke is nothing but chemicals that will take you straight to the grave right? *sprays fake cheese in mouth*  "And don't forget your vitamins!"  *pops a gummi bear*  But this time I'm leading by example and giving you helpful - not harpie - info.  Especially for the LAAAADIEEEEES!!  After a recent trip to the doctor it turns out I was dangerously low on my vitamin D levels.  

This is the new ModernSauce font.

I wasn't experiencing any symptoms like feeling abnormally tired so the tests were just a precaution since low levels of Vitamin D are pretty common now.  However once the results came back they called in an emergency prescription that day and wondered how I was even functioning.  I exist solely on the fumes of fabulosity and glitternaise sandwiches of course!  Normal levels should be anywhere from 40-80 [insert whatever unit of measurement they use] and mine was a 12.  A fucking 12.  I guess the glow from my computer is NOT a replacement for the sun like I thought...  

I look like this by necessity.

Since the sun is my arch nemesis and ruins my delicate angel skin within about 20 minutes it makes outdoor activities a pain in the ass without SPF 240+.  That spf will - I know from experience - take off your nail polish but it's the only way I can step on a beach or mow the grass.  Or walk from my car to my front door in August.  I may not die of skin cancer but I'll probably die of sunscreen poisoning.

So after just a few doses of enough Vitamin D to possibly kill a small horse (if such a thing were possible) I feel a jizzillion times better.  I wasn't complaining of being tired before because I'd forgotten what it was like to NOT feel the bone weary, emotional roller coaster of doom and dark pissypants attitude that I had.  It was just my new normal!  Possibly it's your normal too.  So ladies you need to have your Vitamin D checked regardless of how you feel.  It happened to me and several of my friends and it can happen to YOU!  *sprays fake cheese in mouth*  I give it 12 out of 5 pizza rolls because OMIGAWD I FEEL SO GOOD NOW!  SQUEEEE!

Dirty Pretty Things

Imma about to speed through a design history lesson of recent events.  First: recession.  (Don't all recent history lessons start there?)  Shit gets real.  No money, houses make sad faces, kittens cry and people take a lot of pictures of abandoned things.

James Griffioen's Feral Houses.  Other prints still available on 20x200.

(This looks exactly like 80% of where I grew up and had I been smart back when I was, ya know, 17 I could have made a fortune selling the pictures I was already taking of my neighbors' houses but it's not like I'm bitter or anything... Moving on.)


People want authenticity and to celebrate the "ugly" and imperfect and by gawd we'll give it to them in overpriced furniture!!

The root of all Industrial Chic evil.  

And a movement was born.  Born in abandoned buildings turned into food magazine style shoots to Steampunk dads (which oddly takes a lot of money to do correctly) and minimal Scandinavian moms with baby blankets knitted of pubic hair and cradles of peeling paint, lead poisoning and rainbow shades of oxidation.  Spread your wings and take flight, post-recession handmade grunge!

via 969years

Ok, I kinda like this if I separate all attempts of function from this space and use it purely as inspiration...

I don't have a source.  Bad blogger...

via Ideas to Steal

Blah, blah, blah a homeless person lives here blah, blah, blah I'm bored keep scrolling...

Mikkel Adsbol via A Perfect Gray

Needs more peeling wallpaper.  You're not trying hard enough.

via wishflowers

Well shut my mouth.  Now we've gone beyond beyond Industrial Chic Grunge to Serial Killer Garage of Death.

Is this yearning for authenticity or just a sad monastery of gloom??

Previous two Axel Vervoordt via Design Traveller

I see your wabi sabi and raise you cryptkeeper!  

And then there's the queen of decay Debra Cronin.

Two from Debra Cronin Design

David Kohrman via If It's Hip, It's Here

Ahahahaha just kidding.  That's an abandoned building.  But throw in a chandelier and it's a Debra Cronin.  A chandelier makes everything better.  EVERYTHING!!!

And then last week this:

For the love of all that is glittery and holy WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???!!!   I just couldn't take it anymore - it is the pinnacle of low in this entire Industrial Communist Prison Chic Shit movement and a waste of a perfectly good claw foot tub.  Although maybe it's not a good tub because there's a dead body in there that we can't see.  Perhaps he was shanked in a prison fight because I'm pretty sure that's where this bathroom is.  There's no Scrubbing Bubbles for sinning...

And then her spread on The Design Files:

Debra Cronin

I think it's Buffalo Bill's basement in Silence of the Lambs.

Seriously.  I'm a big fan of dirty and ugly and 'omigawd do I need to update my Tetanus before I go in there?' but there's nowhere left to go in this movement unless you actually show a "room to outfit" with the above space and a dress made from human skin carved from plump girls with 80's hair.  The pendulum is ready to swing in another less crusty and less murdery way.  A way that If the Lampshade Fits perfectly illustrated last week in her post about the return of pretty.

Calgon, take me away.  Or a unicorn with a saddle full of boxed wine could also take me away.  Both are equally good. 

I don't even like pink walls per se but I was one rusty razorblade away from self-mutilation after looking at those rooms up there so her post was rather timely.  In addition to 'Pretty in Pink" I'll add just lump it with plain old Traditional on my imaginary map of where the design trend pendulum is headed.  Even Lonny has teamed up with Traditional Home.  Since we're all stocked up on afghans of pubic hair and shitty DIY furniture disasters and have more money now we'll be ready to explore the NEW authentic!   Because you can totally buy authenticity out of a catalog...   


I'll look into my Madame crystal ball (everybody gets one when you send in enough yogurt tops) and say that the new(er) traditional has an American slant now that we're back to being overconfident again - a surge of neo-classic will lean almost Federalist with its delicate geometry and look extra saucy with uber-contemporary pieces.  Tired of suzanis?  You're in luck because the new "ethnic" is from a different part of the world we invaded - our own!  Native American jazz is about to be all up in your biznass.  Too brown for you?  Don't worry - you'll have your white bread 80s Ralph Lauren prep too - navy and stripes and ginghams and loafers and brass.  Yeah.  It's coming...  So is equestrian but with a Pretty Woman brown and white polka dot edge.  I swear, you can't make this shit up.  It's straight out of Crystal Ball o' Drunken Wonders.  Maybe if I get drunkier I'll make a mood board!  Having an official Madame crystal ball also means I'm contractually obligated to do a mood board at least once a quarter.


In the meantime I'll still be "authentic" in the old dirty and gloomy way because it took a lot of time to haul these rusty chairs in from the street and I "decorated" like that long before it became played out.  I just updated my Tetanus so I'm good for awhile anyway... 

Pretty things that H.G. Wells might even like. But the grammar police won't.

So there's a new online mag Est from Australia that premiered recently and I read its first (and probably my) last issue but by "read" I mean skimmed the pictures of course because nobody reads the articles in any of that stuff because nobody really cares what those magazines have to say because we're too busy writing our own copy in our heads when we look at it because everything WE bloggers say is better than what those vanilla articles say except when WE are the bloggers that get famous enough to make our own magazines and you sure as shit better read my fake future magazine.  Rue might as well be in Sanskrit for how much I pay attention to the text.  People might say print is dead but I think what's really following Liz Taylor up to the MJ in the sky is engaging and informative storytelling as it relates to design.  And proper sentence structure.  I think my first Mobius strip sentence of this paragraph proves that point pretty clearly and it will probably continue to be illustrated throughout this post and subsequent posts.  


Oh look - pretty things!

I don't know what's going on here but it's matte black, shiny white and natural wood.  I'm liking this color combo so much lately I kinda designed my kitchen in it.  I wish I had more shiny things like in that back right corner but I think that can be arranged.  The fact that I don't have anything in the kitchen that sparkles like that is a shame to high maintenance divas hard-working Madames everywhere.   Why I didn't make a mosaic backsplash from all my costume jewelry we'll never know.  [MS sidebar: I know why - I still wear that shit for really special occasions like Friday night margarita night and when Charlemagne and I have dress-up parties.  Those are on Saturdays.  Sometimes Tuesday... ]

Feel free to write your own commentary in your head.  I won't be offended.

I feel like it's last year's Primitive Glamour but even more primitive.  And earthier...

I'm talking subterranean.  Like Morlock type of "earthy" where things are molten hot and weird and grow in awkward stalagmite formations.  With lamp shades on top... And shiny crystalline things.  Don't question my story.

Oh and awkward furniture.  It's a Morlock throne.

I think this proves the value of a good stylist because this is a big ole mess but I want to live here too!!  I'm such a sucker.

Aren't we done with bones?  Or is that an Eloi skull?  Did I just overload on nerdery?

All images from Est via the cool blog Number 19

Oh who cares.  This blog is 53% fantastical images, 41% words of some kind (possibly Sanskrit - you don't know), 13% boxed wine and 7% glitter.   

And 3% dumb references that only I think are cool.

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part B

We ain't done yet!!  We're still on the gravy train from yesterday and you can't get off!  I'm not sure I know what a gravy train actually is but it sounds delicious and I will absolutely make gravy in my new kitchen as soon as I have, you know, power and water and stuff.

So here's some more design decisions I've been forced to make lately...

Appliance-y thingies:

I'm not updating any of my major appliances because as much as I'd like to think I shit glitter and money it doesn't happen.  My stove and fridge aren't even stainless steel *GASP* but since they work I don't see a need to replace them.  It's the ultimate in "green" design.  However, I want a counter depth fridge so bad I will most likely resort to shameful behavior to get some bank in order to buy one this summer.  Or fall depending on how much my "morals" get in the way of me getting the stuff I want.  


But I do have to get a new microwave.  

So help me gawd if you don't fit...

This has become the bane of my existence.  It will mount into the cabinets like you see in the earlier renderings and will look all sleek and fancy with a trim kit.  Too bad no one in the tri-state area sells microwaves with trim kits and finding a model online with decent reviews and easily understood specs has regretably become my new hobby.  Hey Madame, wanna go out for Mexican tonight?  Thanks but I've got to spend countless hours this Friday night pouring over microwave installation manuals and decoding model numbers to stupid appliances that I will most likely only use to soften cream cheese and melt butter but maybe next year!  I've already bought and returned one microwave and its "coordinating" trim kit because it most certainly did not "coordinate" with the size it stated online.  This time I found another option and because Nick knows his cabinets better than me I asked him to confirm with the manufacturer that it would work.  Threats were made and a customer service may have cried but the appropriate microwave and trim kit were ordered.  Thanks Nick!

I also had to buy a range hood. 

The Arietta Toscana.  I got mine on ebay for $100 off.  Suck it Home Depot.

I would have been begrudgingly okay with the microwave-over-the-stove combo because that's what everyone in my neighborhood has and it's pretty standard for this type of remodel.  Until I saw the fancy plans!  This one's all sleek and rectangularly sexy and rectangularly sexy is EXACTLY the theme of my kitchen.  I don't know anything about buying range hoods but you have to calculate the sucking action (CFM) against the noise action (sones) - this helped because I have no fucking clue - a week of math, comparing prices, math, math... oh look!  This one's on sale!  SOLD!!

And I couldn't forget this!

Whoa, Madame.  Try not to overwhelm me with the glamtastic rainbow of awesomeness going in your kitchen.  I know, try to contain your jubilation.  Even though I compost I really REALLY miss having a garbage disposal.  Normally I like to compare up to three models of something for reviews and features but I sooo could not give a flying rat's ass right now.  I just bought the one Nick said.  Done.  

At this point all the little things are starting to add up to a mountain of epic minutiae that I don't care about even though I'm a bit neurotic and DO care about it immensely if they are wrong.  Things like what I want my baseboards to look like, the shape of my outlets, omigawd my outlet covers...???!!  Good gawd I didn't research slick and cutting edge outlet covers!!!!  What am I going to do????!!!  Awww fuck it.  THIS is why I'm not a real Interior Designer because I hated specifying things like this.  People who do that for a living are saints who deserve tons and tons of money.  Money that I don't have to give them but OTHER people that have money should definitely give it to them.  I want to draw and color and compose mood boards and look at cabinets and tile all day tra-li-la-li-la because those are the things that dreams are made of.  That and unicorn rides through a waterfall.

Color-y things:

So here's the thing that really interests me - PAINT!!

Your subtlety is pure sex.  Unassuming, white sex.  It's not even vanilla sex because vanilla has too much color.

No it's NOT just white!!!!  It's Benjamin Moore's Soft Chamois.  I wanted something that would read like a non-color.  Other than shiny, non-color is my favorite color.  I tried up to but not exceeding twelve color samples because more than that would be crazy.  You might think this is a Guinness record of some kind but it's about usual for around here at the Ranch.  I have terrible commitment issues with paint because the wrong color will mean I will die a little each day when I look at it.  Yes it's just. that. dramatic.  White is hard and I'm not the only one who feels that way - too grey and I'm cooking pizza rolls in a tomb, too yellow and it's like a gawddamned "Tuscan" kitchen, too blue and it's icy like the Fortress of Solitude (although... ), too red and I'm living in a whorehouse.  Paint can be such a slut.  Soft chamois is perfect - grey enough that it feels crisp enough to match all the stainless steel but with an undertone of green warmth to compliment the wood counters. 

That's the kind of stuff that gets me off.  Under cabinet lighting and garbage disposals need to keep on walkin because I'm not interested in what they have to offer.  

Unless maybe it's a ticket on the gravy train to the Fortress of Solitude because I'd be down for that.

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part Uno.

We're about 90% done with the kitchen and this last 15% is nothing but the details.  Mies van der Rohe said God is in the details but I don't think he was talking about math or garbage disposals or undercabinet lighting because this shit is so zzzzzzz........  

............................................

Where am I??!!  Oh yeah.  Talking about unimportant things that if not done right become really really important but are really really boring to me because it's not about gorgeous tile and pretty things and I can't make Nick do this for me because I'm out of money to pay for his time and he won't accept cookies and "special" skyping sessions as payment I'm too anal retentive to give up all control.  But we're in the home stretch and I just need to adjust my newly found lady balls and start kicking ass and taking names.

But since we're so close I'm also not going to give you any more pictures because mwahahahaha!!  The next two posts are all the things that aren't sinks and countertops and cabinets and tile but are completely occupying my brain and making a Madame pretty cranky.  It's enough to drive someone deeper into the sauce. 

Lighting: 

I don't know shit about lighting.  Back in ye olde design school I had an award-winning lighting professor (there are awards for that shit?) that was a bit washed up and all I remember is staring at her facelift scars a lot when she actually showed up to class and wondering if she had a drinking problem.  Needless to say I don't know how to calculate lumens or candelas or what the difference is between them but I DO know that you should have layers of light.  I'm sure I didn't learn that in school either.  So the main light will be recessed lights as we've already seen.

I always thought recessed lights were a necessary evil but they are growing on me.  Especially when they are in such a purty formation.  I bought the cheap ass baffles at Home Depot because it all looks the same to me.  Y'all can edumicate in the comments if you're so inclined but I ain't buying $50 trim parts (which I'm sure look better) so you might be wasting your keystrokes.


The next layer is decorative accent lighting.  I think.  I'm making all this up as I go along...  I wanted two pendants over the windows - simple, sleek and non-invasive.  A few years ago when I was just having dirty fantasies about the kitchen remodel  I even drew what I wanted:

Should they be 'globes (chrome)' or 'chrome (globes)'...???  What about just 'globes with chrome' or 'chrome globes'...??  Lighting is hard.

I'm design psychic so when I found the ubiquitous-yet-reasonably-priced globe at West Elm I was sold!

Granted, now my kitchen will look like the checkout counter at a West Elm store but once you sketch something you're locked in forever. 

Then there's task lighting:  

Why do you make it so hard for me??????

This seems easy until I realized that having hardwired, dimmable and linkable undercabinet lighting might as well be the Holy Grail for how easy it is to find at a local Home Depot.  I should know - I went to three stores and still bought the wrong ones.  It's okay though because the electrician installed them wrong so we're even.  Now I'm waiting on the "correct" ones to be delivered to complete my trifecta of lighting awesomeness.  Everything is on a dimmer of course because I can't julienne without the appropriate ambiance.  I'm kidding.  I don't julienne I slap and chop of course.


Hardware:
I want simple slightly contemporary stuff.  Nothing crazy so should be easy right?!  Wrong.  Having taste that cannot be satisfied at a local big box store but a wallet that MUST be satisfied there is proving problematic.  Pretty much your only "contemporary" option is this:

Euro trash bar.

I think anyone who buys these handles needs to have one shoved up their ass sideways and then see how they feel about it.  I think a tiny round bar - no matter how long it is - is actually NOT comfortable to open a door with but maybe it's just my delicate angel hands are sensitive to such things.  They are also sensitive to poor design because that little overhang on each end makes me want to stab the designer with it.  Since it's so short it wouldn't be fatal but that's okay - I want them to suffer just like I do every time I look at those handles.  Or I could just beat them with it since it looks like a security guard's nightstick.  If I'm going to have hardware that looks like a weapon it's going to be nunchucks because motherfuckin DUH!  Or possibly like the knife-on-a-chain thing from Ninja Assassin although that might be hurtier on my hands than the Euro trash bar...

Since nunchuck hardware wasn't happening I really wanted something like this:

Pointy fabulosity.

Ahhhh....  So much better.  You might argue that a tiny square bar isn't much more hand-friendly that a tiny round one but I might also stab you with the end of the euro bar above.  But then I would agree with you because you're probably right.  Also, these don't exist at a price I can afford and the IKE-RA ones are made of aluminum and Nick said that was not ideal.

Something with a Swedish name. 

So I ended up with this.  It is from IKE-RA too but all in stainless steel so hopefully that will cancel out the, ya know, questionable IKE-RA craftsmanship a little. I like its square-y shape but it has a more ergonomic and comfortable curve on the inside where your hand rests.  Also, it's dirt cheap and easily available without ordering countless samples from the internet.  I like that.  It's a little clunky and I wish that this and the handle above it would get married and have a baby (because having hardware babies out of wedlock is wrong) but apparently the laws of the universe don't work like I want them to.  Newton's fourth law should be something about the force of a Madame's fabulosity should be equal to the amount of decorgasm-inducing swag received in return.  Oh - maybe it is and that's why I got this hardware...   

Moving on!!

I'll finish up this list of funness next time.  And that tingle you feel deep down?  Yeah, that's the squee that's building up for when you see the final reveal because the ModSauce kitchen is about to ignite your design loins on fiyah!!!