Friday, February 26, 2010

Blosagna

Yesterday Ree Drummond - The Pioneer Woman - was on GMA cooking up a storm morning-talk-show style.  I really enjoy reading her site because she seems like a lady that really knows how to cook onions in butter and make other foods that are delicious and I can appreciate that kind of fabulosity. Also she's a blogger that has somehow managed to become rich and famous and I think we all know that is exactly what’s happening to me so I need to be prepared and start building my network of fellow famous friends who know how to navigate the interwebs. I think 2010 is going to be the year of the Domestic-Bloggess-Making-It-Big. I guess we already had Julie & Julia, The Pioneer Woman and her cookbook, Dooce and her HGTV show, I think even Barefoot Foodie gets paid... and there are other domestic bloggesses that are popping up all over our house porn mags. There's probably a bunch of ones I'm forgetting or don't know anything about like the tons of mommy bloggesses that are probably making appearances on Oprah but I can only take so much of ladies talking about the hilarious chaos of dinner time or how tired they are ALL the time but it's soo worth it because their kids just say the darndest things!  It's not in any way the same as reading over and over about the depths of MY fabulosity and Charlemagne's wacky antics.

Pioneer Madame.  I went natural with the hair because I'm roughing it as a pioneer.
Tiger Woods would totally hit that.

For the record I don't want to be on GMA doing anything except possibly cuddling with George Stephanopoulos and skipping down 5th Ave with Sam Champion. Robin Roberts seems like a cool lesbian lady but Madame Sunday doesn't shoot hoops so I don't think we really have anything in common. Juju I don't know anything about you so you are dead to me. Just like those fucktards over at the Today Show. But Oprah has only about a year left so if I'm going to make it big and lead the life of luxury in private (I guess being Tiger’s mistress is out! Or is it…? I’m white, halfway attractive in a cartoonish sort of way and very very discreet…) I need to move on to another career choice that doesn't involve ending my current one in a rain shower of bullets and a collaged suicide note written in blood, tears, House Beautiful clippings and Pantone swatches.  I need to start having some good ideas about my future that aren't related to unicorns, monster cocks or ninjas. But seriously - how awesome would that book be right?! Bestseller at the Urban Outfitters book table NO DOUBT.

It would help for instance if I could offer the world something worthwhile AND awesome like the Pioneer Woman's amazing recipe for the best lasagna in the world. Here at Modernsauce we like to focus on the cheesy top crust of delicious nonsense, although I would like to think there are meaty layers beneath that if you pretend look hard enough and are not distracted by octopussies. Or baby otters.

Focus. FOCUUUUS.

A meaty layer from The Pioneer Woman


I’m not shittin you this lasagna is awesome and you need to go here now for the recipe because I’m not a recipe reprinter/stealer of my future famous friends. I would double the amount of mozzarella because why they fuck not? Other than that I wouldn’t change anything and I change EVERYTHING in recipes because I always know best. Normally I like my lasagna really saucy because that’s where the flavor is but the way you cook the meat in this recipe brings so much flavor you don’t even need all that sauce crap. Wait. This metaphor is going horribly awry!! Sauce is delicious and fabulous and you can never have enough. This recipe sucks actually. I spit on you and your amazing lasagna Ree!! Even if you do take pretty pictures of horsies on your farm. They may not have horns that touch my soul but I would still like to come to your farm and pet them and then eat anything else you make besides your pathetic sauceless lasagna.


from The Pioneer Woman

Viva la (modern)Sauce!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Rode hard and put away wet

If you didn't know (and why would you, really) I love horses.  They are well-muscled machines of beauty and power but they have the souls of poets.  Just like Madame Sunday really.  
Ray Hartl
Sometimes we even have the same skin tone...

Now I know that I grew up around the corner from a couple of dueling banjos but I have never actually ridden a horse if that surprises you.   Well... I did ride a pony at the county fair once but it was disastrous so I'm not counting it.  During a rare family outing I spotted the tent advertising pony rides and my usually dormant inner princess was determined to ride just like in the fairy tales.  There was a small group of sad little horses tethered to a giant cog of some sort that they circumnavigated like some carousel of perpetual doom on a shit covered floor.  Well all them other nimble country chilrens just hopped up on their donkeys of death like they were climbing some horrendous smelling mangy jungle gym.  I think I made eye contact with my fine equine specimen and he asked me with his big sad eyes to please stab him in the heart with the tip of my empty cotton candy cone to end it all quickly.  Well after an assisted suicide request I couldn't very well just carlessly hop onto his back so I stood there struggling for a few minutes between my 8-yr-old dream to ride a pony and my budding liberal sense of duty to help those who couldn't help themselves.  That and I was using the wrong foot to hoist my funnel-cake laden ass on the saddle.  The anxiety and embarrassment were increasing exponentially by every smelly second until the carnie in charge finally put me out of my misery and helped me up.  Unfortunately the misery for my pony continued.  It was the most awkward, unrewarding and shame-filled 30 second ride of my life.  You can insert your own obligaory dirty sex joke right now if you want but I'll refrain because I'm way classier than that.   

I'm sure moments like that leave absolutely no permanent marks on my psyche whatsoever.  I haven't ridden a horse since and choose to capture them in stunning artistic purgatory on my walls.

As as FYI none of the rooms/photos below look in any way like they were rode hard and put away wet.  I think they were all styled within an inch of their lives but I'm a trickster and made you think this post might have been about whores.  Sadly it's not.  But keep your hopes up - you'll never know what might happen tomorrow!

bedroom of Calvin Klein designer Francisco Costa via Habitually Chic
This has to be one of my favorite bedroom pictures of all time .  I read somewhere that fancy French people used to go watch the studding of horses because it was all beasty and sexy (and gross?) and then go have giant orgies.  I think it was a historical romance novel and since that genre has historical in the title everything in it is 100% factual.  Or maybe they were referring to the man as having anatomical similarities to some part of a horse...  I can't remember exactly.  But I think if you want to have a horse on your walls and don't want the room to look like a trailor from the eighties and but still want to subtly advertise your monster cock you have to go artsy.  And real big (wink, wink).   And go with a sexy color palette...


Ryan Korban's apartment from Domino (?)
Or go retro... (Don't worry about the stupid plant or completely impractical stacks of books - just the horse remember)

sorry I don't have any info on this... any ideas?
Or go casually masculine...


Or cheeky...


Or festive!


Or glam.

Thom Filicia from House Beautiful
I've talked to several people who hate this room BECAUSE of those big beautiful horses photographed by Roberto Dutesco.  Obviously those people are ignorant sluts because I think it's genius and the whole room feels really warm.  But it's okay if you think this room is so staged it hurts or you think I'M the ignorant slut but I just can't help it - I like it.  It's probably because I think Thom hung the moon.  A big giant impeccably decorated moon.  I'll admit I even hated those weird klismos-y chairs for a good six months because they're so awkward and happy yellow and knock-kneed in the back... which is just like a newborn FOAL!!!!   A HA!!!

And THAT is why Thom is a genius.

Eric Roth from Desire to Inspire
Also a Roberto Dutesco photo.  Have you changed your mind about Thom's room yet?  I like white and all but it's sad when your two dimensional artwork has more emotion than your living ro...

Oh sorry I just fell asleep.

 
Bedroom of the same house from Design New England.  More Dutesco...
Okay that's a little better...
  

Country Living
This guy is like the Wal-mart greeter of your foyer...  Its a little Mr. Ed but I would definitely say Hi to him when I came home.

If you're in the market for some equine photography for yourself check these out:
Equine Photography by Ray Hartl
More beautiful pics at his website.  And no jokes about 'a horse's ass' - you're better than that. You can get a 30x30 matted print for $600.  11x11 for $95.  Or...


Kelly Angard's photography on her etsy store
8x11 for $30.  Your choice.  I'd prefer, like a 6'x6' but I'm not a millionaire so...

Silence by behappynow 8x10 for $10




Horses by tidytipsy 8x12 for $23

Susan Friedman also has big beautiful photos however now you can get her prints at Art.com and Williams Sonoma and that really ruins it for me.  I mean I have been known to buy posters of course but I really didn't want to turn these horses into a design cliche... But I will if I have to.

framed 36" framed photo from Williams Sonoma for $600
That boring frame kinda ruins it for me...



Design Crisis on etsy
This whole post was really so I could talk about this cool print I bought yesterday from one of the bloggesses at Design Crisis.  It's not a photograph I know but it's a big beautiful 3'x3' print that will look nice framed in something gold-y me thinks...  not bad for $75.  Suck on that Williams Sonoma. 


from here
If that won't tide me over I think I'll just have to fork over the easy $200 for this 8'x13' wall mural.  I mean it's horses.  It's really big.  They're running fast.  I'll refer to it as a 'Stampede of Style' and trick out my living room in vintage ironical hipster chic. 


*whispering* But I really just want this one on my wall.  It's like a horse but better because he's in the clouds and glowing.  His horn is touching my soul and it feels good.  I'll just wait here with him until my real prince comes...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Dear Kieran Timberlake Associates,

I know that you, at Kieran Timberlake Associates, may have lurked around my blog this week after my post on the rebuilding of the lower ninth ward featuring a house that you designed. I may or may not have called the colors of your house ugly and possibly bashed the entire project and your out-of-touch designs. Too bad there’s really no way to ever tell exactly what I said since that was soo long ago and the internet is such a poor resource for keeping tabs on stuff like that.

Atwater Commons at Middlebury College in Middlebury, VT

But since you, Kieran Timberlake Associates, decided to stop by (for a half second because of google alerts) I take that as a desperate attempt on your part to get in touch with me so I can interview you. I would really like to open a discourse about this project - the good and the bad - and for you, Kieran Timberlake Associates, to school me with your fancy blueprints and ivy league educations.  Or maybe not - looks like one of your senior associates actually studies vernacular architecture but I'm guessing he must have been on vacation that week, huh? 

new sculpture building and gallery at Yale 
What a fitting (and completely relevant) juxtaposition to the building in front...

Does it piss you off, Kieran Timberlake Associates, that every article I read during the one google search extensive research for that post ripped your design a new asshole? Did you spend weeks and months coming up with that design and then some asshole like me tells my twelve readers the world your hard work looks like shit?  Do your balls just itch to tell ignorant whores like me to shut the fuck up because I don’t know the difference between a skylight and a solar panel? Or did you come up with a fabulous design (that’s a toss up – I saw the original renderings) and Brad Pitt and his construction crews totally fucked it up and you’re uber pissed about it? Are you like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men and I’m Tom Cruise (unfortunately) and I know that you want to tell me about it. You’re dying to tell me. You eat breakfast 300 yards away from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill you and nobody's going to tell you how to run your architecture firm least of all the Harvard mouth in her faggoty white kaftan uniform. I’m just going to ask a few questions and lead you right to where you want to go. Seriously I want to talk to you - email at madamesunday at gmail dot com. Tell me why I’m an asshole. Tell me (secretly) why I’m right. I’ll post it. I’ll not post it. Your call fancypants.
Loblolly House in Taylors Island Maryland

I don’t know how much time you actually spent here but I’m sure you may have come across a few cuss words or a disparaging remark or two about conservatives. Don’t let that deter you if have reservations or happen to think Sarah Palin is the second coming of Jesus – I can totally act like a professional when necessary and use smart words like “verisimilitude’ and I even know what Brutalism is.  No ‘fucks’, ‘assholes’ or references to my panties exploding. Unless you want it. Do you want it? Are you a bad little architecture firm that needs to be put in its place? Well if you don’t respond to my interview request I’ll automatically assume that you are a bunch of douchebags and you can basically lick this madame’s patent leather boots, you elitist fuckers.* You’re going to need a safeword for the verbal lashing I’m going to give you.
Cellophane House for the Museum of Modern Art modern homes exhibition

Just to further taunt you I even included pictures of other Kieran Timberlake projects that I do like because I’m complex like that. I even went to your website and read your blog and saw how you donated to Heifer International for Christmas 2009, are one of the most award-winning and respected firms in the world, have advocated sustainable design long before it was cool (you, dear readers, can buy a living house here for an easy half million) and were featured on Big Ideas for a Small Planet on the Sundance Channel. I would have liked to have seen that but alas I’m poor and can’t afford premium cable or the 1.99 to download it from iTunes (I spent all my money on the Them Crooked Vultures album). What’s great about talking to me is that I actually have a degree in designing spaces therefore can appreciate the value of architecture and sustainability AND I’m totally the demographic (not really) you’ve designed these houses for. I’m poor, Southern and ethnically diverse (I’m in a Hispanic book club and I basically live in the ghetto).  I have my finger on the pulse.  So here’s your chance, Kieran Timberlake, to practice what you preach about sustainable design for all (see bullshit about living houses above), educate a layperson and make it seem like you’re still in touch with your New Orleans "clients".  It’s obvious that your current attempts at charity and goodwill are just for marketing and to cover your raging hard-on of pretension.
Noyes Community Rec Center at Cornell in Ithaca, NY

This plea also goes for all you followers out there. I would love to know what you think about stuff even though I know it’s reedeeculously hard to click out of google reader and comment sometimes. I’m thinking you read Modernsauce for the lifelong bestest bestest friendships we’ve made and not for the mental images of me rolling around on car hoods. But if that IS the reason you’re reading this then email me immediately and I’ll tell you about my patent leather boots you dirty dirty man slut.


Respectively yours,


Madame Sunday and the Modernsauce team (it’s just Charlemagne in a wig and the same saucy Carmen Sandiego jacket)






*You’re not douchebags (I don’t think) but I’m trying to taunt you into submission. Is it working?


Indulge me. Your Monday will thank me by the end.

Imagine if you would an ancient mystical world of musical Middle Earth that was divided into peaceful, yet equally awesome, bands of people. Faced with the destruction of the world as we know it Gandalf and Jesus got together the guitar hero of each band to create a trifecta of panty-exploding musical awesomeness and sent them to destroy the evil that is the Eye of Nickelback. I give you Them Crooked Vultures.

It consists of Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters, the sexiest badass ginger to ever live Josh Homme from the best current metal band Queens of the Stone Age and John Paul fucking Jones from Led Zeppelin. The Clear Channel clouds parted, a group of tattooed angels descended and your ears just touched heaven.  I never really understood all those bitches from the 80's who would grind all over a pole to a Whitesnake song until I heard QOTSA’s Songs for the Deaf album. It made me want to get a wind machine and roll around the hood of car spread eagle.

Madame Sunday with sexy music video hair

I guess if we're being honest I first got that tingly feeling that made me want to give lapdances to badasses when I discovered Led Zeppelin but I was only 12 or 13 and I just felt so confused and alone. Dear God, it’s me Madame Sunday. Do other girls feel this way?  This TCV song also makes me want to do that but I don’t think my work desk has the strength to support my sexy hair tossing and rhythmic crotch thrusting. Since I’m listening to it on my ipod my coworkers would also be really confused and scared and pray about me later. They don’t understand me like you people do! You do right? Do you? DO YOU?????

So in an effort to make this relate to something that is design-y and not just gushing over something that makes me squee my panties I decided to design a room for Them Crooked Vultures. A true rocknrolla room because surprisingly Elle D├ęcor is really lacking in the ass-kicking sleazy den of sex, drugs and rock and roll editorial department. Margaret Russell needs to get on it.  And by ‘it’ I mean JPJ’s grandpa lap. Josh Homme’s lap is presently occupied by yours truly.

stairway to heaven
Oh yeaaahh. Some shit’s going down in there. I laid the foundation with some Graham and Brown Skulls wallpaper and a Vivenne Westwood Union Jack rug. The English references and 70’s bubble chair is for JPJ. I thought it might make him feel at home. They all needed a nice long black chesterfield sofa in leather for napping and easy clean-up after bending groupies over the big rolled arms.  To keep the party going a fine selection of beverages that may or may not be used to set this place on fire when they're done.  The Mentos are for Dave Grohl and if you don't know why you need to review your Foo Fighters videos.  Same with the deer heads and light bulbs.  Well they're QOTSA references that probably only Madame Sunday gets but let me tell you this whole thing is so fucking clever it should win the Pulitzer of self-indulgent obscure references or something.  Hellooooo Tolkien and Led Zeppelin??!!    

Have you made it to the super awesome head bangin part of the song?  My panties literally exploded and the hood of the card is so hot you could cook an egg on it.  A sexy egg.  A sexy vulture egg?   

Whatever.  Enjoy the rest of your day. 

You're welcome.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

me want draw good

Even though I make my living by drawing you might think that I'm an accomplished artist extraordinaire and creative goddess.  Well you're only half right.   I have average drawing talents but I'm a triumphant success because I wrap it up in a bedazzled package of fancy back stories and sheer bitchitude.  When I stumbled across these STUDENT submissions for the Society of Illustrators scholarship contest however they make me look like a (sexy and glamorous) neanderthal who discovered how to draw shapes in her own poo.   

2009 winner Tower of Learning by Rebecca Green


Man in Hat by Leonard Dente


Sound the Alarm! by Ian Vanderhill


Imperial Airship by James KC Ng
Yeah I don't know if these are computer enhanced but does it really matter?  I know how to use a paintbrush but fuck if I know how to use those fancy tricks and filters.


Sleep Paralysis by Andrew Silver
Fuck Yeah!  Octopussy tentacles!



Robin Pecknold by Campbell Floyd
Pink Jesus.

The Victorian by Matt Hansen


Amy by Amanda Joseph


Reality by Corey Miller


Boy on Bear by Victo Ngai


Dick Meets Ed by Anna Topuriya

Do yourself a favor and check out the entire stunning collection of entries here for the past three years including the ones who DIDN'T win.  It's disgusting how much talent there is in the world.  Well my drawing teacher once told me I was pretty good (for just being a designer) so suck on that future artists of the world!  ahahahahahahahah!

ahaha....aha...aaa...waaahhh....waaaaaahhhh.... sob...sob...sob...

Friday, February 19, 2010

This makes me exceedingly happy

The irony is not lost on me that on top of the desk are pictures of people that are now dead directly above a Starck Ghost chair.  oooooOOOOOOOoooooo....

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I prefer pleasantly plump Tuesday, thank you very much.

Madame Sunday is not a big fan of Mardi Gras but bingeing in the middle of the week is always par for the course.*  And since we just discussed my feelings regarding Lent, Wednesday is just another hungover hump day filled with regret and Taco Bell and subsequently more regret. If I was a real patriot I should probably put celebrating Mardi Gras in New Orleans on my bucket list (I'm renaming that to CHAMPAGNE bucket list because it’s fancier) for the experience but I don't really enjoy shitfaced frat boys and zydeco. It's like nobody told those people that it's not 1997 and they aren't filming a Girls Gone Wild video 24/7. My lovely lady lumps only come out in the comfort of my own headlining stage not the middle of some cobblestone street.  I only permit benjamins to be thrown in my face – not beads. But that’s just because I’m a classy madame after my rehabilitation.

In case you don't remember, green and purple is also one of my least favorite color combos so that really puts a damper on my desire to go buck wild in the French Quarter and involuntarily vomit at the site of a bunch of purple and green beads/streamers/Gstrings. All that crap isn't really what creole is about. I only enjoy authentic Cajun things like voodoo, Emeril and Bill Compton.


I still want to vomit but not for anything involving the color wheel.

In an effort, however, to write about something somewhat relevant to the "holiday" I decided to take a gander at the rebuilding of the lower ninth ward by Brad Pitt (and my hero Mike Holmes and his show) and his Make It Right Foundation. Now let’s disregard the fact that experts say it might be a waste of time to rebuild in the likelihood of future storm activity or that the area has been sinking for a hundred years because those same experts said we have global warming and I think this winter proves how stupid those assholes are.  Also I’m a girl and don’t understand complex things like working the DVD player and global climatological patterns like our present period of extremely negative Arctic oscillation that is responsible for this year's extreme weather. Oh look – a baby bunny! Awwwww….


Let’s just talk about pretty things like color and design! Yippeeeeeeeeeeee!

Make It Right has planned for 150 homes to be built and as of now they have 15 completed and occupied with funding ready for another 90 or so.  Houses are about $150,000 and are paid for by the homeowners with low interest loans and donations.  All of the designs are prefab and sustainable LEED platinum certified.  Last year they introduced plans for duplexes including one designed by Frank Gehry.  Tingly with excitement aren't you?
single family prototype rendering by architect Shigeru Ban


both images via Life Without Buildings
I think something was lost in the translation...  That looks like shit on sticks.


from Concordia Architects via Nola
This looks nice!  Oh wait...
the side view via Life Without Buildings
The roof is angled at 30 degrees to maximize sunlight on the solar panels.  Well, I guess that's good but it still looks like it's melting.  New Orleans is pretty hot.

a Kieran Timberlake designed home from here
There are multiple home plans each one by a different architecture firm and fairly customizable on the inside.   Can you customize the paint colors?  gawdolmighty...

the back view from The Incremental House
It looks lonely and naked sitting next to that yellow house.



the Float house by Morphosis Architects from here
The Float house is appropriately named because although it sits on pylons it will float in case of a flood. It also collects its own water using runoff rainwater from the roof.  I really hate that "ironwork" railing that I'm guessing is meant to update the traditional ones New Orleans is known for.  It's like the architects took your beautiful tradition and then slapped you in the face with it ugly style.



freshly completed house designed by GRAFT

another design by GRAFT
Are you getting the paint from the 'mistake' shelf at Home Depot?


prototype rendering by GRAFT Architects via Life Without Buildings
Apparently what the house will look like in 10 years with the addition of an antique car and jungle landscaping.   Or is that some kind of sneaky way of putting in an old hooptie-looking car because that family is black?  That is soo racist GRAFT!!! 

an Eskew Dumez Ripple house from NYTimes


from Billes Designs here

side view

I feel like these homes are missing something… mmmmmhhhhh what could it be. Maybe… ? No. This is hard. Oh I know! It’s called fucking HISTORIAL CONTEXT!!!!  I'll even take context with its neighbor! Christ it doesn’t look like a neighborhood is looks like Dwell magazine's cheap cousin ate some skittles and then threw up. It might have something to do with the fact that each design is by a different architect from around the world – California to Japan. Way to build continuity there Brad. I love architecture as much as any famous millionaire with a heart of gold but is it soo architecturally wrong to offer a stylistic homecoming to these people as well? It's like saying "hey displaced lower-income people, your old homes sucked ass so we're going to build new fancy ones that WE think are cool because if you knew anything about design you'd see how superior these are." What the fuck does some dude in Japan know about living in the lower ninth ward? The architects are trying so hard but it's turning into a neighborhood of novelty not a community of homes.

But I guess the joke's on me because would anybody be talking about this development half as much if they were building boring A-frames? Despite the implied socio-economic/architectural-style gap lecture I would totally live in most of these houses (they are, by far, nicer than mine) but off in my own secret parcel of land where it will be appreciated in artistic pictorial reviews in the real Dwell. I like to be pedantic in private. Minus the skittles.



In all honesty though I can suck it because Brad Pitt is one of the few people actually trying to help and he could build a house shaped like a giant turd with a door and we should be thankful because it’s better than what anybody else it doing. Perhaps rather than perpetuate the cycle of people that are perceived as less-than in our country we should try to give the least fortunate citizens our best - best in design, best in sustainability and best in effort.


Would it be too much to ask though that all the turds be designed by the same architect?

*Apparently Blogger is not a big fan of the awesomeness of this post because it crashed and I lost everything and had to rewrite it - hence the fact that it's late Wednesday and I posted about an event that happened on Tuesday. Deal with it bitches. You better pretend to like it since I typed this fucker twice.